Are men emotionally castrated due to trauma?
Karen Bontrager
Founder Crisis to Courage for Men I Podcast | 16-24 | ★ Money & Thought Leader | TBRI Trauma Clinician | LMHCA Therapist | ACC Trauma Coach | No Fear in Love Race President | Coaching | Scholar | Fierce Men’s Advocate
Dictionary.com defines castration as rendering impotent; to deprive of strength, power, or efficiency; weaken.
Are men emotionally castrated then? This may sound brutally harsh, but the trajectory I see based upon research and personal/professional experience looks incredibly bleak.
In my counseling/coaching practice of over 10 years working with economically rich, but psychologically traumatized 16-24-yr-old and 25+ guys, and those who are disadvantaged in both areas, something has gone horribly awry when they are not able to lead, protect, and provide, or can assist with these efforts. Or worse yet, guys misuse their masculinity to push/pull on a female’s emotions, and cannot even contemplate helping others; much less, care for their own needs. #crisistocourage
What has contributed to this emotional castration of men phenomenon?
There are many multi-layered explanations, but at the heart of a powerless man is inevitably, some form of trauma, even if he is not able to comprehend it, which prevents him from being fully present for anyone, including himself.
This is one example, with details changed to protect client’s anonymity.
C was raised in a severely critical environment. No physical abuse occurred in the home, but from age 4 on, he never heard one compliment from his father. Additionally, his mom grew crippled over desperate attempts to please, and often retaliated with, although unaware of, hurtful sarcasm.
His parents argued many nights, even when they thought their children were not impacted. The only relationship between father and son, was one of competition. Therefore, the guy was not accepted, despite how hard he tried. Additionally, C intimidated his little brother/sister because they were easy targets to manipulate. For him, this was simply, normal behavior.
If this sounds remotely like your childhood guys, you are not alone. Sadly, feeling weak and devoid of power or emotionally incompetent, is a commonality among many males; starting from a little boy on up.
When he has his own family, the degree of criticism escalates into physical abuse, which first was initiated during the dating years. Similarly, to his dad, he never takes responsibility for inappropriate behavior, but blames everyone else. The house wreaks of unbearable tension. And, C’s life involves escaping by working long hours, engaging in excessive hobbies, and using porn/sex chat rooms, which he thinks is a secret. Even though the mother has tried counseling, he blows up whenever confronted.
Men, know this suppression of childhood trauma eventually has to go somewhere, and often expresses itself in anger, isolation, numbing, and predatory behavior, as illustrated here, which can ultimately lead to chronic anxiety, isolation, and even, suicidal ideation/death by suicide.
Here are startling statistics from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) regarding it among men and other trauma related research in 24 participating countries.
According to the CDC, males take their lives at nearly 4x the rate of girls, and represent 77.9 % of suicides.
In “Trauma and Its Aftermath:” a global study conducted at the Boston University School of Public Health, which suggested trauma is ubiquitous in nature with “70 percent of respondents (having) experienced a traumatic event,” and 30 percent with four, or more (See link below). Situations mentioned were “sudden death, sexual violence, and serious injury,” and other reasons.
With so many men apparently hurting world-wide, as evidenced by the plotted trauma map used in the research above, which is only being further exasperated in today’s current climate, why are not more fellas seeking help from friends/family, and experts in the field of mental health?
Most have not made the connection between their childhood trauma and negative coping behaviors, which become normalized, and therefore, suppressed over time. Additionally, a man is generally able to ignore his emotions because they hinder his ability to self-protect, which is a survival instinct learned, and permanently frozen due to repeated traumatic episodes. This explains him always being on guard; ready to fight, flight, or freeze, which also contributes to extreme emotional volatility; high highs and low lows.
In other words, these traumatized guys can be completely vulnerable one minute with intermittent crying/sobbing, and withdrawn to dismissive once their needs are satisfied. This lack of predictability often bewilders their loved ones; leading to miscommunication, fights, abuse, or/and neglect.
These two factors of not making a logical connection between childhood trauma/behavior coupled with mere survival, keeps men trapped in this vicious/unstable vortex of escapism from one type to another.
Only when guys get honest with themselves, and are willing to do the hard work associated with healing the underlying traumatic issues, can they free themselves from the fetters of staying ineffective emotionally castrated individuals.
Trauma and Its Aftermath link - Click here: https://www.bu.edu/sph/2018/07/13/trauma-and-its-aftermath/
Thank you for reading.
Your thoughts are very appreciated.
Author’s Bio
Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men, and more mature fellas stuck there due to complex trauma, make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive trauma-informed workshops in a program called, “From Crisis to Courage.” With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.
She does a weekly Relationships Matter Monday LI article for 16-24-year-old men and fellas stuck there due to trauma, is a frequent contributor here, and has a bi-monthly podcast called Crisis to Courage to give gentlemen an honorable platform for learning how to use their voices in a way which gets respected, instead of turning to the old standbys: anger, isolation, and numbing behavior, so they can be the men they were made, formed, and created to be.
Crisis to Courage Podcast for Men Links below:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1130105/listings
https://open.spotify.com/show/0hBtQMFu6eOoHAJBZVRgiQ
https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8xMTMwMTA1LnJzcw==
https://podcastaddict.com/podcast/3017583
https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/crisis-to-courage-podcast-a-pl-1258925
https://www.deezer.com/us/show/1372142
https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/crisis-to-courage-podcast-a-platform-for-udrRN3OmV9o/
Are you a man, 16-24, or 25+, which feels stuck mentally, and is not able to move forward due to a traumatic past, which shows up as anger, isolation, or various numbing behaviors, and needs support? Or, do you feel something gets in the way emotionally from you loving self, others, or having the life of your dreams, but are not sure what? Please DM me on Linked In for an opportunity to talk.
Founder Crisis to Courage for Men I Podcast | 16-24 | ★ Money & Thought Leader | TBRI Trauma Clinician | LMHCA Therapist | ACC Trauma Coach | No Fear in Love Race President | Coaching | Scholar | Fierce Men’s Advocate
4 年Mike Darling, I appreciate you sharing your #crisistocourage story and weighing in. It takes great courage for anyone to admit they had a traumatic past, much less a fella, so thank you. - Yes, the only focus a man gets if he is shooting up a school or shaking the president's hand. The guys who are able to survive in the middle bell curve are virtually ignored, until the shame of (x) begins boiling over, or they tell their stories; deciding to finally heal. - I am glad you were able to overcome these things with divine providence.
Helping people by finding overlooked details.
4 年Well said, Karen! This is a prevalent problem. Society ignores an emotionally unhealthy childhood and says, "They survived and turned out ok. They have a degree, a decent job, they're not on drugs or in jail." Those facts only show they survived but say nothing about whether or not they are emotionally healthy or even "ok." My childhood was not bad but was definitely not healthy (broken home, etc.). I still deal with things that are a result of the events of my childhood. I would say one thing that I have going for me is that I recognize the issues are there. Some of the issues (like OCD) are strengths in my occupation but can be very detrimental in relationships, if not recognized and dealt with. Many men, like "C" in your example, think of themselves as normal and ok. They do not recognize that they have a problem. When you define "normal" as "average," they are normal - BUT - they are NOT ok. Our society doesn't help. Movies, TV, video games and societal pressure all give unhealthy role models and teach men to suppress healthy emotional responses and "normalize" unhealthy emotional responses. I believe the first step is to recognize that we have these issues and they need to be dealt with.
Operations Leadership | Internet Marketing | Ontological Coach
4 年Karen Bontrager this was sensational!! These statistics need to change!!
I tackle Burnout at the Root with proven methods to 2x your time, and maximize productivity | Certified Counselor | Public Speaker | Podcast Host | Sub to my newsletter in my featured section ??
4 年Insightful article Karen. It's never easy to answer a question like this as castration carries a vibe of finality. Thanks God that no damage done during childhood is irreparable. That damage can be undone, but it takes vulnerability and gut level honesty. It's not easy to face yourself down and get real with why we process information and respond in certain ways as a result of trauma. It's a road that many never travel. So to answer to the question, no, no one is castrated if they are willing to go the hard places. Thanks for sharing as always. Grace and Peace ????