MEN CONFLICTED: TREATING WOMEN AS EQUAL AND LEADING/DOMINATING THEM
Anita Flejter
Senior Marketing Director | Transforming complex marketing challenges into successful campaigns through clarity, actionable strategies & entrepreneurial spirit. Expertise in Demand Gen, Operations, GTM, Events & Branding
When you watch a tango couple on the dancefloor, the only thing you will most likely notice is how engaged they appear in the dance.
When you look at the woman, you can see she’s putting her complete trust in the man, working with him to create a beautiful moment that will last only for as long as the song. And when you look at the man, you can see he’s in control, leading the woman into the dance.
What you may not notice beneath their movements is the underlying conflict that has been ongoing for centuries.
Yes, there’s a tango conflict, specifically in men, and not everyone opens up about it. It sounds like,
“As a leader, I feel discrimination against women in the dance. I have to lead, and they have to follow. Am I not supposed to treat a woman as my equal?”
You may think it’s an over-analysis, but it’s actually a real problem. Many tango male dancers feel this conflict, especially those who take equity and equality seriously. In this article, let’s dive deep into the issue to determine how equity, discrimination, and domination play out in the tango dance.
Leading and Following in Tango: The More Difficult Role
Traditionally, tango is a couple’s dance with a man leading and a woman following.
There’s really no said rule that leaders must be men, but they usually take on the role nonetheless.
As a leader, a man is responsible for the couple’s physical movements. Not only does he have to lead the woman into figures, but also guide and protect her, and make her shine.
It’s easy to think that with all the leader’s responsibilities, being a follower is much easier. Women only need to wait for the man’s communication and then move along. This idea has led to many arguments about having the more challenging role in tango. Is it leading or following? Do men have it more complicated than women?
The answer is always this:
Neither role is easier than the other. Following requires a high level of connection and communication with the man, while leading needs more coordination and concentration to decide what comes next.
However, leading always seems more difficult because of several reasons.
According to Joy in Motion in “Why leading is not more difficult than following,” men, who are usually the leaders in tango, go through the following:
The second reason leading seems more difficult than following is that the community often sees following as weak and undesirable. Joy in Motion sad:
“This cultural attitude inserts itself into the dance world, creating that reality: We give leaders all the focus in classes, which leads to them experiencing a disproportionate share of the worries and concerns, as well as the credit. Meanwhile, we tell followers not to worry or think, or we don’t address them at all, zapping them of the power they can bring to the dance partnership. Both of these things lead to a sense of difficulty in leading and a sense of passivity or even laziness in following.”
Men, then, feel pressured to take on the leading role and are at a higher risk of feeling discouraged if they can’t. And when they do believe that they have what it takes to lead women in tango, they often feel the inevitable tug-of-war between equity and domination in the dance. It’s undeniably challenging to remove the stereotypes from these rol
Gender Equality On and Off the Tango Dance Floor
The conflict in men in tango is treating women as equals and leading them or dominating over them.
To better understand this, let’s look at the necessary definitions. As said by the VIC Government in “Gender equality: what is it and why do we need it?”:
“Gender equality is when people of all genders have equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities.
Everyone is affected by gender inequality – women, men, trans and gender diverse people, children and families. It impacts people of all ages and backgrounds.”
Gender equality is a serious concern in real life, with people still fighting for equal rights and equity in the workplace, politics, and other aspects of life.
It’s also a pressing issue on the dance floor, especially when traditional roles come into play. And yes, everyone is susceptible to discrimination. However, it’s women who often take the hardest hit, with many of them facing unjustified domination and improper treatment. As said by the European Institute for Gender Equality in “What is gender-based violence?”:
“Gender-based violence is violence directed against a person because of their gender. Both women and men experience gender-based violence but the majority of victims are women and girls.”
As mentioned earlier, many see women, who are usually the followers in tango, as the weaker party in the partnership.
Obviously, this concept removes the idea of equity and creates an environment where some people are more vulnerable than others. And many men feel this, affecting how they embrace tango as a whole.
Where the Conflict Starts
What does the tango conflict look like from a man’s point of view? Is it really that hard to find the balance between equity and domination? Igor Zabuta, psychotherapist and writer, said in a conversation in Tango Secrets, The Methodology and Philosophy of the Argentine Tango, Secrets from Igor Zabuta and Emma Kologrivova:
“You see, when I came to tanga, I was absolutely unable to lead. I thought the follower is so fragile that you cannot exercise any force.
First of all, she is a woman, and you can touch, and to use some force, some energy. It’s centered towards her. It’s sort of a crime. It was really difficult.”
Not all men look at women the same way. Some see them as the weaker gender, and others see them as equals who can bring something to the table (or dance floor).
Regardless, it’s always a first thought that followers are “fragile.”
As a result, men who lead feel like they’re participating in discrimination. After all, tango does a lot for a man.
In Igor Zabuta and Emma Kologrivova’s “Tango Through the Eyes of a Dancing Psychotherapist, Embrace Me,” they said:
“In tango, a man re-learns his role: leading.
This role is insurmountably difficult for delicate boys. They lack confidence, responsibility and brutality. This role is new and unclear for the father-figure of a family, even for a tough construction on foreman.
They will have to understand with their bodies that leading has nothing to do with directing, and that the one who leads is neither the boss nor the most important person.
The leading role is also initially difficult for men who are aware of their physical strength: they are afraid to apply even a small part of it to a fragile woman (how naive).”
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The root of this conflict is how men learn the responsibilities of a leader and a follower. If the first lesson you learn as a man is that leaders need to be strong and followers need to be fragile, the problem starts.
Leading and following aren’t opposites; they’re complementary roles, and equity is the key to understanding that.
Where the Conflict Ends
“If a woman is as capable as I am, how do I lead without feeling like I’m dominating her?”
It may feel like a question that’ll have you running in circles, but the answer eventually comes back to equity.
Let’s look at another necessary definition. Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries define “domination” as
“to control or have a lot of influence over someone or something, especially in an unpleasant way.”
Now, when you go back to your responsibilities as a leader, you can list the following:
If you truly understand your role, you’ll know that none of your responsibilities requires you to “dominate” your follower.
Leading, especially in tango, is 100% different from domination.
Just because you’re leading a woman doesn’t mean you need to exert force or control over her.
A good leader in tango understands how both roles are crucial in making the dance work!
While you’re committed to fulfilling your duties as a leader, know that your follower is also committed to fulfilling hers. Leading her doesn’t equate to dominating her. If you’re doing the latter, you’ll know it. In Secrets From Igor Zabuta and Emma Kologrivova, Igor Zabuta also said:
“Who really helped were the followers, more experienced followers. They were calibrating my energy. They were saying, “Give me a little bit more. A little bit more is welcome, just a little bit more.” It was really interesting.
That’s why I’m talking about getting to know your body through the body of your follower. They calibrate you. They help you with this. I think, in two, or three years, I had the feeling that I never knew a woman, what she is, before tanga. I started to perceive women absolutely differently, not so flatly. They can move.”
The conflict ends when you completely, truly, and honestly understand your role as a man leader.
Approach tango as a dance that, more than anything, celebrates every dancer for every step taken. It’s not about a leader and follower should do this and that. Don’t limit yourself to preconceived notions about men leading women.
Why Is This an Issue in Tango?
At this point, you may wonder why this deep conversation exists in tango. Why don’t salsa dancers, for example, struggle with the same conflict? What’s with tango that makes men think about these things?
Tango is the type of dance that makes you feel and think about yourself.
Emma Kologrivova and Igor Zabuta use the fundamentals of tango in psychotherapy because both are based on contact, experience, and environments. So, it’s unsurprising when tango dancers discover internal conflicts, such as equity between men and women, while engaged in their dance.
And in the same way, it’s unsurprising when tango dancers discover equity between men and women.
Through the combination of physical contact and awareness, equity can be understood, implemented, and appreciated.
As they also said in “Embrace Me”:
“You will also learn that tango is beyond sexuality and age. You can dance with a woman who could be your grandmother and, if you listen to her, you can join the wisdom and love that she has accumulated over her entire life. Or with a girl who could be your daughter. And leave with a piece of childishness, brightness and innocence of perception. You may learn that tango is also beyond sex.”
Ultimately, tango doesn’t look at your gender, age, or other factors. You just feel, move, and create a beautiful dance with your partner, whoever they are, or whatever role they play.
Tango: Equity in Motion
We still go back to the truth that tango is absolutely a dance like no other.
Not everyone will understand, but the dance has a unique way of making you reflect on yourself and life.
As a male leader, the conflict you feel only proves that tango is teaching you a lesson. Now, your task is to make sure you pick up the lesson, understand it, and apply it.
Take this eye-opening line from “Embrace Me”:
“If a man stays in tango, he has a chance to become genuine, instead of “real”; to become himself, instead of inhabiting an imaginary role.”
Tango may mean something different to every man, but that doesn’t take away the fact that tango brings you closer to yourself and your partner. When you learn it for what it really is, you see that it’s way beyond domination and discrimination. It’s equity in motion!
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