Are Men After Purpose, Or Respect?

I’m not normally one for strict binary discussions, but on this topic I think there’s some relevance.

The question we shall endeavor to investigate is: Do men need “purpose” or “respect” more?

The obvious answer most would give is “Men need and deserve both.” While somewhat true, it’s not entirely true, and I’ll try to outline this throughout this short-ish article.

1. I write about masculinity a lot. I am not overtly masculine. I am sure some of when I write about masculinity comes off as cringe-y or victim-y. I have tried to lean into this. I’m not always sure I do it well.

2. We need to begin with this “viral” tweet:

3. Now you need to bring in the “Culture Wars.” Walsh is a big part of said wars. In the “culture war” front, you have clear distinctions around men:

• The “right” thinks that men are not respected enough, men are being cancelled, and men are being “pussified.”
• The “left” thinks that men are toxic, take all the good jobs and pay rates, and are paying for years of being abusers right now.

Neither is accurate, and in reality the breakdown is closer to this:

• Most men are broken, don’t understand why they’re doing what they’re doing, and are confused about the dichotomy between how they perceived the world at 20 and how they perceive it now.
• Most women love men, but are frustrated by the differences between them and their partners (assuming they are attracted to men, yes) — and honestly, most women deem a man “a success” if he sired that woman children, provided that’s what both parties wanted.

Painted with a broad brush, but it’s largely true.

The end sequence of Saving Private Ryan, where the elder Matt Damon character wants to know if he was “a good man,” summarizes a lot of the issues men face:

4. The Walsh tweet had 18 million views, so David French wrote a pretty good column about masculinity off of it. There are many different good pockets and quotes of this column. Let me give you one to start:

And simply put, while many men demand respect, what they need is purpose, and the quest for respect can sometimes undermine the sense of purpose that will help make them whole. To put it more simply still: What men need is not for others to do things for them. They need to do things for others: for spouses, for children, for family and friends and colleagues.

Would agree with this. I’ve actually written similar, although I am not a major newspaper columnist.

French continues with this:

Yet there is a danger in the quest for respect. Finding happiness in another person’s regard is elusive and contingent. After all, we have little true control over how others perceive or treat us, yet when we’re denied what we demand, we’re often filled with helpless rage.

Defining your happiness in the context of another is extremely challenging. We’re called to do it with spouses and children, and in fact I’d argue a big reason people have children (or at least third children) is this idea that it will give them “purpose” and “happiness.” I don’t have kids, so I cannot confirm or deny this reality, but it’s an often-stated one. I do anecdotally see a lot of people with young kids, especially women, indicate openly that the kid didn’t “save” anything, even if they love the kid with all their heart. You still need to live your life, and deal with your husband’s bullshit, and have a boss, and have your sister who annoys you sometimes, and you get vomited on. None of this stuff “saves” per se, but we have this narrative around your happiness being positively impacted by this other life. Why do you think some people do 10 rounds of IVF? Indeed.

5. One more French quote about the “value of what we do for others:”

The true challenge to American masculinity is far upstream from politics and ideology. It’s not fundamentally about what ideological combatants say about men — that they have become “toxic” on the one hand, or “feminized” on the other. Rather the challenge is much more about a man finding his purpose, and there are few better purposes than helping the people you love walk through life.

This all brings up a good point about the role of the ideology wars in our general societal discussions. Most of the stuff that consumes thought pieces and airwaves is believed by maybe 6% of the population — 3% on the hard right, 3% on the hard left. Most men don’t actively think about their masculinity; they just wonder if they can deadlift more, get laid more, and if their boss could be less of a fucking wanker. Most women don’t contemplate masculinity either; they want help with children, production of children, a clean home, and a few dates and dinners before someone tries to grab their hair and pound them from behind. 92% of people are thinking about those things, and getting the kids to soccer on Saturday with the right lemon squares, and not about “the downstream effects of masculinity’s redefinition.” That stuff is thought about by people who get paid to write and speak off teleprompters, and who want to create narratives to sell impotence medication alongside of.

All this said, men are in some form of “crisis,” yes.

We could come closer to “solving” it — and the solution for each family will be different — by thinking about this idea of purpose and respect.

6. For a man, I’d say (very broad brush) that respect involves:

• Peons worship him at work.
• Kids don’t talk back.
• He gets laid 2–3 times/week.
• His wife and him have a partnership.
• He is viewed as successful by his friends, neighbors, church, etc.

Now, I’d argue that purpose involves:

• Helping others.
• Raising kids right.
• Having good work that feels dignified.
• Making life better for people.
• Being respectful of friends and family.
• Entertaining positions different from your own and blending those positions into how you think.
• Not being a total asshole.

The problem with these two lists is that List A (“respect”) contains virtually every traditional maker of success, whereas List B (“purpose”) contains very valuable things that are harder to see and thus don’t allow you to view yourself as super successful. I do some stuff (not a ton) from List B, and virtually nothing from List A, and I view myself as a failure daily. I know a dude who lives near me who does literally nothing from List B, but most of List A (told me at a country club once, “Does my wife work? Good Lord no, why would she ever need to?”), and he views himself as incredibly successful. Now, is he internally and emotionally broken? Without question. But we often evaluate men based on what we can see of them — physical, extroverted qualities and markers. And men want to be seen as successful just like anyone else, so in turn they focus on shit that maybe doesn’t matter as much as other stuff.

Maybe the short answer, then, is to guide men towards pursuing purpose as opposed to respect. I don’t know how possible that will be day-over-day, but … it could be the semantic bridge we need to find here.