??Memra NOW: Words of Affirmation, Math People, and The Compliment Game
NOW | Words of Affirmation | February 2025
Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages has been a popular resource for couples since the 1990’s. Of course, Language here is just a metaphor: Chapman’s theory is really more about behavior and psychology than language.
Of the five, only one of these love “languages” is explicitly linguistic: Words of Affirmation (aka compliments). When applied carefully, we can use linguistic research to learn how to better communicate love via Words of Affirmation to the people in our lives.
WHAT LINGUISTS KNOW ABOUT GIVING AND RECEIVING COMPLIMENTS
1. Compliments are formulaic.
Regardless of the language we speak, giving and receiving compliments follows a predictable formula with limited syntactic options.
In fact, cross-linguistically, there are really only three ways people respond to a compliment:
2. The language you speak effects how you respond to compliments.
Arabic Speakers and English Speakers in South Africa, America, and New Zealand are most likely to readily accept a compliment; Irish English Speakers, Turkish Speakers, and East Asian Languages (Chinese, Japanese, Korean) Speakers are most likely to reject compliments.
3. We only compliment things that are valued by society.
In other words, the compliment you give actually says just as much about what is socially valued in your culture as it does about the person you’re complimenting.
3. If you’re an American English speaker, power dynamics constrain your compliments.
In general, Americans do not compliment their superiors. This reflects a cultural belief that only certain people have the authority to give compliments in certain domains…especially compliments referencing ability or performance.
(This is actually flipped in other cultures: in Japan, subordinates are expected to give compliments to show deference and respect to their superiors).
Let’s translate this linguistic research into applied practices for loving one another using Words of Affirmation:
??Don’t agonize over WHAT you’re complimenting.
It’s not really about WHAT you say — it’s the fact THAT you said it. The formulaic nature of compliments shows us that the ritual is more important than the content.
??Don’t take negative responses too seriously. Compliment anyway.
Rejection and evasion of compliments are cultural responses, not responses to your specific compliment. It is likely that the person you complimented still appreciated your affirmation, even when their response struck you as negative.
??Compliment the Powerful.
领英推荐
You probably aren’t complimenting people who are in a higher position of power than you (your parents, your boss, your teacher, etc). And the people in your life who are in a VERY high position of power (like a CEO, for example) may almost never receive compliments. You should send them some words of affirmation this month (note: saying “thank you for ___” doesn’t count! We thank leaders a lot. But thanking is not the same as complimenting).
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Chen, R. (2010). Compliment and compliment response research: A cross-cultural survey. Pragmatics across languages and cultures, 79-101.
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P.S. This NOW article is an example of what Memra does every day: taking linguistic research and turning it into applied practices for life and work. We do this through orgLAB Language Analysis and orgLEARN Linguistic Training. Both are awesome.
BLOG | Language Does More: Language People vs Math People
Language Does More is the space where Memra’s linguists explore all the different subjects that intersect with language. Why? Because language really does do a lot more than you think!
This month:
FEATURED RESOURCE | The Compliment Game: A Distributed Work Tool by OnYourFeet
“The leader begins by saying, “Let’s play the Compliment Game. Use the meeting chat to just write as many compliments as you can about different people on the team. I’m setting the timer for 60 seconds. Go!”
Within 1 minute a small team can easily produce a list of 50+ compliments, where each member sees many compliments directed at them.
After 60 seconds the leader invites everyone to look at the compliments, comment, give thanks, and agree or “ditto” compliments.”