In Memory of Mom: 5 Career Lessons from My Favorite Boss Babe

My mom would have been 60 today. I’ve been missing her for 5 years now. All the little things (like her emojis, her laugh, her warm hugs, mandatory photoshoots even when she was late for church) and the not so little things too. Like how she was my favorite person to discuss my career plans and work with. She was such a boss and brilliant at all the things: investment management for pension funds, fundraising for her LIONS club and other causes she supported, navigating difficult situations, bringing out the best in people, and so much more.

Three years ago, I shared 5 career lessons I learnt from her in a newsletter. I still lean on those lessons, and they never made it to LinkedIn so, in honor of her birthday, here they are again:

#1. Don’t be afraid of confrontation or looking difficult.

It’s nice to be liked, but this isn’t possible all the time, or even most of the time. Not if you are the kind of person that takes a stand on things that are important to you. We should not put up with unsavory situations, unnecessary discomfort or tolerate disrespect just because we do not want to offend. In her words (paraphrasing), it’s not a good reputation for people to say of you, that “you don’t like trouble, you don’t like trouble” because then, they will take the piss.

#2. Don’t take rejection personally.

I received a rejection email for a scholarship application I had worked so hard on. I forwarded it to my mom and she replied, “Congratulations!”

I asked her why she congratulated me for failing. Here’s what she said:

Who was going to tell her that the rejection letter inviting me to try again the next year was just being polite? ??

The lesson: we cannot afford to take rejection personally. It’s not that you’re not good enough, it’s just an opportunity to go back, regroup and try again. Some things don’t work out even when we try and that’s okay too. You deserve your kudos for trying! (Also, just in case you're wondering, I did apply the next year and I still didn't get that scholarship!)

#3. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Do you ever worry about whether something would be a good fit for you? Judging your perception of what that thing is, against who you think you are or what you think you are capable of? I felt this way about starting a legal career and to encourage me, my mom said, “the proof of the pudding is in the eating”. This phrase means that “a person can only know if something is good or bad by experiencing it, not just by appearances or claims about it”. You won’t know unless you try- and by try of course, you really try. Give it a shot. And if it’s not good for you, move on.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left high school. University was next (I had to go, and of course wanted to go) so I chose to study Law. Mom knew I wasn’t really into it, so she arranged summer internships for me for 3 years. Those internships made the law more practical, more tangible than my classes did, and slowly, I started to feel empowered by my decision to study law.?

One year, my mom made me go to the Nigerian Law School campus after work to look at the law students. Yes, I just sat there in the car, watching law students mill about in black and white after class. She did her best to encourage me to experience being a lawyer so that I could decide for myself. Am I going to be good at X? Will I like Y? I won’t know for sure until I actually experience it.

#4. Read, read, read. Knowledge is Power.

When my brother was a baby, he would bang his head against things when he was upset. At first, I was alarmed, but mom would just apply Vaseline to his head, sometimes give painkillers if he ran a fever, and leave him be. She told me this was a thing, and that she learnt it from her Dr Spock book about babies. When I was diagnosed with asthma at age 10, she bought books about it. In high school, she got a pair of books for us that told teens what moms wanted them to know about puberty, and vice versa. When I went to uni, she got “Don’t Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Guide to the College Parenting Years”.?

Maybe this is also a lesson in conscious parenting. She wasn’t a perfect parent, but she tried. She didn’t just wing it; she drew on resources. When I eventually get round to parenting, I know I’m not going to just replicate the way I was raised- I need resources.

Not just with parenting, but with life. I learnt to love reading early in life like my mom, and I find that in adulthood, I read when I feel inadequate, or in a sticky situation, I turn to reading to plug the gap. I read when I’m dealing with something new. When she died, I read several books about grief. I still felt terrible, but they helped me feel less alone. I need to apply more of the things I read (don't we all?!) but it’s a really empowering habit.

#5. The only person that should determine your worth is you.

I was having a rough season at work with one partner, living in fear of his reactions and snark. My anxiety was PEAK because I had won the Associate of the Year award a few months before, so I felt like I was making the firm regret giving me the award every time I made a mistake.

I didn’t realize how bad it was until I came home after a rough day and literally burst into tears immediately when I saw my mom in the kitchen. After hugging me and declaring that we needed to find me a new job, she told me that I must never let ANYONE determine my worth. That not doing one or a few things well, or to my boss’s liking, did not mean that I was totally incapable of doing them well, or that I was bad at my job. A word.

In that season, I learnt to treat praise and criticism the same. I am not amazing today because someone thinks I am, or useless tomorrow because someone else (or that same person even) thinks so. Who I am, and my judgment of my ability is personal to me. (There is room for improvement in the standards I set for myself, but this is a power I consciously reserve for myself).

Bonus Lesson: #6. Shame is useless

My mom was very resourceful. If you brought a problem to her, she wasted no time in connecting you with anyone she knew that could help solve it. She would say that if a problem is not shy to come to you, you should not be shy about finding a solution.

Shame serves no purpose but to keep us in the dark. If you have a problem, speak up. If you know someone that could help you solve it, reach out to them. Use all available resources. Not just for yourself, but for others too.

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Though there’s so much more I wish my mom had stayed to teach me, I’m very thankful for the time we had.

If you read this to the end, thank you for being a part of my little birthday party! Happy birthday, Mom! ??