In memory of Matthew (Stutsel)
This coming week is the anniversary of the loss (actually, we should call it what it is, the suicide) of the person who was closer to me than any human being has been, who I loved and trusted like a brother.
There are many reasons to celebrate Matthews life....his character, that smile, the collaborative approach to work, his intelligence, his marvellous accomplishments but my overwhelming feeling this week is one of sadness. Sadness that he couldn’t overcome his demons and most particularly that he couldn’t reach out to those of us who cared for him so much when things got really tough.
I am not going to spend any time on his demons, we all have them, him and I shared some and it turns out he had some I didn’t know about.. few of us share everything about ourselves with anyone, no matter how close we are.
However, I do want to reflect on dealing with demons. One thing I have learned from my personal experience and 20 plus years of on and off therapy is that you can’t out-think them, you can’t think them out of existence. Trying to survive or beat them purely through intellect doesn’t work. You need to find safe spaces to open up to and about them.
It’s never a failure to admit you are struggling with them, you should never have to wait for RUOK day for someone to ask you if you are ok. If you find yourself struggling today or any other day, do what I wished Matthew had done and reach out to a friend and, if one isn’t available, reach out to me.
Beyond that whilst I am sometimes envious of people who accomplish so much but I always want to ask them one question....how do you deal with the silence...those 4am moments when there is nothing and no one. These moments come to us all and everyone needs to find a way to deal with that silence whether it’s religion, meditation...there isn’t one answer, there is only what works for you.
So celebrate Matthews life but please learn from his death...know that you have/will have demons, don’t hide from them and don’t hide them from those that love you. We will not think less of you....
Head of Tax - the GPT Group
5 年Nicely said Simon. I think of Matthew often and so sad he isn’t here anymore. ??
Freelance IT-Consultant and Project Manager with 20+ years of experience in designing, managing, and delivering complex projects | Digital Transformation | Infrastructure | Governance | TISAX | Cloud | IT Compliance
5 年Hi Simon, first of all thanks for sharing this and I feel your loss as I as well have lost people to their inner demons. One thing I have found out over the years, is that you can never banish them from inside you, as they are a part of you. The worst thing is to try to ignore them or try to lock them up away, it only makes them stronger. In the end it is always the balance between the good and the bad. It’s about having the courage to notice them and give them your attention, to accept them as a part of who you are. Only through acceptance and understanding can you find the balance and sustain it. Each of has a good and bad part that resides insides us, the constant battle of keeping the balance in between them is what makes us human in the end. So next time at 4 am when your inner demons show up, don’t ignore them but try to understand them. You will see, that their stronghold will lessen and the night won’t be a bleak as it was before. Never loose faith in yourself!
Manager Tasmania at LMI Group
5 年Oh yes. Totally agree and thanks for sharing. My personal experience is that once overtaken by the demons ones ability to cope with the plethora is drastically reduced for ever more.
Tax Partner PKF
5 年Thank you for sharing. We all miss Matthew.
2022 Mediator of the Year | I save businesses time, energy and money by resolving disputes without costly trials. And I train and coach clients' to build skills and confidence in negotiation and conflict management
5 年What a beautifully written piece Simon Clark. And such an important message.