In Memoriam: Alanjohn Park 1962-2022

It was the worst gig of my life. I had committed to photographing a "Roast" and to perform as well. The Roast was of my good friend Alan Park of the CBC's Air Farce. He was turning 50 and I knew I was going to attend but to photograph and perform was akin to doing the Olympic Biathlon, you had to draw on your adrenaline and lower your heartbeat, all at the same time. I had made it part of my life's work to capture as many moments on digital celluloid catching a glimpse of Canadian Comedy in an era that produced so much good talent. In many ways it was the high watermark of Canadian Comedy even though we had already produced Jim Carrey, Mike MacDonald, Norm and Howie. Say what you will about their styles, they "made" it. This next generation could pilfer and be influenced and improve the craft that much more.

So on this show was Lawrence Morgenstern, Dave Hemstad, Mark Walker, Darren Frost, Harry Doupe, Dave Martin, Ron Sparks, and me...Heavy hitters all!

I was rusty, shooting in Low light and really hadn't thought of anything to say. Roasting Alan Park? well lots to say but I went on stage and I dried up. It is not uncommon to have bad shows but I was being judged against these heavyweights of the "scene". I was on a show with top talent and even though I might've known Alan better than all of them, I had nothing.

You see, Alan and I had a different relationship than most. I knew he didn't want to mix me in with the comedy scene because I was a little persona non grata. In my own inimitable way, I had taken on the "club" a few years before. Made my way, then pissed off the next wave because I wanted credit and ownership for what we had achieved. The achievements coincided with creating an outside market, so that comics could provide themselves with an income or at the very least an alternative. It worked and has kept going since but in many ways it is just as exclusionary (ironic). So I said some things...stayed away... and only came back because I was photographing shows...I never stopped being funny but in many ways my bridges were burned and Poof there goes that career...but I am still funny

The show was humming along, Joke after joke roasted Alan and he was loving it. I had never seen Alan laugh so hard actually. he loved that his peers prepared material and said all the things they thought and more than that said in the spirit it was meant.

Alan and I were secret friends, we had started stand up in 1986 or thereabouts and with his partner , they did a double act. It was OK but like all starting comics, the biggest motivation is to just get on a stage...the funny usually comes later. Some people write new stuff every week, Others will do just one joke and build on that. My first night, I did two and a half minutes of a five minute set and ran off... I got laughs but I didn't do the job.. Two and half minutes is not just half of five, but exponentially less. And putting together 10 minutes is a square of difficulty compared to 5 minutes...all the way to 40 and 45 then onto hours...Now do you see why it is so hard? It is like the difference between a line, a square and a cube. Written words, spoken words, performed words.

We were secret friends because Alan confided in me away from others. My wife and his wife became friends, our kids, and so on. He knew he could confide in me, because I wasn't competing with him...In fact, I started to figure out there and then, that it was going to be a little more about him than me. And that was fine, He needed something else. I had just got my my teaching certificate and had worked with students at Unionville High School for about 8 weeks total, teaching Mime and developing a unit on Stand up utilizing the work they had done in clowning, bringing clown to voice. I said to Alan that I could help him, and we worked together. On one occasion, I had him trying to get to a place of stream of consciousness. I had watched his performance recently and he was stilted. I had said to him "Alan, you are one of the funniest guys I know offstage, like Jim Carrey type talented, but you are squandering it on trying to be one of the"guys". It is a curse to try to be anyone else in the arts but it is also not uncommon, so I viewed it as a phase.

On his life journey, I watched him strive. he would invent newer ways to work. One day, he asked me to fix his computer. Not a techy, he would get very frustrated at times and this was one of those times. In that voice of his, which I have heard oft imitated, he would rage, ''WHY THE FUCK DO THEY SAY IT'S SO GOOD AND YET IT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL?"

"Let me look at it Alan" ...some time later..."Fixed" then back again. His desktop was full of files, hundreds..."what are these files Alan?" "Those?"..."they are my new set." He was taking audio files and editing all the pauses out. He was paring down his act to only the best and most efficient version...for every set. There were hundreds of these tiny files all over his desktop. He was making himself laser focused. No word or moment wasted. I knew then that he had gotten over the hump of doubt that was all over his earlier act. He was finally finding his stride where offstage funny was clambering onstage. Not everyone, even with a career, achieves that.

But there was another Alan, The father, the husband, the little brother, the orphan. As much as Alan was accomplished, the holes were many, imperfection in an artist is not new but we don't always break well, sometimes it is ugly. Alan just couldn't hold it together and it crumbled around him.

Today in a conversation, I said to someone, that I was to Alan: more a brother than a friend, more a father than a brother, more a mentor than a father. It wasn't my job but I knew to take on the role of necessary support. By others, I was regarded as enabling him but really I was a sounding board. I knew I was risking other friendships but I also knew he needed someone in his corner. so when he was diagnosed, I stayed until 4:30 am and listened. When he found refuge after Jamaica, I listened. And I saw and I watched and I listened. that's all he needed but after his Cancer diagnosis and his self medication, even though he defied medical expertise, it was hard to watch him tumble.

It was almost my time to go onstage, my settings were the best they could be, shooting lowlight, under exposing them and bringing them up in lightroom. I knew the Dominion Hotel and remembered the settings...and then my name was called. Photographer Rob was taking a backseat. Comic Rob's time now

On stage I went. I looked around the room. I was intimidated, confused by multitasking, and BLANK. I looked at Alan and even though he wanted me to throw down and level him with some great line, NOTHING...The next five minutes were interminable. I couldn't bring myself to reach deep enough or to hurt my friend despite the rules. I would do the walk of shame tonight even though it was a ripe audience, there for the picking. People were polite but everyone knew I was shit. But Alan gave me a big hug anyway and laughed at me after the show. He knew that his Big Brother couldn't punch down that night...and that was ok

I have heard many a story about his long past. I didn't bring this up but I noticed something that night. Alan was truly happy. Like Life affirming happy. Many of us don't get celebrated that way.

His father and he were not close, but he started to understand his father more and more, as we all do, the older he got, he realized that he was human, like all of us. As a tribute to his father he changed his name to Alan John, John was already his middle name but he wanted to honour him. I'm glad he did. As an orphan, he searched for that father, That night, I noticed his relationship with his father in law thought, "Alan has found a Dad". They were great together. Maybe they even loved each other. Nice.

Sometimes, I thought that Alan had asked for Cancer, not because he was going to writhe in pain, but rather because as an orphan, he had lost his beloved mother to it. He wanted to take all that spite and hatred and beat it down and get his mother back . He almost did it. Eight more years on a six month sentence. but he is with her now

Thank you to darren frost and @Stephanie Corrin for your courage and love for Alan when it mattered most. To Kim Sakamoto , Danny Mendlow for backing him with action and not just words

RIP brother. Peace Brother

Today? Please call me a friend and sadly, say hello to the rest

Rob

#TooManyToosoonTooOften

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