FROM: Chief People Person
SENT: From my home office
By now you have all read about companies struggling with RTO (return to office) v WFH (work from home) policies. We have given serious thought to this issue and have decided on the following:
- We will be virtualizing as many sickcare interactions as possible, given there aren't enough staff to do it face to face anyway, and those that are here are on strike. If you are taking care of patients with diabetes, please refer them to the Walmart down the street.
- Not only will we be eliminating RTO, but we will also be limiting RTOR (return to the OR). We will be making significant investments in a new Department of Telerobotic Surgery and recruiting a new fellowship director...remotely of course.
- Those that WFH will take a 20% cut in their salaries forfeiting your "face time" premium
- If you have an office on campus, you can elect to forfeit it so we can convert it to condos or commericial coworking spaces, or rent it for a nominal fee. Parking is not included
- Those that work in the C-suite will continue to RTO at least 3 days a week since we do not want to get in the way of all the innovation they produce and interfere with the collaboration required to make it and charge for it. If it's good enough for Apple, who are we to buck the trend.
- If you decide working from home all the time is just not working, then you can apply to work in one of our retail medical malls near you. Most have parking. Apply to HR if you are interested in a non-clinical career as a greeter.
- Resident and medical student education, training and supervision will be done remotely as soon as possible. I mean, how long does it really take to see one, do one, teach one?
- You will be able to create WFH credits that can be redeemed on our online store for merchandise sold in our greatly expanded medical department store and used for a subcription to WFH Magazine (online edition only), not to be confused with WTF Magazine.
- We are creating on offshore call center to improve the patient experience
- The policy will be revised on a periodic basis
We appreciate your compliance with these guidelines as we strive to be named to the US News and World Report Best Hospitals for the 7th consecutive year. Please submit your ballot when you receive it.
Arlen Meyers, MD, MBA is the President and CEO of the Society of Physician Entrepreneurs
