Meeting the Working Parent's Needs

Finding work-life balance as a parent and figuring out how to support staff who are parents when you're not one yourself can both feel . . . elusive. Either like a New Year's Resolution pipe dream to the working parent or like fumbling in the dark to the child-free boss. Having started a family late in life (we have 5 and 2-year-old girls), I've been in both roles. Let's start by agreeing on this baseline: perfection isn't going to happen, and there is no magic formula (neither of parental habits nor of workplace policies) where the parent (or anyone, really) is fully rested, exercised, and firing on all cylinders all the time. But there are reasonably implementable steps we can take as parents and bosses to find a balance that can help stave off burnout for working parents.

(For more details on creating work-life balance in general, see this article .)

(For parenting advice in general, follow my brilliant friend, Deborah Farmer Kris , Founder of Parenthood365 .)

You Define the "All" in "Having it All"

What this Means for Parents

I've lived in and around Washington, D.C. for 15+ years now. I love D.C. -- the energy, the beating heart of policy-making, the brilliant, mission-focused people determined to change the world, the fact that, here, at 46, I'm not an "old" Kindergarten mom ;). I don't ascribe to that whole "swamp" epithet. At the same time, it can be difficult to keep yourself grounded here. Self-worth can very quickly get tied-up in how often you check your work messages, how many frequent flier miles you've racked up, whether you've hitched your wagon to a political star, and whether your titles are ever-rising in rank. You therefor run the risk of losing the rest your self in that swirling hurricane, and, depending on how you want to parent (or are able to, given other circumstances), it can seem impossible to achieve your professional and personal dreams at the same time.

The message here for current parents or aspiring parents is that you need to give yourself permission to make choices and sacrifices about your career, within your particular life circumstances, in order to have the family life that you want. "Having it all" means something different to each person because "all" is different for each person and different for the same person at different times in their life. It might not always be possible, or even desirable, to keep climbing the career ladder while you start a family. And that's ok (as long as it's not just expected of women to make all the career-side trade-offs). Stay in your current role for longer than you might have otherwise if it's working for you. Or look for next steps where you will learn something -- where you will gain new skills, expand your network, challenge your brain in new ways. That job might be a lateral or downward title move to a bigger organization or a upward title move to a smaller organization. When possible, take the job that will, on balance, give you the flexibility you want to have while your kids are young -- even if it's smaller than what your full single, childless potential might have been. Or even decide to be Home CEO full time. And then surround yourself with others who value the same balances that you do, folks who will reaffirm and uplift your choices.

The message here for [parents] is that you need to give yourself permission to make choices and sacrifices about your career . . . in order to have the family life that you want. "Having it all" means something different to each person because "all" is different for each person and different for the same person at different times in their life.

What this Means for Bosses

When recruiting and hiring, put aside the old rules of looking for continual title and salary progression, assigning negative points for career gaps, recruiting/poaching from specific organizations, etc. Those rules weed out almost everyone except generationally wealthy (or upper middle class) white men; and, honestly, it's a lazy way to cull the applicant list and ignore the sum of the person's experience. Instead look for things like progression of skill building (which includes running a household), risk tolerance in taking new career paths instead of following a straight progression, and successes in each role. Require and actually read cover letters, where the applicant can help you interpret their career path and assess their potential. On that . . . . value potential! Your next brilliant COO might very well be the parent who took a few years off to focus full time on their young kids, rather than the already-existing COO you poached from somewhere else. For one thing, they're probably going to be incredible about multi-tasking and seeing through the chaos to focus on what's most important in the moment.

Think also about the senior leadership and C-suite roles in your organization. Are 60+ hour work weeks inevitable, or has it just become habit? How much of the stress and urgency is spun-up internally? How much of the travel could shift to virtual meetings (thereby also reducing your carbon footprint)? Do those roles really need to be on-site, or could they be remote, with quarterly in-person get-togethers? Could your organization disrupt the broader culture and be a shining example of valuing work-life balance at all levels of the organization so that parents (and other caretakers, some disabled folks, etc.) don't have to make as many trade-offs to take those senior positions?

Find Your Balance and Don't Apologize for it

What this Means for Parents

Obviously, I can't tell you what your balance is, but there are a few universal rules to live by.

1. Do everything you can to get enough sleep. I know, especially when your kids are young, that this, as part of some kind of torture experiment, is almost entirely based on your kids. But . . . . I will suggest that you forgo working once the kids are in bed in favor of doing yoga, reading, playing a board game with your partner, etc. and then make a habit of lights out at an unreasonably early time for an adult. When you're better rested, you get more and better work done during the day anyway. (Save those diaper orders and field trip permission slips for little breaks during the work day.)
2. Try to get some exercise every week day, at least some of it outside. On this, it needs to be whatever works for you and is actually a sustainable, enjoyable habit. D.C. folks, I'm looking at you . . . it does NOT need to be competitive triathlons. For me, it's a 30-45 minute warm-up through cool-down cardio+strength combo on YouTube in the morning, while my insistently morning-person kids watch Number Blocks and crawl under my legs while I'm trying to do lunges. Plus a rain-or-shine, 15 minute walk around the block M-F during the day when I need to reset my brain (with my husband, if he's working from home). When a workout is my first activity of the day, my mental space for my job (and family) is so much healthier because I've started the day having accomplished something (with a bonus endorphin rush). Weekend workouts then become pure fun -- family bike rides, hikes, etc.
3. Find some regular, built-in, blocked-off-on-your-work-calendar time for yourself and/or for you and loved ones who aren't your kids. My husband and I block off 9-10am one morning a week for coffee and pastries out together. Friday afternoons at 4pm, before we need to start the after-school/daycare pickup, we have a little cocktail at home, phones put away. One day a week, I do a full 3 mile walk outside, during work hours -- it helps to reinvigorate creative thinking -- without fail, I return in a better state of mind. Sometimes I walk by myself and listen to a podcast about something that purposefully is not directly related to my work, and sometimes I walk with a friend and chat about whatever -- either way, I'm not expressly trying to accomplish a work task. And I'm doing it child-free.
4. Let Go of Some of Your Preconceived Notions of the Perfect Work-Parenting Balance. Put another way, "choose your battles." For example . . . .If letting the kids watch a couple episodes of Gabby's Dollhouse after school means that you can attend a work meeting uninterrupted, their brains won't rot. Choose a weekday every week where you have breakfast for dinner -- the cereal and toast kind, not the bacon and eggs kind -- so that you can work a little later that day and not have to think about the menu, at least for that day. Consider making your grocery shopping trip during a weekday lunchtime if you work from home -- you get some steps in, and it's far quicker than doing it on the weekend (which gives you back some weekend time to do something for yourself or a fun family activity). Take some of your work meetings, when necessary, as calls from the car on your way back from daycare drop-off or your way to pick-up -- don't stress about not being on camera or present in person. Sometimes you'll miss games or school parties; sometimes you'll have to bow out of work travel or make a fuss about rescheduling a meeting -- it's ok -- remember the overall balance (your definition of "all"), and let go of perfection, both as a parent and as an employee.
5. Do Not Apologize for Finding Your Balance and Setting Firm Boundaries. Set boundaries that are allowable within your organization's policies and stick to them by communicating those boundaries, adding personal time blocks to your calendar, etc. Do not apologize for having to take your kid to urgent care, for taking time to pump without working at the same time, for exercising in the middle of the day, for not checking non-emergency work messages outside of work hours, for picking up your kid from the bus in the middle of the afternoon and getting them started on an activity, . . . not for anything that is within policy.

What this Means for Bosses

I've said some of this before , but it bears repeating.

• Don't make assumptions or judgments about anyone's own definition of balance and boundaries, parenting style, partner and living situation, childcare situation, etc. Create a culture wherein employee's feel safe in coming to their managers, HR, etc. with their specific needs as a working parent. Not all of those needs can always be reasonably accommodated, but keep an open mind about what's possible -- balanced employees who aren't burnt out are more productive and less costly than employees who burn-out or resign.
• Where possible within the context of your organization, avoid micromanaging people's time. Allow for the flexibility to workout during work hours, pick kids up from school, pump in peace, go to doctor's appointments, etc. without having to constantly "prove" or justify it (unless you suspect the employee is taking advantage of the flexibility) or miss meetings (and hence miss out on decision-making). This kind of flexibility will also force you to be more judicious about what really needs a meeting versus an email exchange or editing a shared doc. Be flexible about allowing folks to be off-camera (or calling in remotely) during meetings.
• Set a very high bar for what constitutes an emergency that requires after hours communication, and create a clear call-tree of who needs to be contacted when. Expect that between about 3 and 4 pm every day, parents often need to pick up their kids from school or the bus stop, so it's not always necessarily a great time to schedule frequent, recurring meetings. Likewise, after 5pm, parents are in the whirlwind hurricane that is daycare pick-up, making dinner, helping with homework, bedtime, etc. So meetings after 5 should be rare where possible and, when a late meeting is necessary, parents at least need sufficient advance warning to arrange for a partner or another caregiver (which could mean big $$$) to take over solo. If a parent is constantly missing pop-up meetings, before taking them to task for it, consider whether the meeting timing can be better planned. As much as you can, encourage social, team-bonding activities that aren't regularly centered around post-5pm happy hours, e.g. -- akin to business networking occurring on golf courses amongst wealthy, white men -- even when it's not a formal meeting, people are being left out of team bonding and relationship-building.
• Encourage sharing (where comfortable and appropriate) of stories and photos about employee's families, pets, and hobbies (through a #justforfun Slack channel, e.g.). By acknowledging and celebrating the whole self, parents are less likely to feel like they have to put on a childless work persona.
• Set your own boundaries and then stick to them as well. Not only do you need your own balance, but if you don't set the example yourself, then no matter how much you might talk about a workplace culture that is supportive of parents and work-life balance in general, people won't feel safe to set their own boundaries. Model not apologizing for being a parent.
• If being present in the office is truly absolutely necessary, have a quiet, private (locking door), comfortable place for pumping, with power outlets, and a fridge for breastmilk only -- a place that is not a restroom. And don't expect people to join even virtual meetings or answer emails/messages while pumping. Even from a strictly business standpoint, it's going to take the employee a lot more time to pump and attempt to work at the same time than it is to just let them pump in peace and then get on with their day.
• Remember also not to create balance for parents by shifting extra burden onto employees who aren't parents/caregivers.