Meeting the Dalai Lama and Steven Bartlett, plus Insights from Arthur C. Brooks to support you in Divorcing with Confidence and Living Your Best Life.

Did you know I met and shook hands with the Dalai Lama? Funnily enough, even though I’ve been to Ladack, India, where he first fled to when Tibet was taken over, and to Dharamshala where he now lives. But I actually met him in Kildare, Ireland! He was visiting via a charity event and I introduced him to my then 2 year old daughter too- no wonder she is so wise!

?One question that was put to the Dalai Lama was ‘How do you get lasting satisfaction?’. He replied ‘You have to want what you have, not have what you want.’

?I also met Steven Bartlett, from Dragons Den and Diary of a CEO fame, in person. I love his podcast.

As I progress into 2024, I want to mix up life philosophy, meaning and purpose with the expertise I offer to my clients, because what I provide is not ‘just’ expert advice and logic to support my clients, but also a deeper understanding of what will make them happier in their new lives.

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As a result, I am going to start offering a newsletter each week, built around philosophy and purpose as well as great tips for your divorce and life progress.

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I promise to give you a summary of the key points of the podcast, mixed with a philosophical twist, and with some suggestions that will help you on your own separation and divorce journey towards a life you love.

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And I’ll kick this off by getting inspiration from Diary of a CEO podcasts. Because it will give me a fun reason to listen to a podcast each week, and offer you an executive summary wrapped around helping you build out a better life during and after your separation and divorce. Oh and my small ambition is to get onto Steve’s podcast one day! Six degrees of separation? So I can help support even more people.

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This week my newsletter is based off Steve Bartlett’s interview with #1 Happiness Expert and Harvard Professor and author of ‘Build the Life You Want- The Art and Science of Getting Happier’ that he co-wrote with Oprah Winfrey- Arthur C. Brooks.

Two deep questions he asks his students and I will pass on to you are called The Vision Quest:

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1.?????? Why are you alive?

2.?????? For what are you willing to die for?

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There are no right or wrong answers, just your own answers.

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If you’re struggling with how to answer these questions, like much of humanity is, he suggests getting curious about the following 3 questions:

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1.?????? Moral Foundations/ Moral Philosophy: The Base of the Pyramid- What are my current moral principals? What do I think is right and wrong? What are my moral non-negotiables? Think about this with your separation and divorce proceedings, and also around how you want your future relationships and communications with your co-parent to be like. I suggest you do a brain-dump on a piece of paper and no think too much about what comes out. Doing things not in accord with how you want to live is what often brings up issues in relationships, but also issues with yourself if you are not honoring yourself as a person of integrity. We need to see ourselves as good people.

2.?????? Contemplative Tradition- Sitting still without your phone! You need more contemplative time to experience transcendence. Just having white space, siting still, enjoying just being alive. Mindfulness fits into this. ?(Ellen Langer) Looking out the window while on the bus, or going for a walk, without your headphones/earpods on. Just in silence. Contemplate the sources of your gratitude too. This will open up space for answers to come to you naturally. Maybe you can hear your intuition better? Your intuition is your best friend, your wisest and caring friend, always looking out for you by the way!

3.?????? Reading- Read intelligent, enriching, books for at least 15 minutes a day to broaden your mind. (or maybe start with the book of ‘Build the Life You Want’). Contemplate what you learn from those smart books to see if you agree with them or not. Spend more time in contemplation.

These three steps will help you answer the above first 2 questions more profoundly, based on the Tibetan Buddhist protocol.

He mentions that most people wish their partners were more like them and liked exactly what they liked, however what people really need for a relationship to be successful is to have partners who ‘complement’ their personality and therefore complete them. Finding ways in which you are different and celebrating those differences is key to a good relationship. You don’t want to marry someone who is exactly like you. Wishing that your partner is more like you is a form of egotism.

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A few other good quotes from this podcast that might be relevant to your divorce situation::

·???????? ‘Women are frustrated because they think that they can change their husbands and they can’t. Husbands are frustrated because they thought their wives would never change and they do.’

·???????? ‘Positivity is a Mind Virus. So is Negativity. So pass on the Positivity Virus’

·???????? ‘When your friends get divorced, you’re more likely to get divorced. When your friends get happy, you’re more likely to get happy.’ The closer the relationship, the stronger the transmission.

·???????? ‘Be compassionate to your children, not just empathetic. You’re their parent, not their friend.’- You need to help with solutions not just listen. Doing things they need because you love them, which is sometimes difficult and not what they want, things like bedtime rules and social media rules. Asking ‘What does this person that I love actually need?’. Sometimes it means taking care of your own happiness so you can be more present for them.

·???????? ‘Anxiety is unfocused fear’- Write down your anxiety. Write down why is that fear happening, what is the worst thing that could happen, and what can I do about it? Turns it into a logical, focused fear and help you feel more control. Failure is a spectre for strivors, like many of my clients are, striving for success. When you identify the fear and look at it closer, it goes away. Or turns into a mouse, not a lion.

·???????? The things we can’t control are virtually all outside ourselves. Refocus our attention on the parts of our life that we actually can control. Gives us agency and a sense of peace about the truly uncontrollable.

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Arthur Brooks says happiness is the pursuit of 3 things: Enjoyment, Satisfaction and Meaning.

True Enjoyment comes from building happy memories with people. How can you help reduce the bad memories of your divorce, and build happier memories with your children and those you love? How can you remember the happy memories with your ex (your co-parent) and use these in your communications to reduce the angst in your divorce?

Satisfaction comes from all the things you have, divided by all the things you want. Hence, why the Dalai Lama suggests ‘Want what you have, not what you want’. ?Wanting less helps bring enduring satisfaction. What is it that you currently have that you can be more grateful for? How can you reduce what you want in your divorce by focusing on what is truly most important to you?

?It’s the striving towards what you want, the progress, that actually brings us the happiness, not necessarily the end goal. Very often people go through depression once the divorce is over- they have been holding themselves together all that tie, and once they finally release the stress, there is a bitter sweet relief and the often a depression that the dream of the relationship and marriage truly is over. How can you recognize your small wins all along the process and striving towards your divorce> Having small rests by celebrating the little wins helps you reach the end goal with less pain after.

Meaning is the ‘Why?’ of your life. Go back to those Vision Quest questions above. Goals should not be around money, power, pleasure or fame. These are just sub-achievements.

The four goals that really matter towards happiness are spirituality (faith), family, friendships and work that serves others/ has meaning.

This is something I work on with my clients when building out their lifestyle plan. How can you build in more spirituality, time to build closeness and good memories with family and friends, and add a hobby or do work that gives you meaning?

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And because my life is filled with purpose and meaning by having you as my clients, I am amping up my service by a gazillion times this year. I am fully dedicated because I know this is my life purpose.

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I have learnt so much from you over the last 3 years. I have thrown everything I know and learnt and studied, all of the last 3 years of experience, over 300 clients, over 30 students, and deep studies into coparenting, personal finance, money mindset, NLP, coercive control, lifestyle planning, and philosophy . I have mixed this all up, and created a four beautiful new offering out of it for 2024.

When I meet with you during my upcoming offerings for 2024 I will offer you the following ten things, because my aim is to lift people up and bring them together in the spirit of happiness and love:

1.?????? I listen to your story and ask deep questions that helps you uncover what your painpoints and roadblocks really are.

2.?????? I apply my expertise and logic together with my coaching techniques and support you to solve for the key worries you have top of mind.

3.?????? I then help you build out the first draft of a unique, personal strategic, step by step plan for your own unique divorce journey.

4.?????? I help you identify why you aren’t happy, in your relationship and life, and what would make you really happier. (it’s usually not what you think…)

5.?????? I then help you build out another strategic plan, this time for your life- A Lifestyle Plan.

6.?????? We then align your divorce plan with your lifestyle plan, and make the right tweaks to ensure that what you want out of your divorce, matches with what will actually make you happy with your life.

7.?????? We then ‘peel back the onion’ to uncover what limiting beliefs are holding you back from living the life you truly want. I use complex Quantum Thinking Transformation- a mix of NLP and somatic exercises- to remove those blocks.

8.?????? If you want, I also offer you a supportive community of like minded people that you can share their journey with if and whenever you choose.

9.?????? I offer luxuriously relaxing and healthy retreats in five-star castles in Ireland to give you ‘white space’ to find yourself, with my one-to-one in-person support there with you along the way.

10.?? This bundle of services lifts my you up, helps you build a life that you love, and to move forward to divorce with confidence. ?

I use the DIVORCE acronym to help you get there, art of my upcoming book that my past clients and new 2024 clients will get first.

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Do you want to learn more? Email me at [email protected] and get a free 30-Day Step-by-Step guide to help you in your divorce process. My new website www.melmurphyinternational.com is about to be released!

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PLUS For limited time only, I am offering 10 Quantum Thinking Transformation sessions for FREE over the next 10 working days until February 2nd. This usually costs 300euros. I will never offer this for free again.

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What is Quantum Thinking Transformation again? QTT uses deep work to identify a limiting belief that you might have held since childhood that is holding you back from being your best self today. Don’t worry if you’re not sure about what your limiting belief is. During our 90 minute session we will explore and uncover this together, and do a simple yet very powerful exercise to help you finally move past it. It is based off the work I studied with the famous Moira Geary- you can learn more about it at www.moirageary.com

This is a one-time offer only, for a 90 minute session with me where we will identify a limiting belief you think is holding you back from moving forward with confidence in your divorce. Book in here for your free 90-minute session over the next 10 working days, usually worth 300euros, as a one-time offer only before my new 2024 bundles come out. Only 10 spaces available! I will never offer this for free again- Book for free here.

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Take Very Good Care of Yourself.

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X Mel.

#melmurphy

#arthurbrooks

#stevenbartlett

#dalailama

#divorce

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