Meet yourself and say hello...

Time. The one commodity that cannot be created anew and yet it can be given, traded, utilised, lost, gained, received. This week, I took a decision to give myself time. This time would be without distraction, immersed in a place and a mindset where I could examine the one thing we claim to know and yet seldom understand - ourselves.

When I was first invited to be a Fellow at St George's House, I felt humbled and privileged. Yet I did not comprehend the impact it could have upon me. Surrounded and immersed in the awe-inspiring and thought-provoking environment of Windsor Castle, I found myself examining the very concept of self and of self in context. More importantly, this examination - or more accurately enquiry - was in a way that no other development programme, coaching experience or retreat has allowed in the past.

Many people who work with me, or play sport with me or just share time with me are often surprised when they discover I consider faith a strong driver in my life. Listening to the Evensong each evening at St George's Chapel, I found the words, the music and the environment stirring and sparking thoughts I haven't felt in a long time. If you will permit me, I wanted to quote one thing - it is part of the dismissal passage at the end of the service:

Go forth into the world in peace; be of good courage; hold fast that which is good; render to no-one evil for evil; strengthen the fainthearted; support the weak; help the afflicted; honour everyone; love and serve the Lord in that which you do rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit....

I reflected on those words and late one evening received a moment of realisation and clarity. It was deep, emotional and core to me. Within my context, I often describe my drive to do public good, to be in public service and to contribute to something bigger than just myself. This answer to "Why that job/role/sector?" usually does the trick. The true answer is that, as a young boy - troubled, angry and wanting - I was sat in church hearing those words every Sunday. Sat in a church where I was able to be away from that which troubled me. Sat amongst friends in the choir. Sat, one could say, at peace. What if those words went in and provided a purpose? What if.....

I have often described that the world is conspiring to put us all in a place to do something. We can often look back and connect dots which can reaffirm that position. I know I can, and have, which has helped me to explain or perhaps rationalise why in a number of cases when the odds were seemingly stacked against me - I am still standing.

Unbeknownst to me, I have been fighting through life. To be the best version of me that I can be, to honour those who are not here when I am, to repay a debt to those who are the reason I am still here. Duty is a core value for me and one of strength at a gut level. Yet I was unaware that the alter-ego of it was a burden - a metaphorical backpack, heavy and getting heavier, which has been putting a pressure on me as I move through life. Needing me to fight harder and faster.

Go forth into the world in peace. I have been missing that part of the passage haven't I? Go forth into the world in peace. How can I be of service, and rejoice in that service, if I am not in and at peace? This week, I rediscovered what it is to be in peace and how that feels. It feels good! In doing so, I was able to meet myself and to return to faith. Even as I write this, it stirs strong feelings.

This was one of many aspects which have come with an immense clarity. From this I was then able to consider how I become comfortable with who I am; what my purpose is; where my legacy lies; upon whose shoulders I stand and how my leadership now needs to develop. All in such a relatively short amount of time. This would have seemed impossible to me if you were to tell me I could receive the depth of clarity which I have received. Yet as I reflect now; how much of our life is filled with the hustle and bustle, distracting us and allowing focus to wain? I'm going to share this advice in the hope that if you are facing a challenge, if you are feeling lost, if you are feeling that there is a question you cannot truly understand or an answer that seems too far off for you - give the time, find the environment, create the space, connect with the guide(s) that work for you and immerse yourself. Without distraction, allow the clarity to come to you and, once achieved, keep it close, remember it and allow yourself to be truly grateful.

For my part, I am grateful for the opportunity and privilege as a Fellow of St George's House. I am grateful for being able to have the time and space afforded to me this week at Windsor Castle. I am grateful to those whom I met as strangers on Sunday and, having shared the time and space together, today feel the sense of true and lifelong friends in Fellowship.

I am now able to face outward and say; Hello Darren; it has been so long but great to meet again. Hello God; I am now home. Hello Everyone, I am at peace. I am ready.