Meet my friend, Perfect

Before we begin, a word of caution. Let's not be in a hurry to label ourselves. Such 'badges of honour' (e.g. I'm a perfectionist) have a way of holding us to paths that don't serve us any longer. At the very least say it's your preference to have perfect results. Implying that it's not your only option. Give yourself room to manoeuvre.?

Meet my friend, 'Perfect'

This is my best friend, 'Perfect'. Perfect has everything I could possibly desire and more! Perfect is so shiny and possessive that all others just fall short.?We do everything together.

We call our friendship, Perfectionism. Perfectionism is usually a?3-punch formula. One, we believe that flawlessness is achievable and, two, we refuse to accept anything less than that.?

This is based on the underlying beliefs we both share. For example:

Thinking back, we learned to do this to avoid feeling hurt. There were some clear and unbending expectations from us as children - be it from family or society. Any time we did not meet those expectations fully, we faced criticism, shaming, stonewalling, rejection and sometimes even neglect. It hurt.

Being intelligent, we quickly developed skills to avoid disappointing others around us and, on the contrary, win over-the-top appreciation. That signalled to us that we were as far away from hurt as we could possibly get in that moment.

This pattern has served us well - we are over-achievers and the envy of many. But only we know how hard our feet are paddling underwater to keep us afloat.

The invasion of questions

We've run into some challenges. A line of thinking that is making me wonder if my friend Perfect is imaginary or real. I don't like it but these questions keep coming to me.

First. How do we identify flawlessness? We thought it was when our task reached a targeted state so that it matched what we'd planned in our mind. But, what happens then? Does it defy physics and remain frozen in that flawless state forever? Is it really flawless if it peaks for a moment and then, following the fundamental laws of nature, things change??

This raises another question. Could it be that it is impossible for absolute flawlessness to actually exist? Then, if nothing less than flawlessness is acceptable to me, have I just been failing?all along? Welcome to the third punch of Perfectionism. I've been Knocked Out.?

Once the yellow canaries stop circling my head, I think: I can't say our friendship is 'healthy perfectionism'. That oxymoron has holes.

Perfectionism is an abusive relationship

Pursuing the impossible is exhausting, demotivating and stressful for me. I do some research. In 2019,?Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill defined 3 different types of perfectionism: self-oriented, socially-prescribed, and other-oriented perfectionism. I feel I keep bouncing between the three and each feeds the others.?

As a result, I am militantly self-critical. Mistakes are intolerable. Failure is a dark monster under my bed. I almost become irrational in pursuit of my imaginary perfection. To combat failure, I need to, need to control everything I possibly can. That's another impossible goal. Sometimes, my fear becomes so overwhelming, I put off beginning a task. Because I suspect achieving the impossible is... not possible. I will inevitably fail. Enter procrastination - a state of building anxiety, panic, sleeplessness, eating disorders and escapism.?

Any positive sense of self is steadily eroded.

Meet 'High Standards'

One fine day, I notice someone else. Someone who's silently been by my side all along. I wonder: Did I actually mean to make friends with?'High Standards'? That one doesn't keep knocking the wind out of me.

My friendship with High Standards is variable, tolerant and inclusive. Just as shiny yet grounded in reality. Most times when I try to do things with High Standards, I meet success. I am happier and healthier in mind, body and soul.

I don't hate Perfect but Perfect and I are just not right for each other. Now, anytime Perfect comes knocking on my door, we wish each other well and firmly go our own way.?

It's a brighter world.?

#perfectionism #perfect #selfcare #selfawareness

Anjali Rose Dayal is a trained Change and Communications Coach with nearly two decades' experience in communications and organisational engagement.

www.anjalirosedayal.com