Meet Each Other On the Field

Often I wonder how close our daily global events are mirroring what draws us to binge on series such as "Game of Thrones" and the likes. Pick your favorite epic. Fiction or non-fiction. Religious or mythological. Most follow Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey . Most lay out the concept of "good" vs. "evil" - unless you pay close attention to the dichothemy of what lies beneath. Stay tuned on one example below.

Conditions of VUCA (volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity) are all around us all the time. Stress, anxiety and mental health challenges are increasing rapidly.

Many headlines refer to polarized countries and communities. The "us" and "them" mentality is happening globally. Democracy is being challenged, globally. Governments and media fuel a cycle of mistrust (Edelman Trust Barometer 2022 ). Abuse of power is rampant (see my post on power).

I got curious about the distinction between polarization and duality.

Polarization is a division into two sharply contrasting groups or sets of opinions or beliefs.

Duality is an instance of opposition between two concepts, a dualism.

In truth, there is only oneness. Polarization and duality, in my view, are the same concept.

Here are some examples:

• Good vs. evil
• North Pole vs. South Pole
• Blue vs. red voters
• Day vs. night
• Men vs. women

Yes. These are different ends, on a continuum. And they are on the same continuum. The north and south poles are both parts of our planet. Our ONE planet. They are polar opposites and yet part of the one. Blue vs. red voters are all humans. Men and women are also all humans. Different, and the same. I loved reading this book with my kids when they were little. We do that. Many of us believe that when we read such books. And then our actions speak otherwise. Including myself.

How about good and evil? You may ask: "surely the concept of oneness doesn't apply". I say it does. It's simply about our perspective. Here's the example I promised...

In the epic story of the Ramayan , the story we grow up with in India makes Ravan the eternal evil one, the bad guy. And in Sri Lanka, Ravan is the hero. He's the God. Good according to one group, and evil according to another. Both one Ravan.

What is often ignored is a pivotal moment in final battle where Ram kills Ravan. Ravan says to Ram (I'm paraphrasing): "Thank you my Lord. I incarnated in this life so I may die by your hands." So if you go deeper on that - Ravan created the "drama" of this epic, as a story plot toward this goal.

Let me be clear. Violence (physical or psychological/emotional) is not the way to express our differences. In our 'real' world (non-epic, non-fiction world) - killing someone or being killed by them as part of "karma" is not justified. Non-violence is the way (thank you Mahatma Gandhi). And you may say that's dualism. To me, that's a choice. The oneness is in an intention and relentless integrity of the impact - that I believe is "treat others the way they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated." From that place, violence is a choice. Yes it's an evil act. Done by the same person who can do good. On a continuum that we all sit on. One continuum. One person at a time.

Taking sides is a choice. Being objective and weighing the different points on a continuum is a choice. Being clear about your own core values and living by them is a choice.

Choice just is. Not right or wrong, for you. And there are consequences--to yourself and others impacted by your choices and actions. You decide how you define your own integrity. You decide if you can sleep with ease after speaking untruth, especially when you know it to be untrue.

There is another way from duality/polarization. It's a relentless pursuit of oneness. Of inclusion and belonging for ALL stakeholders - regardless of their beliefs. As Rumi said:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there."

Here are some suggested ways to walk the journey of meeting each other on the field (of oneness, not separation-not a battle field)...

Check Your Intent

Before venturing into a conversation that you know is likely polarized, check your intention within yourself. For anything other than "for the good of myself and the other" - stop. Don't proceed. Instead, journal what's coming up and blocking you from having that good intent for another fellow being--regardless of your polar views.

Honor Your Perspective And Put It Aside

A critical step in entering a conversation with someone you highly opposed views is to first honor your own perspective. It's the "right" way for you. Own that fully. And before you enter the conversation, let that part of you know you'll come back to it. No need to change your mind. Just set it aside so you can fully focus on understanding the other.

Lean in With Curiosity

Be like an anthropologist. Seek to understand. Put aside the desire to be understood. There will be time for that. Take a growth mindset (than you Carol Dweck ), and again, set aside your fixed perspective, just for this conversation. Feel free to pick it up again, later.

Simply Listen. With All Your Senses

Much is said about "active listening" these days. There are many learning and development courses on the subject. Yes. Follow those basics - put aside your agenda; listen to understand; play back what you have heard to check you understood the others intent... In addition, consider checking all your senses. What's happening with your breath? Is it shallow? Are you holding it back? What's happening with your eyes, where are you looking? What mind chatter is happening, despite your best intentions to listen with full attention? Are your hands hot or cold? What's your stomach doing? You get the idea. Check in with all parts of your being, not just your ears.

Give Thanks

Express genuine gratitude for the person who you have just heard. Share new insights and perspectives you had not considered. Thank them for their part in your learning journey, of self discovery. It's VERY likely you still disagree with what they have said. That's totally ok. But it's not time yet to share your perspective. Simply say "thank you."

Permission to Share Your Perspective

When you sense the person is truly complete (you've ask "what else?" at least 4-5 times), and you've thanked them--check if they are open to hearing your perspective. Don't take a "sure" as a "yes." They may need time. They may never be open. That's ok. Let it go.

Dialogue, Not Debate

If, and only if, they truly say yes to hearing your perspective, be fully your authentic self. Share your feelings, your judgements, and the data (hard facts no one can refute) to make your point. Avoid taking a debate posture. Stay true to your opening intent: "for the good of myself and the other." Only proceed if this is still true. Honor yourself if it's not. Often we are so trigured, we are not ready to go there. Perhaps never will be.

A side-note about debates--they suck. Yes it's a good "muscle" to build, to research and speak the opposite of your true beliefs and values. It has the advantage of "walking a mile in another shoes" as long as the intention is learning and growth. You can do that on your own, without getting nasty with another as most public/political debates go.

Explore the Cost of Not Going There

If you choose not to go there, to "keep your peace" by staying quiet - journal about that. Let it all out. Speak your truth, to yourself. This is a private exercise. Use any and all language. Don't share it with anyone.

After you do that, ask yourself: What's the cost of holding this back, for me? And then, for my relationship with the other?

If you can honestly come back to the intent "for the good of myself and the other" - then reconsider having the dialogue. If not, that's ok. Let it go.

Oneness is Not Sameness

To clarify, a continuum allows all perspectives to co-exist. Oneness is not about having the same point of view. I often say--let's reframe "like-minded" to "like-hearted." Through our "heart brains," we are all connected AND we are all different. Let's honor that field, that continuum.

What's next?

The days of "there's no place for discussing politics in the workplace" are long gone. Polarization is always present, like it or not. As Carl Jung coined the term "shadow" - those things we hide, suppress, and deny - they only come back to haunt us eventually. Be brave. Be kind to yourself and others to go to places that are beyond your comfort zone, but not in your panic zone - your brave zone. Have the conversations. Get messy, with respect, and take full responsibility for your words, actions, and impact on others, as you navigate topics of polarity. Don't go back to sleep.

In the end, seek a relentless pursuit of oneness as our survival depends on it.

Remember, we are all on a Hero's Journey. Know where you are on that journey, as the cycle continues. Know that you can choose to do that journey with others. You can choose oneness, over separation. It takes courage to stand for oneness and to meet people on the field between right and wrong. Let's do this together!