Mediation is Hard!

Mediation is Hard!

Each week,?The Economist?prints an opinion article in its business section entitled “Bartleby”. Its January 19, 2023 piece is entitled “Why pointing fingers is unhelpful”. Its thesis is that while it is easy and quite tempting to point fingers and blame someone, it is not really helpful. In the words of the author, blaming is “corrosive” and “saps team cohesion.” (Id.) “It makes it less likely that people will own up to mistakes, and thus less likely that organisations can learn from them.” (Id.)

The article then discusses?how certain industries such as aviation and health care have learned how much better it is “… not to assign blame or liability but to find out what went wrong and to issue recommendations to avoid a repeat.” (Id.)

But it notes that moving away from simply blaming someone or something does pose two problems: First, it requires a lot of effort. “Blame is cheap and fast.” (Id.)?While it takes only a second to point the finger and blame Mr. X, it takes a lot longer to investigate, document, figure out what went wrong and why and then introduce the needed changes. (Id.)

The second problem is the boss: “People with power are particularly prone to point fingers.” (Id.)??The article cites a recent study that found that “… people who are in positions of authority are more likely to assume others have choices and to blame them for failures. “(Id.)

To determine this,?academics from the University of California, San Diego and Nanyang Technological University in Singapore randomly assigned people to the role of either supervisor or worker and then showed them an error filled transcript of an audio recording??along with an apology from the?transcriber saying it was due to an unstable internet connection.?They found that the “supervisor” was much quicker to blame the transcriber and withhold payment than the “worker.” (Id.)

Other researchers found that blaming is contagious. If one person, let’s say the boss, starts playing the blame game, others within the organization will do so as well. However, if the boss accepts responsibility for the error, this mentality will filter down stream. (Id.)

Reading this article reminded me of mediation: parties come in and play the blame game, otherwise known as distributive bargaining: “You are fault, I am not, so I win, and you lose.”?But, moving away from this mindset (like moving away from the blame game) is hard. It requires that the parties attend to the needs and interests of?each other by trying to get to the bottom of what happened and then working together to come up with a way to “fix” it. That is, it requires collaboration and a lot of active listening.?Most likely, the dispute was created by a lot of miscommunications, lack of communication, and assumptions. Perceptions were off. To figure out where the dispute “went off the rails”, the parties will have to really talk and listen to each other to understand each other’s perception of the” problem” and then work together to figure a way forward that meets both of their needs and interests. It is hard work but will be much more rewarding than playing the “blame game.”

… Just something to think about.

Many Different Ways to Say the Same Thing!

As I have previously mentioned, I am in a book club which reads and discusses?books about conflict resolution. The latest is?Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension?by Hesha Abrams (Berrett-Kochler Publishers, Inc., Oakland, Ca. 2022.)

The first question one asks is what is meant by “Holding the Calm? The author??explains:

The calm is the place where you feel heard, understood, valued, and safe to make resolution possible. Holding involves creating and sustaining the space for the calm.”

Holding the Calm is an active yet simple way to create space for possibilities, drain the swamp of toxic emotions, fully let someone be seen and heard, and defuse tension so solutions can be found.?(Id. at 3.)

?In short, it is active listening, being empathetic, exploring?the needs and interests of each party involved (aka problem solving or integrative bargaining) and coming up with one or more options/solutions that will be satisfactory. It is “win-win” negotiation.

“Holding the Calm” is simply a basic course in integrative negotiation or problem solving (win-win) negotiation. While Ms. Abrams uses the term “Holding the?Calm”, others?will use different labels to present the same?points.

In the ensuing chapters, Ms. Abrams?discusses the various issues that will help one succeed in integrative bargaining. For example, in Chapter 2, she discusses the need for validation: when someone tells her story, she needs “to?feel heard, be listened to,?be valued, be understood.” (Id. at 27.)??She makes the important point that one can acknowledge without agreeing.?One can respond by saying that she understands what the other party is saying but does not necessarily agree. And she points out that if a party feels validated, she is liable to reciprocate by listening to you. (Id. at 27.)

One point that Ms. Abrams makes concerns the ambiguity of words.?In response to a question, someone might say, “Almost “, or?“Never” or “Always”?or “Rarely”?or “A Lot.” While at face value, the questioner thinks she understands the answer, Ms. Abrams suggests we take it a step further and ask – in terms of percentages- exactly what the person means by “Always.”?While we might think it means 100%, someone else might think it means 75%.??Similarly, when someone says “Never”, we tend to think it means 0%. But, if we ask, we may well learn that the meaning is 20%. (Id.?at 31.)

This brings up two important points: how easy it is to miscommunicate or wrongly interpret what someone is saying and why it is always important to keep asking questions and to learn “why”. We can not assume that we know; our assumptions are wrong more times than they are right.

In the next chapter-chapter 4- Ms. Abrams makes the crucial point of the importance of listening- not only to what is being said but to what is NOT being said. (Id. at 37.)?Critical to resolving any dispute is that the parties need to feel heard, and understood. (Id?at 37.)?And sometimes the silence (Chapter 5) can be deafening. As I have noted in previous blogs-people are uncomfortable with silence and will say something (often their most innermost and honest thoughts) to fill the space.(Id. at 39-44.) One can gain a lot of information simply by staying silent.

The subsequent chapters?discuss emotions which are always present in any conflict and the importance of an apology,?the us vs them or tribal mentality, allowing the other party to save face or to not lose and looking for commonalities or needs and interests that the parties have in common. (?Id. at Chapters 6-11 at pp. 45-93.)

As noted in my blog of last week, Ms. Abrams notes that there is no point in playing the blame game. It is best to avoid it and to simply work together to figure out what happened and how to fix it .(Id. at 103-106.) Ms. Abrams then discusses a topic that I have sometime found lacking in mediations: civility and politeness.?“Politeness matters. “(Id.?at 107.)?Or, to state the well known adage: separate the problem from the people. Be hard on the problem but soft on the people.” (See: Fisher, Roger, and Ury, William,?Getting To Yes??(Penguin Books, New York, New York, 1991) at 17-39.)

Perhaps the best chapter is the Conclusion in which the author sums up?her advice in 20 suggestions. They include; “Speak into the ears that hear you”, “Clarify generalities like?always?or?never?“, “Allow?the magic of silence to work”, Do not be afraid of high emotions; see them as an opportunity to diagnose”, “See problems as solutions waiting to be found”, “Find the self-interest’,… “ Understand that not losing may be more important than winning….” ,” Seek?creative solutions” , Use plural?we?words to avoid the us-versus- them mentality”, “…Avoid the blame game”, and “ Understand that politeness and civility matter”, …..(Id. at 152-153.)

For those new or novices in negotiation, the book (in 154 pages) highlights how to negotiate successfully. For those experienced in negotiation, it provides a good quick refresher on some of the simpler points that sometimes are forgotten.

…. Just something to think about.

P.S. Hesha Abrams has twice been a guest on Will Work For Food - The New Possibilities Hour and her videos on Holding the calm can be seen at: