Mediating Loss. "Michael's" Story.

As a mediator with over 25 years of working with people, there is little not seen or experienced in terms of conflict.

Conflict takes all shapes and sizes. I have worked with people who have lost loved ones through murder, suicide, parental alienation, death, separation and divorce, workplace bullying, gender-based violence, money, possessions, and pets (etc.)

“Lost” means many things to people. Lost through loss of life, and loss as broken and ended. Loss losing something, someone, part of ourselves.

?When a relationship ends, through separation/divorce/conflict, the grief felt is for some comparable to the loss experienced through death. We also know that people may be delighted about the loss of relationships, but these emotions are complex as it is intermingled with guilt (for being relieved and happy). We are complex beings, humans with many emotions and responses.

Last week we talked about Peggi. ?This week I want to write about “Michael’s” story. (Michael is a fictitious character, this is for illustration purposes only. Names and details have been changed.)

At the stage, where Michael attended my private service for mediation, he had been married to his partner for 32 years. He is still a young man as the couple had married on their 20th birthdays. They have three children, now all adulting in various positions. Michael works a variety of jobs to provide for his family, and this allowed his partner to work at home caring for their children. This was the normal thing at the time he says. The family home is owned outright as is the 10 acres of land that is rented to the local sheep farmer. Michael made the initial call for mediation. As with the process of mediation both people need to contact me separately to independently inform me that they are willing to attend mediation. Both did, and so we could proceed. During the individual meeting of the day, I could see that Michael appeared uncomfortable and anxious. He was unable to make or sustain eye contact, he appeared anxious and upset. I checked this with him and reassured him that being anxious was natural and that I would do my best to support him.

Michael started to cry, softly at first, and then became inconsolable. During this time, I sat with Michael, offering tissues and silence by way of comfort. At this moment there was nothing to be said. After some time, Michael began to calm, began apologising profusely, and then cursing at himself, referring to himself as a “f****ng idiot, a sad small man, weak, pathetic”. The anger in his voice towards himself triggered some questions for me. Again, I simply noted what Michael had said, and gently asked about the names. He began speaking about loss. Loss of his life, loss of his spark, loss of his dreams and hopes for his future (which was now his past) Loss of his 20s, 30’s, and 40’s. Loss of his dignity, his self-worth, and self-esteem. Loss of the hope of being a good enough parent, loss of relationships between his children and himself. Loss of his identity.

During the screening for domestic abuse issues, no issues arose. However, they arose that day in the mediation room. Michael disclosed that he had been emotionally, psychologically, and sexually ridiculed and mocked throughout his married life. He felt he could never tell anyone because he was in fear. Fear of being mocked by his friends, family, community, and services. He was in fear he would lose his children, as back then he recounted fathers didn’t have the right to raise children by themselves (unless widowed). He was in fear of completely losing his sanity, and at times in fear of losing his life by his own hand. The phone call I received on that day was the first step in Michael’s self-determination.

?Once all the safety checks were re-examined with both parties, an agreement was mediated, and a settlement was reached. As Michael and his family begin to look at their losses, with significant other professional support, he reports that he is beginning to be softer and kinder to himself. He is mediating with himself on a daily basis for the first time in over 32 years to reach his own outcomes.?

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