Measure of a Man… or a Mom

This week, I planned to share a funny story about my visit years ago to the place now featured in Tiger King. That will have to wait. Instead, my thoughts have been drawn to often-overlooked complications of life under pressure. I’ve been thinking about a quote from the movie A Knight's Tale: “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.” 

We spent the 10 days leading up to the furlough announcement by calling 1900 hotel customers to work with them through the crisis. They all handled the current pressure differently. The variety in tone we received was striking. I received thank you cards from some small hotel owners who appreciated the partnership from a company as small as ours. Other large, public companies, felt it appropriate to make thinly veiled threats for not doing more. I took many deep breaths (which is harder when it actually hurts to breathe) and chose to answer with measured responses instead of the quick, defensive strikes that would have taken much less energy. I am not known for my patience or filter, but somehow the reality of my family’s medical safety allowed me to sit back and realize all people do not handle pressure well. 

I then hosted one of the most difficult conversations of my career on Webex: announcing our corporate survival strategy. I led this team through 9-11 and the Great Recession, but we were always face-to-face. This time, I sat in front of the video conference camera built into my computer and told the company what our plan was. I read the names and status of each team member aloud and was unable to get through it without tears streaming down my face.

I was still sick, unable to get tested, and without an ounce of extra energy to pretend to be anyone but myself. As a speaker, I am no Arne Sorenson, with quiet strength and graceful tears to show how much I care. I am a messy crier. My eyes do not "shine with hope and feelings;" they get red and puffy, and my nose drips, so… epic HOT MESS, but without the hot, add extra wet to the mess. This was not the calm pillar of strength and hope I had planned to portray to the team. I shared the reality of our industry, our company, and that we were determined to work hard, find new income streams, to bring as many of our team back as soon as possible.

These are difficult times, and it seems as though every day is a hard day – another day where things aren’t going the way we want them to. It’s so easy to forget, with the weight we adults are facing, that we’re not the only ones feeling the strain. Our children are experiencing loss and fear. Their lives have been changed in a real way. Our days are not more important than theirs, and our trials are not harder. My stepson has lost the freedom of driving his own car, the senior prom, and graduation. My daughter misses seeing her friends every day and deals with the frustrations of sibling rivalry 24/7. My youngest fears for the safety of her grandparents. These are very real things.

With all these emotions living under one roof with no filters, brakes, or stops, frustrations are sure to build within every family unit. Will your child remember the wonderful time when they had extra hours with you, or will they remember harsh hands or even more damaging harsh words when they were the punching bag for adults who struggled to hold up the day’s uncertainty?

Viruses are not the only thing that spreads from person to person.

I am a survivor of family violence. Years ago, my life was weighed, measured, and found wanting. I am one of the lucky ones who escaped. That may be partly why this issue sticks out to me. It hurts me in a deeply personal way to know that across the country, family violence is at an all-time high. Family members who are abused at home now have no ability to leave, limited communications with support services, or even access to safe friends and family.

We all have the choice to be our best selves and help those around us, to offer grace when others do not have their best day. When I am measured at the end of each day, how will I stack up? Did I offer grace to each person I interacted with, even the people who are reacting badly to this pressure? Am I helping or hurting, not just my own children, but those children in my orbit by how I treat their adults?

Looking back on the day of the furlough announcement, I know there is no one to blame for the jobs lost. My employees did nothing wrong. We as a company did nothing wrong. I was certainly measured by my team, and my tears authentically shed did not wash away the respect of my team or their commitment to each other. I was told by many that it made them feel important and cared for, instead of being treated as a number on a spreadsheet. I wasn’t measured against perfection; I was weighed for vulnerability and authenticity. Brené Brown would be proud. 

This is where being a mom helps me be a better CEO. Once I had children, my frame of reference about what was important shifted dramatically. Everyone must choose. No matter how hard your day, choose to behave in a way you are proud of. Everyone is facing uncertainty and feeling vulnerable. Give grace to the people who interact with you throughout the day, even when they do not handle themselves well.

My life is by no means perfect, but now I have a rock star for a husband. Not just a rock star husband, father, telecom CTO, but a real rock star. And guess what he can’t do right now? Give concerts. But instead of moping about, he is building handmade electric guitars, helping me make music. He is melting my heart when I see a mini workbench for my daughters in his workshop, or him outside teaching my daughter to catch a softball, or telling dumb “Dad jokes” at dinner. He is not criticizing me or using my inability to reach perfection as a step stool to build himself up. I live in a different world now. We have been blessed. This man and his support of our family is shaping how my children view the world, how they will handle adversity in the future, and who they choose to be, and how they deserve to be treated.

Each one of us will be measured in this time of crisis. Each one of us is being weighed and evaluated by our children and families at home as well as the people we work with. The narrow lens of Zoom or Webex does not mean we are not being watched; it means our actions and our words are under a microscope now more than ever before. We are being weighed, we are being measured, let’s not be found wanting. What is the measure of this Man…or this Mom?

I promise next week, I will tell a funny story. I have empirical proof that Netflix is a superpower. And I have pictures of me and my small child on the couch of the Tiger King… Unless you would rather hear the story of the single mom (me) who was on a conference call while the house was glitter bombed by the 5-year-old, including gluing glitter to the bottom of her 3-year-old sister. Truly. Let me know which one you’d like to hear first.

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