Mean Girls in Sports

In the last year, there have been several articles and media posts surrounding girls’ confidence in sports.? Even a national brand spent millions of dollars on a 2024 Super Bowl commercial showing the statistics of girl’s body image affecting their ability to stay in sports.? Obviously, there is research to support this message, but as someone whose coached young girls in sports for over 20 years, I believe there is another epidemic plaguing girls in sports…mean girls.

Thanks to a movie called Mean Girls (which now has a second installment), a deeper conversation began with parents and their daughters.? Yet, despite this observation, the current statistic supported by a book titled, The Confidence Code for Girls, states “mean girls start in 3rd grade.”? Therefore, the typical high school/middle school scenarios we see on television are still happening, but the depth of its effects start as young as 8 years old.

If you are a coach of this age group, and moving forward through middle school and high school, it is very important to be aware of the warning signs.? The number of girls who quit sports because they felt uncomfortable around their peers is a problem we can address.? Your role as a coach is to provide a challenging, positive environment for girls to thrive.? What I feel most coaches don’t understand is that there are different types of mean girls; furthermore, how you handle each one varies.?

To help with your role as an inspirational coach balancing fun and competition, take a look at three different types of mean girls who may potentially harm your team:

#1 Status Mean Girl:? this one is tricky.? Typically, this girl used to be the “big girl on campus.”? Chances are she is one of the best players, and her parents support that vision.? She bases her worth on that ability, so when another girl joins the team who challenges this status, it shows up in unique ways.? She may “go after” this girl in practice with tough tackles, yell at her during games claiming to be “a leader,” and many other subtle things you might miss.?

• Tip #1: This one is probably the most difficult mean girl to fix because she is very unassuming in her attempts to show her strength.? Unfortunately, her parents typically support her efforts and will probably get defensive if you state their daughter is a “mean girl.” Why wouldn’t a coach want a girl who goes in hard on tackles to make her teammates better?? Why wouldn’t a coach want a girl who directs her team and shows leadership??
• Tip #2: When handling this “status mean girl”, approach all coaching points to the entire team…do not call her out.?
• Tip #3: Educate them on the difference between “leading” and “being bossy.”? I find most girls who yell instruction aren’t backing it up with their own efforts.? That is a place for a coach to step in and demand the same level of energy.? Leaders don’t yell instructions, but instead lead into battle with their efforts and others follow.
• Educate them on the difference between going “at a player” versus “defending a player” is very different.? Approach it as if they need to understand the power of a yellow/red card, and how it doesn’t help the team succeed.? It isn’t a personal vendetta, but a long-term goal to win the game.

#2 Insecurity Mean Girl:? deep down inside, this girl knows she isn’t as good as everyone else.? She is the “popular” girl, and usually starts, but she isn’t the top player.? She is friends with the top player, so her status rises because of that relationship.? In school, this girl is definitely more popular. She is also a bit sneaky. Her comments are a bit more hidden by making fun of what the girl wears, or what the girl says, and demeaning her indirectly.? They may even say things underneath their breath.

• Tip #1: You can SQUASH this right away because she cares more about her status than anything else.? I’ve gone straight to the source and told the parent, confronted the girl, and let them know they have no place on a team if they are going to treat their teammates like that.? Usually, the coach has to hear it, so they can make an adjustment.? If another girl tattles, then it could be a question of who is telling the truth.? I’ve had to tell girls, “It’s not your place to yell instructions at your teammates.”? Also, calling her out for being unkind is a simple, swift comment.? I’ve squashed the “sticking out the tongue” kids by simply stating how unkind it was toward a teammate.
• Tip #2: I’ve also encouraged team-bonding to help with this problem.? Doing things outside of the sport sometimes helps bridge the gap.? Whether it’s a pizza party or other activity, find ways to bring the accused and accuser together through fun comradery.

#3 Pseudo Mean Girl:? I can relate to this type of false mean girl. I was a very competitive person and demanded others love the game as much as I did.? When you are that competitive, you can get easily frustrated.? When that happens, you may roll your eyes, show frustration in your body language, and shutdown.?? Other girls label you a “mean girl” because you aren’t warm and fuzzy when it comes to working hard.? Most my career I was surrounded by athletes who wanted it as bad as I did.? The “fun” was winning and challenging myself to be the best I could be.? Unfortunately, I couldn’t relate to the girls who “just wanted to have fun.”? However, managing emotions is a life skill, and it helps to be aware of how you might be coming across toward others.

I’ve seen girls like this in the developmental years.? A bigger gap starts to show in ability, and the transition from small-sided games to full-field/court becomes a bit more obvious.? The girl who wants to “have fun” is much different than the girl who “wants to play at a higher level.”? I say “pseudo” mean girl because I don’t think they are intentionally trying to be mean or make another girl feel less-than, but instead value things differently and need to be surrounded by girls with similar values

• ?Tip #1: As parents and coaches, you need to spot this girl as quickly as possible.? The minute she wants more, you have to put her in a more challenging environment.? I’m not saying to leave a team mid-season (don’t get me started on that conversation), but give her hope there is more to look forward to at higher levels.? Also, challenge her individually with certain skills where she can focus on herself instead of what her teammates aren’t doing.
• Tip #2: Mid-season moment...when you do find out she is getting frustrated, as a coach you have to discuss the importance of “team” versus “individual” contributions.? Explaining how much better these girls will play if they know you have their back, is important.? There is a difference between making someone feel supported versus making someone feel guilty.? I’m not saying she can’t be frustrated, but can she be aware of her emotional response to the situation and work on the long-term goal of being a good teammate.

For more tips and insight to help girls thrive in sports, follow #girlssportsacademy