Mean Girls

I was trying to be the Cool Uncle at our 2004 family reunion. During the Saturday afternoon “downtime”, I gathered all the nieces and nephews and took them to the theatre to watch Lindsay Lohan and company. While I did score brownie points with the pre-teens, not all the conservative parents were super happy. We still joke about it today… “who wants to go to the movies with Uncle Ed???” All adults today in vibrant careers, I think everyone in our family can relate to the finer points of Tina Fey’s screenplay.

We know mean girls grow into mean women. Mean boys grow into mean men. While many grow out of this behavior as they mature, there are still a good many individuals who continue this kind of behavior into adulthood. The workplace now becomes the school campus equivalent. I don’t think most mean people are this way by nature, and there were triggers and influences that perhaps unwittingly led them down this meanie path. You will find these mean behaviors in social settings as well and very identifiable in civic and professional associations. Who’s in? Who’s out? Feelings of jealousy and insecurity accelerate meanies. Spread rumors? Gossip? It is reminiscent of gang behavior. Bullies. Toxic. Sad. Unbecoming.

I am no psychologist. I only speak from experience, observation and talking with people around the world. My interpretation and advice are based on learning things the hard way, sometimes as a meanie myself.

Make sure you are not a meanie. This takes intense self-evaluation. I suspect overtly mean people know they are mean and intentionally seek to inflict pain and take pleasure from its success. The rest of us may have trouble self-identifying, but I do have a couple ideas how to challenge yourself and discover.

You may be a Meanie if:

1. You think this article is about you (she is out to get me...)
2. You feel guilt or remorse for how you treat some people (maybe I am a little harsh...)
3. You find yourself obsessing about a specific person or group of persons (I can’t believe they are doing that...)
4. You find jealousy and rage in your heart (Why did they choose her...)
5. You seek to get others to join you and support your prejudice (don’t spend time with him or her...)
6. You seek to belittle others (I can’t believe you do this...)
7. You try to shame others (everyone is talking about you...)
8. You threaten others (if you don’t do what I say, I will do this to you...)

What to do if you are a Meanie:

1. Apologize. When I had my first self-revelation, I wrote down the names of the people I was mean to. I tracked them down and said I am sorry. I felt remorse and it was important that I made amends and let them know that they were good people and the problem was me.
2. Get Help. You can always see a counselor or confide in a friend who will hold you accountable. It helped me.
3. Gut Check. Before you throw someone down, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself the motivation behind the pending decision. Hard to do but worth the effort.
4. Root Cause Analysis. This may require a counselor. Try to dig deeper into the issue. Perhaps there was a hurt caused to you. Perhaps some unforgiveness. Possibly anger management issues. Until you identify the pain and fix it, meanie behaviors may continue.
5. Remove Rot. If you are in a clique that breeds meanies, get out. Better to loose a few friends and prestige than forfeit your soul. Think long-term.

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How to respond to a Meanie:

1. Love. Took me a bit of time to figure it out but I stop responding directly and just love on them.
2. Evidence. Authenticity typically wins, so just be you. Others will figure it out. Even if they don't, it is the right thing.
3. Move On. Sometimes you cut your losses and move on and spend your energy with those with shared values.
4. Be You. Do not sacrifice your values and try to appease and fit in. Don’t become a meanie by assimilation. The yearning to belong can overpower the will to do what is right. This is a really hard one.
5. For Leaders. Part of your role is to protect those under your charge. Keep a keen eye for meanies and confront them. They will sow havoc and disrupt your workplace despite best culture initiatives.

The best antidote? Live by example. Lead with kindness. Avoid cliques. Create safe environments at home and work. Forgive. Love. Repeat.