Me, Myself, & Rest

Recently, I came across a poem about Rest penned by Emily Feret. The poem wasn't only about rest; rather, it highlighted the importance of rest for "mom-ing" and caregiving identities. The prose was beautiful, and I enthusiastically cheered each sentence as I read it.

While the poem got me thinking about how I embrace, role model, and champion rest, especially as a working mom, it also reminded me of the juxtaposition of a statement I once heard in passing: "Rest is for the privileged."

Before I unpack the latter, I want to share how I embrace and practice rest for my own health and wellness and also with the intentionality of wanting to set an example for my children. For example, when people ask me for parenting advice (which, at first reaction, I'm always thinking... "Are you sure you want advice from ME???"), my rapid response is always to, "Live and parent in 3D." Period.

Often, it takes kiddos many, many years to understand that their momma is not only a momma. Their momma is also a daughter, a friend, a partner, a spouse, an employee, a mistake-maker, a Christian, a dreamer, a writer, a reader, a traveler, a volunteer, an individual, and..... beautifully, a rester. All of these identities have needs, wants, interests, and colors that need to be tended to in order to remain vibrant. Thus, I don't shy away from my kiddos seeing me actively engaged in hobbies, immersed in a book or podcast, attempting a new skill, or boldly stating- without explanation- "Mommy is going to take a nap now. Do not disturb me." (If you are thinking, "But my kid(s) are small, I can't possibly do this! The only 3D I'm experiencing is in the form of diapers!" I see you. I hear you. I've been you. Trust me. Read on....)

To live and parent in 3D requires that my children actually bear witness to me in all of these identities. In practice, this can look like:

• Showing my kiddos progress I am making on a passion project and discussing the challenges and successes I've encountered along the way.
• Coaching them to ask me what I did at work today as part of our conversations about what they did at school.
• Talking about how I demonstrated friendship or allyship throughout my day when asking them how they did the same.
• Describing the importance of rest in my life, especially given my chronic health condition. Leaning into rest from this perspective builds empathy, humility, and their awareness of non-apparent health conditions.
• When possible, including them in my activities, even if those activities don't interest or center them. This practice harkens back to my own childhood experiences of accompanying my parents to their work meetings, where I often found myself quietly- albeit begrudgingly- tucked away in a corner. Although those moments may have seemed dull at the time, they taught me invaluable lessons in patience and respect. These experiences also challenged my natural tendency towards self-centeredness, a typical childhood trait that requires ongoing growth and development.

However, before we get too idealistic, can we also tussle with equity and accessibility of rest? Is it true that "Rest is for the privileged?" I think it is.

Depending on one's circumstances, not everyone has an expendable balance from which to withdraw rest, nor do they have compatible opportunities to live in 3D. For example, are you a caregiver? If so, what are the ages and needs of your kiddos? Are you caring for aging parents? Do you have a uniquely demanding work schedule- or multiple work schedules? What amount of support do you have to fulfill your daily demands? Do you have enough income to satisfy your daily living needs? Answers to these, and other questions debit and credit your rest income, for sure. In this case, you still deserve rest. You still deserve to live in 3D.

I encourage you to audit your life and find pockets of rest that are small, potentially financial no-cost, but are still impactful. For instance, can you:

• Wake up earlier to have 20 quiet minutes to yourself before the chaos of the day ensues?
• Can you go to bed earlier by leaving chores and tasks that you've been generationally conditioned to perform but that do not serve your mental health—and rest income—at all?
• Lean into some version of community to get a break from caregiving?
• Park further away from your daily entrance (work or otherwise) so that you get extra time in fresh air, extra steps, and more peace and quiet
• Take a longer route to work that allows you more time alone?
• Sit in your car for an extra 15 minutes before coming into the house?
• Set a quiet hour for your entire house where no one interacts with anyone, so resting is normalized?
• Do you have a lunch break that might also allow for a brief walk, an opportunity to journal, or to practice mindfulness?
• Schedule rest/3D time on your calendar so that you are more likely to do it?
• Join a gym that offers childcare and then leverage those childcare hours to rest in a locker room, a lounge, on a bench, or to take a long hot shower?
• Partake in rest, together? When my kiddos were younger and more dependent, I would host "rest, together" activities. I'd say, "Let's both read in silence!" or, "Let's watch a movie, but the challenge is that you can't talk until the end!" With my daughter, I engaged in rest, together time by pretending we were at a spa. She would do my makeup, nails, and massage, but we both agreed that it had to be super quiet and relaxing... you know... just like a real spa. She loved role-playing the different beauty and wellness roles! And I loved closing my eyes, slightly dozing, and waking up looking like a clown. With my son, rest, together time involves lots of ASMR videos. He loves watching them, and I love that it's a quiet activity we can engage in together.

Finally, rest and living in 3D requires community. We weren't created to do life alone. Therefore, if you have a more expendable rest income, seek to contribute to those around you by transferring some of that balance. Technology has made community support more accessible than ever before! For example, can you:

• Send a meal to an individual or a family you know would benefit from one less meal to prepare. Whether it's DoorDash, a family bundle meal from a local restaurant, a bag of groceries, or a homecooked meal dropped off, busy caregivers often need a break from routine obligations.
• Lean into someone's caregiving responsibilities? Often, people automatically assume "babysitting" here. It could be babysitting, but it could also mean paying for a babysitter, helping with transportation, or buying some age-appropriate games or craft kits that might occupy little ones for a while.
• Pay for a date night, which could include a date with a partner or a date with oneself.
• Most importantly, offer to pick them up, and just rest..... together