Me, My Mental Health, and I

You've probably heard by now: May was Mental Health Awareness Month.

For a while, it seemed like everyone and their cool influencer mom reminded me of this fact on nearly every social media platform and clothing/makeup/skincare ad I came across this past month. As someone who has dealt with my fair share of personal and intergenerational history of mental health challenges in recent years, this month past month (like every other year), I swung wildly between feeling compelled to embrace the timeliness of this trend by adding my own stories to the #mentalhealthmatters mix to crawling deep beneath my weighted knit blanket to escape the judgy side-eye of my inner self-critic.?

What could I have to say that would be of any importance to add to this conversation?

Does anyone even care what I have to say about this topic?

Do I have the energy to do this today when I could be doing X, Y, and Z today instead?

And, sadly, the list goes on and on.

Welcome to the inner life of a perpetually anxious and persistently depressed person! I’ll be here all night. Literally. As in, you can usually find me lying awake at 3:42 AM trying not to regret the extra pick-me-up drink or Netflix binge I had just hours before, desperately willing my restless mind to let go of all the things I can’t control so we can fortheloveofGod get some sleep to wake up at a reasonable time the next day and do it all over again.

The only thing for certain I can say about mental health is this:

It’s an individual journey for everyone. It’s sneaky and unpredictable. It’s irrational. It throws toddler-sized tantrums, kicking and screaming until you give in to its relentless and unreasonable demands. Often, it reassures everyone: “I’m doing OK.” “I’m fine.” “It’s all good." "We're good.” "Everything's great!" Especially when things are anything but.?

It perseveres. It slowly gets out of bed every day and roots around for its shoes in the early dark. Heck, today might be the day it might even finds a real pair of pants! Despite wanting to stay in bed all day, almost every day, and needing to cry never being able to pinpoint quite why. Instead, it smiles and giggles at everything for no good reason at all; slowly, it puts on its good face, masking the constant hurt and despair swirling around on inside you like a sad little dusty but oh-so-charming secondhand snow globe looking for its next temporary home.?

And, despite what the world says you should do to maintain your self-care and inner peace (bubble bath, wine, and/or face masks by candlelight, anyone?), the truth is that, yes, these things 100% feel amazing. Yet, they are designed to temporarily soothe our perennial aches and pains.

That is– the real healing takes place when you take the time to sit with your grief quietly and hold its hand while it wails uncontrollably. Or, to firmly hug your anger against your chest when all it wants to do is lash out at anything or anyone that dares to even breathe at it the wrong way. Recognizing, and holding space for, our mental health challenges is inherently uncomfortable and lonely because only we can take the time to tend to our own needs in the way that we truly need to smooth things over.

Anyone who has dealt with mental health issues knows intimately that the process involves both showing up for yourself and being brave while also facing some incredibly hard truths. Like:?

Today, I need to take a shower because I smell.?

I have to go to work today so I can pay my bills and eat and not be evicted.?

Wow, I am really self-destructive whenever my deepest childhood trauma or inner wounds are triggered.?

I am not okay right now but it’s going to be okay because this is all temporary.?

For those who are fortunate enough to not know this pain, screw the month of May! Please be an ally to the people you love who are dealing with these issues daily by celebrating every day like it is mental health awareness day. Normalizing this process can go a long way in helping someone feel like they belong in this world and are right where they are supposed to be.

For those of us who know better, please don’t forget that every small win is a giant leap of progress forward toward inhabiting the life we deserve and want so deeply to have but that often feels just out of reach. One day, you will receive the happiness you seek. Until then, I’ll be here right along with you, feeling all the feels while trying not to forget to take my meds and breathe into the pain, drink enough water, rest, and resist.