THIS IS ME

I rarely write about my experience with mental ill-health in this way, I have spoken about it to a degree and I am very open but there’s something about setting this out in writing that’s really struck a chord with me. Here we go….

In January 2017 I suffered a mental breakdown, or as I now see this – a mental breakthrough.

For most of my life, I have experienced anxiety (I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder) with panic attacks and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) but have managed to cope with a combination of different therapies and various medications. I wasn’t diagnosed until I left uni and to be honest I just thought I was a bit weird, a bit different as I didn’t recognise the symptoms in myself for a long time I just thought that was a normal way to be.

In January 2017, due to a build-up and combination of life events, work issues and feeling completely overwhelmed in every aspect of my life, my ability to cope lessened to the extent I started to experience a serious decline in my mental health, whilst working as a solicitor full time. 

My medication and therapy didn’t seem to work anymore; I just couldn’t cope.  It was awful, I felt like I was a failure. I ended up being unable to work due to the crippling effects of anxiety and for the first time in my life took a significant amount of time off work. 

I felt so guilty for being off, I was full of shame.

I was very unwell, but even then didn’t fully appreciate it and just wanted to get back to work. 

It was a constant battle, I couldn’t leave the house at times; l was incredibly emotional, breaking into tears at the smallest thing, experiencing panic attacks almost every day, my body physically shaking and unable to sleep and I lost my motivation to exercise [which are two of the most important things to protect to stay mentally healthy.

Once a driven ambitious confident “bubbly” lawyer, but now I felt worthless and that there was no point in me being here; I felt a failure and that I had let everyone down at work by not being in; I was in an extremely dark place that I had never been in before. 

I truly thought the world would be better without me in it.  I didn’t want to continue with that life.

Looking back, I actually didn’t realise how bad it was until I was out of it.  Whilst it was awful at the time only looking back can I truly appreciate the impact and much of the memory is blurred as it was so traumatic and my memory has faded as a result.

I wanted to share this with you because often all that we see on social media is highlights and what we don’t see is the journey people had to go on to get to where they are now. I want to tell you my journey and why I set Thrive up and why I am so passionate about mental health in the workplace.

In January 2017 I started what became my “breakthrough”, I was off work for quite a long time. Eventually, I decided to leave my job. It was a scary time as I had a house, mortgage and bills to pay, but I unable to cope with basic tasks and the guilt of not going into work was overwhelming I just had to leave so I could focus on getting better. 

From April onwards I restarted my journey of therapy (this time I did CBT again but I have done loads of therapies – that’s for another blog) and through this, I realised that working and helping people through my work as a solicitor was one of the ways that would assist my recovery. 

So, in May 2017 I set myself up as a consultant solicitor (this basically means I was self-employed and worked for a few law firms but from home rather than being employed full time) I had full control and autonomy. I could pick my work, choose my clients to choose the hours I wanted to work and work from home giving me the flexibility and ownership over my work which I soon began to love again. The result of my rewarding work and flexible working environment saw my recovery speed up. I soon had a full caseload working for a couple of law firms all working from home and the hours I needed to.  I still had bad days so this was perfect as it meant I could work later or earlier and around my mental health without feeling bad or judged, as you would in an office environment. 

The fire in my belly started to flare up again, reminding me why I originally wanted to be a solicitor – that burning desire to help people. I thought to myself if I can support people and if people are more educated in mental illness and how to manage them in the workplace then I could help others avoid experiencing what I went through – if I can touch one person; if I can educate one employer…..

I have always worked closely with mental health charities, I offer pro bono support and with my experience as an employment and discrimination solicitor, advising on the law in that area, having the lived experience and perspective, it opened my eyes on different ways of doing things. 

I decided I couldn’t really do what I wanted to do without my own brand and identity. Working as a consultant you are in the background of a couple of firms, so you don’t have a brand as such. In fact, you are kind of invisible which worked at the time, whilst I was trying to recover. It allowed me to be flexible, to work at my pace. Something which law firms simply don’t offer if you are employed full time. 

But I needed to take it to the next level. I needed to do more. 

I felt I had now found a purpose and was at this point I decided to start my own law firm. This was all in the same year as my breakdown – typing this I am actually thinking, was I mad?

My sick leave started in January 2017, I left work in April, started the consultancy in May and by Autumn I started the process of setting up my firm.  There were times when I felt I couldn’t continue, but I kept going. 

I had no savings and had never run a business let alone run a law firm but I wanted to create something different, somewhere people are at the top of the agenda and where people can genuinely be them true selves regardless of backgrounds sexuality, race, age, etc. and most importantly with their mental health. 

To set up my firm I had to approach the Solicitors Regulation Authority (this is the regulatory body to be a regulated law firm and they have to approve you to set up through a long application process). 

I had lots of negative thoughts, doubting myself, which were overwhelming me so much that I almost didn’t do it so many times. I was really fortunate to have a good friend who was able to step in and support with the process, having done it herself a few years before. 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing – looking back I realise that at the time I wasn’t quite ready as I was coming down from my medication and still learning to cope with my new normal and managing my mental health which still fluctuated massively. 

I decided to book a 2 week holiday to help me fully come off my medication and to have a proper break at Christmas and I knew I would not have any work then as it’s our quietest time so it seemed the perfect time to switch off.

It was a challenging time with reducing my medication, increase in work and the application process to the SRA. By the end of it, I was relieved to get the application sent off. 

I went on my holiday for Christmas. I stopped taking my medication on Christmas Eve and the same day received an email from the SRA saying ‘Congratulations your application has been successful’ or words to that effect – I HAD A LAW FIRM!! I couldn’t believe it 

What had started out as the worst year of my life ended up being one of the best. 

It shows nothing is permanent and things can change. You can get better and learn to live with mental ill-health. You can thrive.

Now, I had the regulatory part of Thrive Law set up, I had to go through the process of setting it up as a company and thinking about the branding and website, insurance – everything! This was so exciting!

I wanted mental health to be at the heart of everything that we did, part of the culture and foundations and that’s why I called it Thrive Law. I wanted everyone to thrive in the workplace, in a law firm, which is unheard of due to the competitive nature many firms require more than 15 hours a day and crazy billable hours target – I would make sure I protected staff that worked for me from these outdated and damaging practices.

Thrive Law was born on 1 March 2018. 

It’s been a rollercoaster, it’s not been easy, with moments where I’ve nearly given up or not wanted to get out of bed, but my ‘why’ has kept me going and given me a sense of purpose. Through Thrive I have helped thousands of people who could have been in a position that I’ve been in or almost there and we’ve helped them get out of those situations, and see them receiving settlements to give them time to heal then secure new roles in better-suited environments.

I now have a Thrive Tribe of ten with a Leeds and London office! Check out what we are about on www.thrivelaw.co.uk – I have huge plans to scale over the next 5 years and step up my public speaking globally on this topic in Prague on 21st Septemeber, sharing my journey to helps others.

I want to repeat my message from Mental health awareness week

Be kind to you. 

Be kind to your family and friends. 

Be kind to those around you. Kindness is everything to me. 

I still criticise myself now, (more than I should) and it’s acknowledging those negative self-beliefs when they creep into your head and changing that mindset and thought process that really keeps us mentally healthy. 

If we’re kind to others, it helps our recovery process and part of the cycle, but it also helps others in their journey – we really never know what someone is going through and by being kind you can have such a profound impact. 

Small acts of kindness go a long way. It’s always the little things that make a difference with your mental health. 

We ALL have mental health. Let’s help each other to keep mentally healthy and not to decline into mental ill-health. It can impact on anyone at any time and right now it is really difficult for people. 

Mental health doesn’t discriminate. 

We need more leaders to share their stories don’t you think?

Over the next few weeks, as we lead up to the launch of This Is Me Yorkshire, we will be virtually launching a podcast, sharing content online and inviting you all to a free event where you will hear others #ThisIsMe stories and hear what's going on here in Yorkshire when it comes to mental health. I am so proud to be chairing and leading this launch please comment below if you want to come and I will send you the link to join us.

Keep 23rd October free for the This Is Me Yorkshire Virtual Launch. 

You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram and find me sharing more details of anxiety, panic attacks and my coping techniques on YouTube. 

Follow the link below to my YouTube channel.