ME - 2019

My story is one that many people may not expect. For when you see me, meet me you see a friendly, kind individual who seems to have most things figured out in her life. I have a home, a great dog an incredible son and a huge loving family.

On the inside however I am riddled with anxiety almost all the time. I worry about big things we all do, job security, paying my bills, keeping food in the house. I also have smaller anxieties that I have learned to hide very well. I get so nervous about having to speak in a meeting my heart races and I can feel a pressure building and all I want to do is evaporate on the spot but that cannot happen for several reasons.....obviously. I have learned to cope and take my deep breaths and say what I need to say and I have learnt that by speaking up nothing bad has ever happened, in fact it has the opposite effect. Building on that and gaining confidence has opened many more doors in my life professionally and personally. As this just wasn't at work but at home with my friends and family I am the quiet one the "observer".

I stayed quite and went through many hard times alone, when I finally opened up to them about it all I couldn't believe how quickly my body changed and reacted to unloading the burden. I could sleep at night again, I saw a light again when it felt like I was trapped in cave with no way out of the darkness. You see, the thing I told no-one for a very long time was that at two months pregnant my husband and I decided to separate and get divorced.

I was embarrassed, devastated, and buried in so many fears for what I thought and imagined bringing my first child into this world was not at all my reality. We had our reasons to separate and discussed just staying together for this child but we chose not to do that for I rather be alone and happy than showing my son an unhappy marriage. We discussed adoption but I just couldn't; for I wanted to be a mom for so long that I just knew I could never do that, and its been the best decision of my life! So, at two months pregnant, he moved out, continued to work out of town and would check in on how I was doing. I always said good, I said I am good to everyone that asked, I looked happy to everyone who asked and could easily blame any crying streak on hormones of the growing baby. I only told one friend and she supported me like crazy, we did hikes, camping trips and marathons during that time. Anything I said I wanted to do she made it happen to keep me going and motivated and healthy. Sometimes we bit off more than we could chew and the memories we made have become some of my most fondest moments, from getting stuck up in Ram Falls with a dead car sitting in visitor parking just waiting for anyone to show up since we were the only campers at that time! To repelling down a 20 foot cliff with a rope some stranger tied so we could closer to a waterfall at my lovely 36 weeks pregnant.

As this was all unfolding I stayed quiet to everyone else no-one knew. I went through many events that year and what made it worse was that I lost my grandmother whom I was very close to. She lived in Saskatchewan but we would email frequently I was always her little girl. i remember getting a phone call that she was choosing to stop her treatments and just crumbling, bawling my face off in the bathroom at work. I pulled myself together talked to my bosses and with in a few hours was in the car with my father to go see her. that trip was full of happy and sad moments but getting that time with her was so amazing and two weeks after she past away. I truly thought at that time 2019 was a terrible year. However the world thinks it is funny and look how 2020 was!

Despite it all I stayed quiet until my son was born. I just could not manage it all anymore, I "broke-down" and told my family. I was given a lecture first, for not telling them all sooner but I was also given incredible support and I realized that talking about it and just getting out into the air made me feel better immediately. When they reacted with kindness and support instead of the disappointment I had imagined they would feel. I never talked about how my marriage was, they always assumed good, and happy and that I was in a strong team with someone.They were shocked and in disbelief for a moment. What I came to realize though was that I did not "breakdown" and I was not "weak" for needing them and their support in fact I grew and developed into realizing I needed help and that it is perfectly acceptable and good to get.

I hope now that no matter who they are to me that if they are going through something or need someone to talk to I am here for them. I have been in the lowest of the lows and have been on the path to coming out of that and realizing how much there is to life. I still have anxiety and fears we all will but I have learned how to talk about them and be open to the fact I do not have to do it alone, no-one does.

I continue to learn and grow from my experiences and allow what I have been taught so far in my life to help others. I am happy with me, my life, and my journey thus far! I am excited to see what my future will be.

Talk soon,

Alannah C.