Maybe you're right - the three little words that make conversations better
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These days the internet is full of critical views on modern communication. Some people feel that the pendulum has swung too far with all of us being over sensitive to speech, particularly the younger generations. It's fair to say that our societies can't thrive if we make it impossible to discuss matters truthfully and openly. But on the other hand, there is a place in our world for compassionate communication. We can disagree without being disagreeable, to paraphrase Barack Obama.
Of course this is easier said than done especially when we're busy, frustrated or stressed out. But remembering Stephen Covey's advice about 'seeking first to understand, then to be understood' goes a long way. Here are some ways we can connect with people first, before we correct, advise or convince.
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Provide space for others to express themselves: Whether it is a child, a partner, a friend or a work colleague, we are all human with similar needs. Consistently giving people some room to open up does wonders. It also helps to put ourselves in their shoes. After all, who are you most likely to open up to? Someone who is approachable and attentive, who you know will listen with an open mind? Or someone who will jump in with criticism, quick fixes or unsolicited advice? The simple notion of treating others as you want to be treated never gets old. And if you practice patience while others share their thoughts and feelings, you are much more likely to get the same courtesy in return.
Take time to connect when things are going smoothly: As we've all no doubt experienced, it is really hard to connect with people when one or both parties are angry. In fact connecting is the last thing we want to do in such moments. But if we nurture our relationships consistently and build a solid foundation with the people in our lives, conversations are easier when we do disagree. It's a little like healthy eating and exercise - if we eat well and move our bodies on a regular basis, we are better able to cope with and bounce back from illness when it hits. So it goes, with relationships. We can find little ways to connect with people - having some laughs with your team over lunch even when everyone is busy, or sharing a cup of tea with your spouse at the end of each day to catch up. With young children, a great way to connect is to join in on activities they love doing already. It can be a little harder with teenagers, but they still need connection more than we think. With teens, the houseplant approach might work best - just being around without forcing conversation gives them an opportunity to open up if they choose. Maybe they want to vent about friends or talk about something cool they learned at school or share the latest meme that's got them in stitches.
Avoid filtering people's words through your own lens: Psychotherapist and author Moya Sarner recently pointed out how we hear what we want to hear. In Freudian terms, our superego is prone to distorting someone's words based on our state of mind and our biases. So, it can help to practice openness especially if it is something about ourselves we don't want to hear or an opinion that is opposite to ours. If we are open, we are more likely to get honest feedback that is good for us, that helps us grow. If we are known for shutting down or being defensive, even well meaning people in our lives might stop offering constructive suggestions. This is where the phrase 'maybe you're right' can be so effective. It doesn't commit us to agreeing with someone wholesale but it does convey a willingness to exploring what the other person has said. It leaves room to reflect, discuss, ask more questions and problem solve together. We might not always come to an agreement, but at least we can aim for compromise and move forward with both parties' feeling in tact.
In all relationships, it's easy to be focused on ourselves, our opinions and our need to be right. Sometimes we are afraid of being too soft or bending too much, of being taken advantage of. But it helps to take the long view and ask what is it that want out of our interactions with others? Most of the time the answer is more harmony. That doesn't mean we should pretend to be getting along all the time or sugar coat important and difficult truths. But we can set an intention to better understand others, to really listen, and to let conversations evolve in a healthy, respectful and compassionate way.
More blogs like this: Mindful Communication, Why Words Matter