Maybe You Can’t Handle the Truth

I know when my wife Kiersten Hathcock wrote her memoir Little Voices she knew she would be somewhat vilified; she knew she would have her critics. She also knew she would be helping someone.

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And, if she won’t say it, I will: she has helped hundreds of ‘someones’ and they have been kind enough to write to her. There are certainly thousands more whom she’s helped that don’t write to her. Those who tend to reach out thank her for her vulnerability and that they truly relate to so many parts of her story. Some readers even say her book changed their lives.

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Then there are those readers who simply attach themselves to the storyline of her having an affair and they shame her for it. To those critics, I want to say, “Did you even read the whole book?”

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This is the part I want to address because I was there and did play a major role in this part of the story. So, let me start by saying relationships are hard. Not to mention what life throws at you is hard. It’s truly amazing that any of us exist and go about our day singing a happy tune. But, the truth is in order to survive as humans we tend to compartmentalize and focus on what makes us more comfortable. We tend to see things with a right or wrong lens—keeps it simple, right?

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Sadly, the whole truth is not that easy to understand as it requires us to abandon our own personal experiences as a frame of reference and see it from another’s perspective. That is WAY harder to do, because it tests our version of our own reality, and I’m not even talking about ghosts.

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As it relates to our relationship, A LOT of life preceded our separation. In her memoir, Kiersten speaks her truth and journey, scars and all, but she’s not telling my whole story because it is her memoir. However, she did include a blog that I wrote which shed some light on a part of my journey.

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In that blog, I state a myriad of reasons as to why my record wasn’t exactly perfect. In just a few words, I’ll sum it up-- I was a selfish kid (period). I needed to grow up and it wasn’t until she left that I had to learn how to really take care of myself and our kids. This included paying my own bills, making sure we had enough money, making dinner, helping with homework, juggling schedules and rides to and from school activities, taking care of sick kids, taking care of myself when I was sick, communicating with my parents and the list goes on and on.

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While this list may seem benign to most, consider that digging in and doing the work wasn’t really a daily thought of mine unless Kiersten asked for my help. Can you say “codependent?”

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When I think back on those 15 or so years, I am ashamed of myself for not being present in our family’s lives. Relationships are a two-way street. Now, add to Kiersten’s plate the complexity of dealing with wounded attachment, being a childhood sexual abuse survivor, meeting a narcissistic sociopath who targeted her, and communicating with spirits of kids who desperately wanted her help, and then maybe you begin to see the whole picture, the whole truth.

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There is no villain. At the end of the day, our love story doesn’t really exist without all the complicated layers—without all of the truths.

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So, if you walk away from reading “Little Voices” and your only take is, “She’s lucky to have Scott.” I invite you to re-read the book and remove your safety lens so that you may see the whole truth. Kiersten and I are lucky to have each other, for neither’s love story is complete without the other and THAT is the truth.? ? ?