How stigma around mental health in communities of color impacted my life?

I never understood why giving a speech on my high school graduation in front of more than 300 people wasn’t as scary as talking to a professional until I actually took the time to reflect on it. You see, when I was standing behind that podium in front of more than 300 people, I was not really looking into their eyes, I was staring at the wall at the end of the hall, a trick my drama teacher taught me. But when talking to a professional, I had to directly stare into their eyes, come up with a response, listen to them and nod at the same time. Additionally, that hall was filled with people whom I have known for years, whom I have seen laugh, cry and stress out about exams, or people whom I have heard stories about. But when talking to a professional, I always saw someone who was more than human, and huge reason behind it was because I never saw them when they were vulnerable, I never saw them admit that they are awkward, that they feel anxious when walking into a major meeting, that giving speeches made them feel like they are about to throw up. All the emotions, I felt as an anxious child, and still feel as an anxious adult. 

I never really started seeing professionals as humans I can connect with until I heard Mita Mallick explain her experience as an introvert in the corporate world, or saw Erin Haywood describing herself as “an awkward Black woman” in one of her Instagram posts. Them being vulnerable made me feel like that I am not alone when it comes to feeling awkward or anxious in a professional setting. I feel like companies have these set expectations that being professional means acting like you have it all together, all the time, and this dynamic didn’t necessarily change until COVID-19 hit. Ever since the pandemic started, I have seen my Linkedin feed filled up with stories about how professionals have been struggling in their professional and personal life, and how understanding or not understanding their managers have been. 

I don’t think so having it all together all the time should be something that should be worn as a compliment. This leads to creating a false image, and people feeling alone. I have been hearing the following phrase a lot lately, when I started talking about how my anxiety has been affecting my life: “But it looks like you have it all together.” It breaks my heart because I never wanted to create an image of myself that would lead to people thinking that I am a “superhuman”, someone who has it all together all the time. In the honor of mental health awareness month I would leave you with a poem that I wrote when I hit rock bottom and when I realized that I needed help despite the stigma around mental health in the brown community:

Nobody wants to talk about your anxiety flaring up again

You screaming internally, “no, no, no, not this again.”

About you feeling like someone is sticking needles in your hands, then in your head, then everywhere else

About the tears rolling down the side of your neck

Nobody wants to talk about why you flaked on them last minute 

Or about the lame excuse you gave them followed by “my apologies for any inconvenience but can we please reschedule?”

About the state, you go into when you receive a call unexpectedly 

About why you can’t bring yourself to reply to their messages quickly

Nobody wants to talk about you just wanting to give up

About you questioning if are good enough

About your body drenched in sweat

Not from working out but just laying in bed 

About that weird stench, they smell because you couldn’t bring yourself to shower for the past month

About you tired of falling into the same patterns

Constantly thinking if your life even matters

May you find peace, and heal from the anxieties about your future and your past