The Matchstick Men

“ As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others” – Audrey Hepburn

“Don’t make decisions when you are angry, and don’t make promises when you are happy”. Wise words from my mother, which still ring true today.

Decisions. Life is a culmination of these momentary choices that can change the direction of your entire future. It is that moment. That second. That decision once made, which can alter the course of history. It is in these moments, that the depth of your being is tested. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. I think one of the turning points in life you will ever face is to choose whether to walk away or try harder.  Simply put. You need to decide whether to turn the page or just close the book. You decide.

Essentially, it is not what is happening to you now or what happened in the past, that determines who you become. It is the decisions of what to focus on, what things mean to you and what you will do about them that will determine your destiny.

Behind these choices, lies e a bigger tug of war. Mostly the eternal tussle between the Ego and the Soul.

The Ego is about the emancipation of the self at all costs. Like two ends of a magnet, there is a need for control or a need for approval. Life happens in between these two needs.  The constant urge to keep desiring more, and wanting everything to fall into place, for a delusional feeling of peace. A peace that never comes, because there is always something more to be desired. Follow the Soul and all it simply wants is the opposite. It chases peace, so everything eventually falls into place. We somehow, make our lives more complicated ourselves.

Your Ego is an integral part of you and one you cannot get rid of entirely. It feeds your desire to be accepted, acknowledged, loved and valued born out of your connection with others. What needs to be observed here is that, decisions made without checking the Ego, can prove to give short term gains. Selfish causes dominate and you forget the greater good. This specially happens where others get affected by your selfish choices. After all, don’t you deserve better?

Be mindful here. There is a difference between Ego and Self-worth. A big Ego requires a person to think he is better than others and will put others down to maintain that perception. Knowing your Self-worth is about being your own best friend and accepting, loving, encouraging and believing in yourself.

To me, the Ego is like a Matchstick. It is as unreliable as time and in a flash, burns up not only itself but those around them as well. In fact, I have a self-concocted term for egoistic men - Matchstick Men. To what lengths one can go in the chase of his Ego’s dream, is like a traveler chasing a mirage. What seems like an oasis, does not really exist. It’s a dream that will never be fulfilled. He will remain thirsty and die in this eternal thirst.

 Having a healthy Ego is good and can lead to success but it can also be responsible for bringing down the mightiest Corporates. Taming your Ego in all kinds of relationships, can be just the antidote needed to abrasive arrogance. This is the weakest link in the chain of finding meaning. In being of value to others.

I think there are only two man made constructs visible from the moon- The great Wall of China and the size of one’s Ego. Leave your Ego at the door and you will give real context to paying the rent of inhabiting this world; To help others, be it family, co-workers, helpless strangers or teams you are leading. This, to me, is where life’s meaning really lies.

• It was never about you. It is about them.

Make it your mission to get over yourself and discover the skill sets of others. Believe in their abilities and try to find out what makes them tick. Letting go of some responsibility and having the ability to trust others, will reap countless benefits. Help others grow, by letting go and playing to the tune of their strengths.

• Stop blowing your own trumpet. Sing the tune of “Let’s make it happen”

Bringing out the best in others, and helping them become more can only happen with genuine interest in them. Forgive mistakes and show compassion, kindness and empathy for them. If you want to go from good organizations to great ones, get off your pedestal and help others become better. Creating more leaders than followers, is the aim.

•  Vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength

Encourage curiosity and learning whenever possible. After all , it is human to make mistakes and showing this aspect within yourself can reveal a more approachable and relatable side for others to connect with. Everyone makes mistakes, and that is fine if one learns from it. Corporations make them all the time. Take the example of Rupert Murdoch's News Corp which bought Myspace  in 2005 for $580 million and sold it for just $35 million in 2011. Big Loss but even bigger learning.

• No Man is an Island. Period.

Practice modesty and remember that by not being in the spotlight is alright. Let your ego take a back seat and celebrate the potential of others. This is a daily choice, to accept conditions as is or make a responsible decision to change them.

Reminds me of a story I read recently.

A beggar came to an emperor and the beggar said, 'If you are going to give me anything there is a condition.' The emperor had seen many beggars -- but beggars with conditions? And this beggar was really strange, a very powerful man. He was a mystic. He had charm, a charisma and his personality had an aura. Even the emperor felt a little jealous. And conditions?!

The emperor said, 'What do you mean? What do you mean by your condition?'

The beggar said, 'This is my condition: I accept only if you can fill my begging bowl absolutely.'

It was a small begging bowl. The King said, 'What do you think I am? Am I a beggar? I cannot fill this dirty small begging bowl?'

The beggar said, 'It is better to tell you before, because later you can get into trouble. If you think you can fill, fill.'

The King called his vizier and told him to fill it with precious stones: with diamonds and rubies, emeralds. Let this beggar know with whom he is talking! But then there was difficulty. The bowl was filled but the king was surprised -- as the stone fell into it, it would disappear. It was filled many times and each time it was again empty. Now he was in a great rage, but he told the vizier, 'Even if my whole kingdom goes, if all my treasuries are emptied, let them be -- but I cannot allow this beggar to defeat me. This is too much.'

And all the treasures, it is said, disappeared. By and by the king became a beggar. It took months. And the beggar was there and the king was there and the whole capital was there and everybody was wondering what was going to happen, what would happen in the end. Everything was simply disappearing.

Finally the king had to fall at the feet of the beggar and he said, 'Forgive me, but before you leave just tell me one thing. What is the secret of this begging bowl? All has disappeared in it.'

The beggar started laughing. He said, 'It is made of human Ego. I have made this begging bowl of a human ego: everything disappears in it, nothing ever fulfills it!'

It is better to be lonely in your world, than to be powerless in the world of others. Quit the control game and rid yourself from seeking approval in others. Take a step back and allow genuine happiness and value to those around you.

Oscar Wilde once wisely said, “Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go”. Your time to choose which role you want to take.