The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House
Alissa D. Gardenhire, Ph.D.
Enhanced Inclusive Leadership | Coaching White Male Leaders to Master the Skills for Effective, Dynamic Teams
Since we can’t rely on the tools of patriarchy to dismantle it, women are going to have to be creative, and develop new ways of thinking, being, and acting that are centered on our well-being. It won’t be easy, is not natural, and is going to take work, but what choice do we have?
In my musings and burgeoning writings about women and woman-centeredness over the last year, something that was clear to me from the start was that women must know themselves and think for themselves. This is difficult when we are all steeped in the teapot of patriarchy. It is in us, and male-centeredness is THE norm everywhere. It is hard to see around it—it is everywhere, pervasive and penetrating. I had so many lunches with smart, powerful female friends in the last year, that they said, “I never even thought about it like that.” Yes. It is hard to see when it is around us and in us.
Creating woman-centered norms shouldn’t be hard.
When I was first thinking about this essay, I thought that the number of women outnumbered men globally. “We’re the majority so everything should be normed on us,” I thought. Since we’re the majority placing ourselves at the center is EASY—or at least making an argument to do so can make thinking in a new way more palatable. But looking it up just now, men outnumber us globally at a rate of approximately 51% to 49%. However, these proportions need to be unpacked because there are male-favoring biases that skew them. I pulled a few facts from a Pew Research article :
If it weren’t for these forces, we would likely already be a majority. However, some trends predict gender parity and a global female majority by 2050. These include:
But who cares if there are more of us if the bulk of power, policy, and resources are still hoarded in men's hands? And what difference will it make if as women continue to move into leadership positions, we are still penis-centric in our decision-making? Many forces are pushing against woman-centered thinking, but if we want to change, we must also change how we think and operate in these spaces. And it needs to start now, but how?
Before I get to the ideas I have of the “how” of it all, I want to touch on the immediacy of this need. Disclosure: I’m a boy-mom (he’s a young man now). I was daddy’s girl, big time. The mentors in my life who have done the most for me have been men. I love and appreciate them and still see the need for overturning the old ways in favor of the woman ways. It’s not about individuals. And yet it is.
In a world of possibility for us all, our personal visions help lay the groundwork for political action. –Audre Lorde
This is personal. I have a bonus daughter, my former husband’s daughter, and our son’s sister, MC. She’s 10. I have actively brought her into my home since she was a toddler—fostering a relationship for her and my son, teaching her, crafting with her, snuggling her, and (most importantly) listening to her. I love this kid. She’s bright, artistic, individual, and fun. She is precious to me. I want her to have a glorious life. Yet I know she’s already had some things to deal with, in some ways like what my son has (think common denominator there) and there will be more to come given society as it is. More things where she and her ways as a girl or woman are perceived as different, off, abnormal, and not quite right. That sucks. I don’t want that for her or any girl or young woman.
Thinking of her, I think of the lives of other women. As teens and adults, we have been through some [expletive deleted]—in our relationships, in school and the workplace, on the streets we play, walk, or drive on, and in our minds—everywhere we tread we are not the center…not even within ourselves. Roadblocks, dangers, and differences abound.
But how can one be different than oneself?
I could recount 1000 stories, but I’ll share a fresh one I heard just today. My former husband, Chris is a talent manager. He was in Guyana this weekend for a show. He recounted a story that was both hair-raising and extraordinarily commonplace (sadly so).
After the show, the DJ (who works the show, but is not his artist) was talking to some pretty, young girls in the hotel lobby. The DJ took the girls up to his room. What happened in the room is what you’d expect to happen when girls go up to performers’ hotel rooms. That’s not unusual.
The next day the DJ calls Chris to come to his room, claiming they stole his passport. Chris made his way to the guy’s room and the DJ was in a rage. He was yelling at two girls (there were three originally, but one left earlier). The girls said they didn’t take his passport. He talks of calling the police. Then he says, “If I don’t get my passport back, I’m going to kill you girls.” Just like that, out of his mouth, in front of my ex, a death threat to these girls. Girls he had just used for sex.
To cool things down, my ex starts looking around for the passport. The guy says, “It’s not there. I looked.” Chris opens his bag and reaches in. The first thing he touches is this guy's passport. The DJ didn’t apologize. He just moved on, yet the girls are still scared and upset. One of the girls starts crying and tells Chris about her life there—poverty, an abusive mother, an absent father, rape, incest, being used by men for sex, and so on and so on…as it goes.
He wants to help. He told the DJ to give those girls some money and “make it a lot” for what he put them through. He told the DJ going forward not to pull any more stunts like this and to check girls’ IDs before taking them up to his room. He honestly was disgusted by the whole thing. Within the limits of his (patriarchal) thinking his suggestions are remedies that make sense. I don’t know how it was fully resolved, but the girls are still alive. That’s something and something more than other girls might leave such a situation.
I held my head but listened dispassionately as he told me this story. I don’t get hotly upset because I’ve heard it so many times before—across racial and class lines—girls and women high, low, and in the middle, homeless to Harvard PhD. Disempowered. Abused. Girls and women putting themselves in dangerous positions to get something (An experience? Some cash?) and being taken advantage of. And although I don’t know these girls, their experience is as personal to me as is my hope for good for our daughter, MC.
Simone de Beauvoir once said: "It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for acting. –Quoted from Audre Lorde’s piece
Not all our experiences are as extreme as this, and some are far more so. The real-life experiences of girls and women are our reason for acting. So regardless of whether we are the global majority or not, I believe there is an argument for centering ourselves in our world, nonetheless. Why? Because our lives matter, now, today, immediately. I think of MC, or these girls in Guyana, or Detroit, Newark, Oakland, or Sao Paulo. I think our lives matter now. I don’t want my bonus daughter to deal with one bit of the garbage I’ve dealt with individual men and the patriarchy. The thought of her in a situation like those Guyanese girls faced pulls up a feeling of dread I do not like.
I came across the title for this essay from an Audre Lorde piece (linked above) written as part of an address she gave at NYU in the 80s. There’s not much new under the sun for us with long-standing calls for equality, but the master’s tools will not get us there. Last Women’s History Month, I asked in a talk, “What are we waiting for? For our granddaughters or great-granddaughters to have a chance at a better, more free, safer, more self-determined life in which they can feel like the norm? It is not going to happen on its own! People who are comfortable in their position of power are not going to work for change. They can’t ultimately work against their interests.”
When is it going to get better for girls and women? The only reasonable answer is now.
How? Back to how…and who? I’m going to put off how again by looking at who? Honestly, I’m not sure how much women over 25 (and I’m 54…so boo!) can do, as we’re steeped in patriarchal norms. I had a conversation about a program I’m conceptualizing with my coach who is about my mom’s age. She’s wonderful and brilliant and so good for me, but she asked,
“But will it be fair (to men)?”
when I was talking through my thinking about centering ourselves, making what is important to us important, and focusing on developing leaders who can think of our interests and well-being first and foremost for a program concept I’m developing for girls and young women, ages 12-22.
I love the question and I think I scared her a bit with my answer. “Why should I/we concern ourselves with fairness, when fairness has never been a part of the calculation up to now from the dominant powers?”
This is an old and primary tool of all oppressors to keep the oppressed occupied with the master's concerns. –Audre Lorde
Honestly, I can’t worry about what is fair to men at this point. This is a crisis. Yet I think women-centered points of view consider the needs of men, too. I also said last year in my talk, “Patriarchy harms men, too.”
Ok, finally some hint of how. I think there is great value and the most leverage in investing in younger women and girls, so I’m crafting a leadership development program for young women ages 12-24. Program components are designed to build strength and self/woman-centeredness in young women individually while training them to bring woman-centeredness into the arenas they enter as adult leaders. I’m excited about it.
In the meantime, we can all look at our circumstances, experiences, and perspectives and make what is important to us, important. If we’re over 25 we can speak honestly with younger women (and all people) about our lived experiences. What was childbirth like? How can someone get ready for their period, pregnancy, or menopause? Share openly the challenges and joys of relationships. Talk about sex, crushes, and dating. We can talk about money—mistakes and wealth building. Talk about shame and pride and help build confidence in other women. Sometimes your sharing is enough…or at least it is a start. We can talk about them. We can normalize how and who we are, what we like, and what is good for us. Take that Swifty/Renaissance/Audre Lorde/Simone de Beauvoir energy in and run with it. We can figure out—together—what IS good for us. We can remove ourselves from spaces that harm us and support other women who do the same. For me, it starts and ends with the personal. In my configuration, the “personal is political” The day-to-day that take up space in our minds and derail us need to be faced head-on.
Changing how we as women think of ourselves--as the center and as normal—will be critical to creating real change that benefits us (all). As noted, this will require true creativity and unpacking of internalized patriarchy to lead from a woman-centered place. And what’s wrong with being woman-centered? I think it will be good for everyone us.
Just for fun what being a woman is really like:
Or what our work is “worth ”
Let’s center us.
If you’d like some help figuring out how you can increase your woman-centered thinking and action in your leadership role, talk honestly about your experiences, or help facilitate these kinds of conversations in your family or group, reach out to me through my website and book a complimentary consultation call.
For fun the other day I challenged myself to write an e-book in a day. It took a week to get it done and published, but if you’re single and want a reset, check it out. 30-day Online Dating Detox . It is fun and motivating to get you to focus on you first. Get one for a friend too and do the challenge together. Everything IS better with friends.
I also created an Etsy shop with female empowerment sayings on mugs. It’s for my amusement. I’m going to create a new one today that says, “I Believe Women” but you can check it out too. Peep the name of the shop. Funny!