Mastering Relationship Success: The 4 Pillars of Conflict Management, Chemistry, Expectations, and Values

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, unmet needs, and unresolved tension in your relationships, wondering why things always seem to fall apart? Why do some relationships seem effortless while others crumble despite your best efforts? Mastering relationship success is not about perfect partners or flawless communication—it's about understanding and applying the right foundational pillars.

Zach Saleh , bestselling author and relationship expert, has spent years exploring what makes relationships truly thrive. Through his personal journey of growth and healing, he discovered four key principles that can help anyone rebuild and sustain their most important connections. In this post, we’ll uncover these four pillars and explore how mastering them can lead to lasting fulfillment in your relationships.

Understanding the Power of Chemistry in Relationships

When we think of chemistry in relationships, most of us imagine the spark that ignites the initial attraction—the butterflies, the excitement of getting to know someone new. However, Zach Saleh challenges the traditional view of "chemistry" by highlighting a deeper, more sustainable form of connection. He refers to this as the difference between "toxic chemistry" and healthy, lasting chemistry that thrives over time.

Toxic chemistry, according to Saleh, often stems from unhealthy relationship models passed down from our families. These patterns—often unconscious—can sabotage our present relationships without us even realizing it. For example, you might find yourself repeating the same emotional cycles that you experienced growing up, even if you swore you would never do it. This type of chemistry can create a "push-pull" dynamic, where both partners feel disconnected but are unsure of why.

True chemistry doesn’t just happen; it must be intentionally cultivated. Just as you would nurture a garden, the emotional connection between partners needs constant attention. It requires both individuals to actively pursue each other, continuing to show interest, affection, and care long after the initial excitement fades.

Zach emphasizes that no matter how long you've been together, never stop wooing your partner.

Zach has learned that sustaining chemistry is not about chasing perfection but about keeping the connection alive by actively participating in each other’s emotional worlds. One piece of advice he gives to men is to never stop flirting with your partner, treating them as you did when you first met—playful, romantic, and engaged.

For women, Zach encourages the same kind of intentionality, asking when the last time was that they tried to seduce their partner emotionally or conversationally. This doesn’t mean being manipulative; rather, it’s about being curious and willing to make the effort to maintain an emotional connection.

By flipping the focus from chemistry as something that "happens" to something that is nurtured through consistent effort, Saleh provides a new framework for sustaining meaningful connections. When both partners continuously invest in each other, not only does the relationship thrive, but it evolves into something even stronger and more resilient.

"We often forget that we are constantly to hunt our partner. We are to pursue them, to woo them, like your life depends on it."

In this light, chemistry becomes less about the initial spark and more about the sustained flame that requires attention, care, and mutual effort to keep burning bright. So, if you want to create a relationship that lasts, it’s essential to keep stoking that fire with intentional actions, no matter how long you've been together.

The Art of Conflict Management

One of the most significant factors that determine the success or failure of a relationship is how conflicts are handled. Too often, couples fall into the trap of arguing to win, rather than arguing to understand. Zach Saleh believes that conflict management is not only a necessary skill for resolving issues but also an opportunity for growth and connection.

The conventional approach to conflict is often to defend, justify, or attack. People instinctively react from a place of hurt, anger, or fear, which only escalates the situation. However, Saleh introduces a powerful tool he calls the DNA method—Data, Narrative, Ask—as a way to reframe conflict and engage in more productive, emotionally intelligent conversations.

First, Data refers to the objective facts of the situation—the "what happened" without any emotional charge. For example, if your partner missed an important event, instead of launching into a tirade, start by stating the fact: "You weren't able to attend the event we planned." This avoids introducing the emotional layer of accusation or blame from the start.

Next comes Narrative—which is how you interpret the situation. After stating the facts, take ownership of how you feel and how you perceive the actions. In this case, you might say, "When you missed the event, I felt hurt and disconnected because I value spending time together." By owning your feelings, you avoid shifting blame onto your partner, which can make them defensive.

Finally, the Ask is where you invite your partner to share their perspective. Engage with curiosity rather than accusation. This is where true communication begins—asking, "Can you help me understand what happened from your side?" By doing this, you open the door for empathy and dialogue, which can lead to deeper understanding and resolution.

Couples who use these techniques in conflict resolution are more likely to maintain a happy and lasting relationship.

The DNA method Saleh advocates for is essentially about transforming conflict from a battlefield into a bridge for connection. Conflict, when approached with the right mindset, can deepen intimacy and strengthen the bond between partners. It is not something to avoid, but rather an opportunity to show vulnerability, to learn, and to grow together.

By rethinking how we approach conflict, we can reduce the emotional charge and create a safe space for both partners to express themselves, learn from each other, and ultimately find resolution without resentment. This shift can completely alter the trajectory of a relationship, making conflict a tool for improvement rather than a source of division.

Expectations: The Silent Relationship Killer

It’s easy to think that relationships would flourish if we just stop setting expectations. After all, we’re often told that expectations lead to disappointment. But Zach Saleh flips this conventional wisdom on its head, arguing that having clear expectations is essential for a healthy, thriving relationship—it’s the lack of them that causes problems.

In his book, Saleh stresses the importance of vocalizing your expectations and taking responsibility for them.

Expectations, when communicated properly, lay the foundation for mutual understanding and respect.

Without them, partners are left to guess what the other person wants, which leads to frustration and unmet needs.

One of the most common issues couples face is when expectations go unspoken. Imagine planning a romantic evening only to be met with indifference because your partner had different expectations for the night. Or consider a situation where one partner feels neglected, but the other wasn’t aware that spending quality time together was an unspoken need. This lack of clarity leads to resentment, which is often the beginning of deeper relationship issues.

Saleh points out that the root of most relationship conflicts is not understanding or managing expectations properly. He argues that clear communication is key—if both partners understand each other's desires and needs, they are less likely to feel overlooked or frustrated.

When partners don’t explicitly communicate their expectations, it leads to what Saleh calls “silent resentments”—feelings of bitterness that accumulate over time because each partner is trying to meet their own expectations without knowing what the other person truly wants or needs. This is where expectations turn into a silent killer. Instead of helping, they become a source of emotional burden that distorts the relationship dynamic.

Think about the small, everyday moments where unspoken expectations can easily surface. One partner might expect the other to handle a chore, like taking out the trash, but never vocalize this expectation. When it’s not done, frustration builds. On the other hand, if the partner had simply asked or made the expectation clear, they would have likely avoided the emotional fallout.

Another key aspect of managing expectations is the concept of bids for connection.

A bid is any attempt by one partner to connect with the other, whether through a smile, a touch, or a request for attention.

These bids are an unspoken way of signaling to your partner that you need something—whether it’s emotional connection, support, or reassurance. If your partner fails to respond to these bids, miscommunication and dissatisfaction are bound to follow.

Saleh encourages couples to learn the language of bids, teaching that small gestures matter just as much as big declarations in maintaining emotional intimacy. By paying attention to the subtle ways your partner reaches out to you, you ensure that their needs are being met and vice versa.

When both partners are on the same page with their expectations and communicate clearly about them, the relationship thrives. Saleh advocates for radical ownership in taking responsibility for your own expectations and being upfront about them. This allows both partners to feel heard and respected, setting the stage for a healthier, more connected relationship.

By setting and managing expectations early on, couples can eliminate the emotional chaos caused by unmet needs. Instead of operating on assumptions, they can actively collaborate to meet each other's needs, ensuring that both individuals are getting what they need from the relationship.

Aligning Your Values for Relationship Success

Understanding and aligning your core values is one of the most profound ways to ensure a relationship's longevity and success. Zach Saleh emphasizes that values are the foundation upon which a relationship is built. When partners are aligned on what truly matters to them, they are more likely to feel secure, connected, and fulfilled.

Get clear on what values you hold most dearly and how those values manifest in their everyday lives. For example, if one of your core values is transparency, you might find it difficult to connect with someone who is not forthcoming with information, even about small details. Without this alignment, misunderstandings and unmet needs can arise, leading to frustration and distance.

Zach cautions that it's not enough to just identify your values—you must actively live by them. For instance, if you value respect, it’s essential to ensure that you demonstrate respect in your interactions, even during conflicts. This ensures that your values are not just words on paper but active principles guiding how you treat one another. In relationships, values alignment isn’t just about agreeing on ideals—it’s about taking consistent actions that reflect those beliefs.

Saleh also highlights that values can be an opportunity for personal growth. When your partner challenges you on your values or asks you to reconsider your stance, it opens the door for introspection and improvement. By embracing this feedback, you allow yourself to become a better partner and individual, ultimately strengthening the relationship.

Transforming Relationships Through Radical Ownership

Mastering relationship success isn’t about finding the perfect partner—it's about cultivating the right practices that allow your connection to flourish. Zach Saleh’s insights into the four pillars—chemistry, conflict management, expectations, and values—offer a transformative framework for building deeper, more meaningful relationships. Whether you’re navigating a long-term partnership or preparing for future connections, understanding these principles can prevent you from repeating past mistakes and help you create a foundation that stands the test of time.

As we explored, true chemistry is not simply about attraction but intentional effort, conflict is a space for growth when approached with curiosity, expectations are essential for clarity, and values are the driving forces behind our actions. By aligning with these four pillars, you can turn even the toughest moments into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.

If you're ready to take the next step in transforming your relationship or preparing for a future one, start by asking the tough questions Zach lays out in his book. It’s time to invest in yourself and your relationships—because when we change the way we think about connection, we change the way we experience love.

Ready to build a relationship that lasts? Dive deeper into Zach’s teachings by visiting his website and exploring his book The Book I Wish I Had Before Marriage and Divorce. Don’t let another year go by without mastering the tools that could change everything.