Mastering My Money Demons: How post-divorce I fought my ego to be financially strong

Awkward! I was walking my dog with my boyfriend David and my ex-husband Karl returned my call. 

“Oh, hey Karl, I need to ask you a question. I met with my attorney today and I updated my trust to designate you as the trustee after I die. Is that OK?” 

I began to tear up and my voice cracked. 

“I know you’ll do what’s best for our boys.” 

“Of course,” he said in that soft, kind voice I had almost forgotten. 

I sighed deeply, “Thank you.” 

I hung up and smiled sheepishly at David. He loves me and my three sons, but we’re not married and if I die it’s not his responsibility to care for them.  

When my marriage ended, I was irrational and didn’t want my ex connected to my money, even if I was dead. But the healing factor of time made me realize he’s the only one focused on doing what’s best for our kids. 

So, updating my trust and designating Karl as the trustee was the last item on a long list to become financially empowered post-divorce. 

When the marriage ended, I lost two-thirds of my net worth — my ex got ?, our lawyers got ?. Note: fighting doesn’t pay, it costs. I fought and lost. 

I recently passed the third anniversary of my divorce being final. Only now can I say I’ve mastered my money demons and my financial house is solid. 

What I’m about to share is personal and vulnerable. Embarassing really.

What I did post-divorce put me in the hole. I made bad decisions and didn’t ask for guidance. What I wish I’d done is to ask my accountant, financial advisor, divorce coach and attorney to rein me in. 

If you don’t have these trusted advisors in your life, call me and I’ll help build your divorce dream team. (Remember I’m a matchmaker not just for love – but for life too). 

Audrey’s Post-Divorce Wild Ride. What NOT to Do: 

I felt like a cliché, but it was fun. 

During the first year and half I was separated, I danced between parenting my sons via guilt and spoiling myself and others. Fortunately, I had a great job as a venture capitalist with generous bonuses. During my chaos period, that money flew out the door faster than it blew in.

I took my kids on lavish trips to New York City, Bali, Cuba. I bought them whatever they wanted. I spoiled my girlfriends, regularly picking up the check and never looking at the bill. 

I also embodied the cliché’ divorce' life; whoever has money attracts those without. So, the hot, young, unemployed men who prey on older, newly separated women had their turn with me. I paid for everything. What was I thinking? I wasn’t.

Everyone has an ideal self-image they strive to embody. Some people focus on appearance and spend on clothes, cars, and plastic surgery. For me, I was driven to appear happy, successful and generous. 

When I was married, we had a two-professional income home and three kids in private school. We lived large, owned amazing houses` filled with parties and invested for our future.  I invested in too many startups.

It’s impossible after losing 66% of my net worth that I’d instantly have the same lifestyle.   

But I mistakenly thought I could. My ego and pride drove me to make bad financial decisions. 

Monday the divorce settlement money hit my bank account, four days later I was in escrow for a big home with an amazing entertainer’s backyard in a hip, historic, urban neighborhood.  

What ensued was a constant stream of parties. I hosted the “Culinary Hedonism Supper Club” with a private chef. I hosted big Shabbat dinners with my kids when my boys were with me and parties for my newly created “Audrey’s Tent” singles group when my boys were at their Dad’s. 

All my parties were free. I wanted to be seen as a macher (Yiddish for a big shot). I wanted to be the magnanimous, generous host who creates community and connection. But hosting monthly gourmet meals for 50+ guests got expensive! 

So, I got creative. When my boys were at their Dad’s I began Airbnb-ing my home—people wanted to rent my home to host events. I started a nice side hustle which paid for the parties. 

I failed, not only because I was being financially irresponsible, but also, I didn’t consider my kids’ feelings. They were understandably livid that strangers were sleeping in their beds. They felt violated and questioned if I bought the home for us, or for my social life. ‘Both’ was not an acceptable answer. They begged me to stop. 

Two years after I bought the house, life drastically changed. I stopped renting out the house, the fun cash flow was gone, and my historic home needed costly maintenance. Plus, my middle son was accepted to one of the most expensive colleges in Boston. I never received a penny of alimony or child support. I was in over my head. 

It was time to take responsibility and change my life. 

So, two ? years after I bought my party house, I called my realtor and told her I needed to sell it and downsize. 

My youngest sons’ friends, my boyfriend and our synagogue were all in La Jolla. So that’s where I went. 

Now I own a lovely townhome, and my kids and boyfriend are happy. 

During and after the divorce, I began working through the below financial health checklist, battling multiple tasks at a time. I was determined to master my money demons.

The road I took was one wild ride; but look where I am now! 

Today on this list everything is true. 

One year after my divorce, NONE of this was true. 

Personal Financial Checklist: 

• Have updated trust and will—all my assets are titled in the trust 
• Know my net worth daily—and how my money is invested 
• Monitor daily spending/saving against my budget (via Mint) 
• Have zero credit card debt 
• Maintain an exceptional credit score 
• Have an emergency fund 
• Own a home and that I can afford its mortgage and maintenance 
• Changed careers to a well-paid and meaningful job I can stay until I retire 
• Support (with my ex) two boys in college and have a 529 college plan for my youngest son 
• Updated life insurance—bigger payout for less cost 
• Save 10% towards retirement and my legacy plan 
• Make charitable donations from my Jewish Community Foundation donor advised fund 
• Double-check all big financial decisions with my CPA 
• Consolidated all my investment and retirement accounts with one advisor 
• Developed a retirement plan that outlines how much I should spend and save to retire at 65 

Mastering my money demons has been a rewarding process. I still live well within a budget. I had to cutback my ‘larger than life’ lifestyle to achieve the above goals. I’m mindful of money’s purpose, how it fits in my plan, and how it can serve my life meaningfully. 

Money is a taboo topic, but after I mastered my money demons, I decided to embrace my success as a way to help others.  

Two years ago (after months of extensive study and training) I transitioned from being a venture capitalist to being a financial advisor with Bernstein.

I am passionate to guide others on how to take control of their financial future.   

My hope is no matter your relationship status, my story inspires you to master your money demons and life in a place of prosperity and peace of mind. 

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Audrey Jacobs is a financial advisor at Bernstein Private Wealth Management and can be reached at [email protected]