Mastering Mutual Aid: How to Ask for Help Effectively
Hanxiang Liu
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Today I want to talk about a book:?Reinforcements：How to Get People to Help You. At some point, #SeekingHelp has become a difficult topic to broach. In the context of Chinese traditional culture, asking for assistance has often been equated with one-sided demands and unidirectional obligations. Moreover, the act of seeking help is frequently misinterpreted as a sign of weakness or incompetence. As a result, many prefer to shoulder burdens alone. For those who are socially anxious, the prospect of reaching out to others can be particularly daunting.
Contrary to these perceptions, however, is the reality that seeking help is a fundamental part of personal growth and progression. The book titled "The Art of Asking for Help" addresses this, elaborating on how to overcome obstacles in seeking assistance, and revealing the power of asking for help, as well as how to do it effectively. It delves into the complex emotions and behaviors behind seeking help, supported by research findings in psychology and sociology.
Is Seeking Help Really That Bad?
(I) The Pain of Asking for Help
Why does seeking help make us uncomfortable? Studies have found that asking for help can trigger a form of "social pain" akin to physical suffering. This discomfort may stem from worries about self-esteem and fear of being perceived as incapable or overly dependent. To overcome this, the author proposes a strategy called "reinforcement technique", which subtly stimulates others' desire to collaborate with us. Once we master this technique, we can attract a network of people who are eager to offer their support.
(II) Fear of Rejection
Aside from discomfort, many people hesitate to ask for help because they are convinced that they will be turned down. In reality, individuals often underestimate their chances of receiving assistance. The truth is, people are generally more willing to help than we imagine. One reason is that refusing someone's request can be an unpleasant experience - people do not enjoy saying no. Hence, once we have said "no" once, we're less likely to say it again. Also, due to cognitive dissonance, we are unlikely to reject a request we've previously agreed to - which is certainly good news for those seeking help.
(III) Misconception That Seeking Help Leads to Dislike
A common misconception is that asking for help makes us appear incompetent, which could result in a decrease in others' favorable perceptions of us. However, research shows that people usually have a higher regard for those they've assisted. Besides, helping others can have additional benefits such as boosting one's mood and enhancing self-esteem. Therefore, when seeking help, we should try to mitigate discomfort and view the situation as an opportunity to showcase our willingness to reciprocate assistance.
How to Ask for Help Effectively
As the saying goes, opportunity favors the proactive. But there's a delicate balance when it comes to taking initiative. An effective request for help not only avoids imposing on the other person but also helps to strengthen the relationship. In contrast, an ineffective request can result in awkwardness and eventual estrangement.
(I) The Art of Effective Help-Seeking
There are five steps to effective help-seeking:
People are not constantly monitoring your situation as you might think because they are preoccupied with their own concerns. Thus, the first step is to ensure that they are aware of your needs - by being upfront and clear.
You need to let potential helpers know that you genuinely require their assistance. People understand that unsolicited advice can be unwelcome, so it's essential to make them believe you really need help. If you openly communicate your needs, potential helpers are not only more likely to notice but also more assured that the assistance they provide is what you actually need.
Asking for help from a group often results in no response due to diffusion of responsibility. Make sure your potential helpers feel personally accountable to offer aid.
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Assistance doesn't always come in the way you expect it to. Your needs are not the only thing your helpers have to consider - they have other obligations as well. Therefore, appreciate any type of help that is offered.
(II) Avoid Turning Effective Requests into Ineffective Ones
Many people who initially make effective requests somehow end up transforming them into ineffective ones. Research shows that even though helping others can have psychological and physical benefits, these advantages dissipate when people feel forced into giving help.
A classic example is when many people do not articulate their specific needs when asking for help but instead start with the question, "Can you do me a favor?" While this may increase the likelihood of getting help, it can make the helper feel entrapped, which often leads to insincere assistance.
Moreover, many people tend to adopt a quid pro quo approach when seeking help. The "I help you, you help me" strategy seems like a win-win situation. However, these implicit "reciprocal agreements" can also make people feel coerced, transforming voluntary good intentions into reluctant cooperation.
(III) Common Mistakes When Asking for Help
Getting the help you need can be a bit tricky. How you ask for it - and how you don't - can make a world of difference. Here are a few common pitfalls you should try to avoid:
III. How to Be Better at Asking for Help
Alright, now let's get back to those "reinforcement techniques" I mentioned earlier. They're all about making people feel good about helping, not like they're being forced into it. Here are three ways you can encourage people to lend a hand:
(I) Build a sense of community.
People are more likely to help out if they feel like you're part of their tribe. This isn't just about tit-for-tat - it's about caring for the group as a whole. People will go to great lengths to help those they feel connected with, whether it's family, friends, or coworkers.
(II) Highlight the positives.
Helping others can make people feel good about themselves, especially if it aligns with their values. For example, if someone sees themselves as generous, they're more likely to lend a hand when asked.
(III) Show them they're making a difference.
People like to know that their efforts are not in vain. When you ask for help, show them how much of an impact they're making. And when you thank them - you are going to thank them, right? - let them know just how much they've helped.
We all need help from time to time, and we've all been there for someone else in their time of need. But despite this common experience, not many resources dive deep into the art of asking for help. This guide aims to fill that gap. After all, knowing how to ask for help is a skill just like any other - and with a little practice, you can get better at it.