Mastering the Art of Listening

When coaching is ineffective it is likely because the coach is trying to figure out what to say rather than actually listening. 

It is natural this happens when someone really cares about helping the person in front of them. But it becomes about them and not about the person they are speaking to when they do this. 

I was speaking to a leader and they were sharing what other coaches had said and it just left them more frustrated and not heard. 

They felt upset because the coaches did not listen to them. Let me be clear the coaches thought they were listening. Just as most people think they are better than average drivers, most people think they are listening even when they are not.

Coaches are not immune from the ability to not listen at times. The great thing about practicing the art of listening is that you start to get present when you are not listening. If I catch myself I do whatever is needed in that moment to get myself back to hearing what is being said. 

I know I am not listening if I am trying to figure out what to say. We don’t master anything from that space. 

Listening is a discipline that takes a hell of a lot of practice. Being in more conversations, however, makes no difference unless you are open to the fact that you don’t listen. Assuming that you are a good listener is the quickest way to not listen. By contrast, if you see ‘wow, I don’t listen, then there is an opportunity to see what listening looks like, as well as distinguish when you might actually be listening.  

Other coaches were focused on what the leader would get from doing the work. But that just left the person more frustrated and upset. When I was speaking to them I didn’t focus on what they would get I focused on dealing with their concern. 

What was being said was not found in the words themselves, it was the commitment of the leader which the concern came from. 

If, for instance, I am committed to marketing in a particular way and I think I am being asked to market in a manner which is at odds with my commitment, then it is likely to create a concern or upset. 

What I heard was the background commitment this person had and from that background commitment I could see how that was in turn creating a view which meant they felt like they were being asked to act out of alignment with their commitment. 

I invited them to consider giving up the idea that they were in fact being asked to do something out of alignment. There may be a result that is been sought to be produced, but how that result is produced is your creation not anyone else’s. Why? 

Because it is you who is doing the speaking. Even when people in sales and marketing, for instance, work from scripts if you just said a script it is likely to be ineffective. You have to create that script as your own otherwise all you are doing is parroting someone’s else’s words. 

Creating it as yours includes ensuring that the way you create those words is in total alignment with who you stand for being. If you are a business owner, it needs to be aligned with how you choose to do business. The key word is own, you own it. You own every aspect of your business as yours. If you are a sales and marketing representative it has to be aligned with the principles you hold for yourself about what works. 

There may be people and companies who don’t have your same concern and so parrot scripts without feeling any misalignment. 

Consider though that if you do experience a misalignment that is a great opportunity to discover how you are creating a situation which means you have to do something which lacks alignment for you. 

When you create a powerful relationship to who you are that is not a possibility you tolerate. Either you discover how to create these conversations or practices in a way that is aligned or you give up doing what lacks alignment.

Here’s something you can take on as a practice if you are experiencing a lack of alignment with something you are doing or asked to do. 

• Write down what the misaligned practice or request is. 
• Then write down all the ways you would choose to create it for yourself if you were doing it in a way that was fully aligned with your commitment to you. 

Feel free to share privately or below if you see a lack of alignment and choose to take this on.