Mastering the Art of Adult Friendships

A Satirical Guide

Step 1: Decide that your circle of acquaintances from college and your Facebook friends list aren't quite enough to meet your complex social needs.

Step 2: Attend awkward social gatherings, where you stand in a corner pretending to check your phone while secretly hoping someone will talk to you. It's like middle school all over again, except now, complimenting someone on their Ninja Turtles T-shirt isn't an 'easy-in' (in fact, you want to stay away from that guy).

Step 3: Engage in the delicate dance of small talk, where you bond over shared disdain for the weather and mutual confusion about the purpose of the event.

Welcome back to the "small talk podcast"! Today's topic: how about them sports!?

Step 4: Exchange contact information and promise to "definitely hang out some time," knowing full well that you'll probably never see these people again.

Step 5: Join every hobby group, sports league, and book club in your vicinity, hoping that one day you'll stumble upon a group of adults who actually want to be friends.

Step 6: Embrace the world of online friend-finding apps, where you'll swipe on potential friends based on their choice of profile picture and sense of humor. It's only pathetic if someone SEES you doing it.

Step 7: Attend "networking events" that are essentially speed dating for friends. Don't forget to bring your A-game and a stack of business cards.

In an "I Love You, Man" world, you don't want to be a Paul Rudd without a Jason Segal.

Step 8: Master the art of setting up friend dates, where you suggest meeting for coffee three weeks in advance and then reschedule indefinitely. Half of the time this will be done for you by the other person. It's life now.

Step 9: Navigate the minefield of oversharing and under-sharing, trying to strike the perfect balance between being mysterious and too boring.

Step 10: Befriend your neighbors, even if your only common interest is the shared wall and the annoyingly loud dog next door. You can chat about that for 5 minutes at a time for the rest of your lives.

Step 11: Pretend to be a social butterfly on social media, carefully curating a feed that makes your life look like a never-ending party (even if you're in bed by 9 PM every night). Create a grand illusion of FOMO.

Step 12: Revel in the joy of finally finding a potential friend who ALSO enjoys binge-watching obscure documentaries and eating pizza in mustard-stained pajamas. Congratulations, you've done it!

*Repeat as many times as necessary until satisfied.

Disclaimer: Making friends in adulthood may cause awkward encounters, shattered hopes, and an unexpected appreciation for solitude. Side effects may include questioning whether it's easier to adopt a pet or just give up and become a hermit.