Mastering 'Adult-Adult' Communication: My Journey from Conflict Avoidance to Effective Engagement

As someone who’s always preferred to steer clear of confrontations, the idea of mastering conflict management felt super daunting and actually, highly unlikely. My experiences—or mishaps, more aptly—have taught me the hard way how avoiding conflicts can often lead to more complex problems. My parents, skilled as they are in their respective approaches to conflict, somehow didn’t pass that gene on to me. Perhaps it’s the middle child in me, or maybe it’s just a skill I never developed—until now.

Today, I’m a passionate advocate for what we call 'adult-adult' communication, especially after seeing its profound impact in both professional and personal settings. So, what exactly is this approach?

What is 'Adult-Adult' Communication?

Adult-adult communication is an interaction style where both parties engage as equals, respecting each other’s viewpoints and emotional states. This method is based on mutual respect and understanding, without falling into common traps of patronizing (parent) or submissive (child) roles. It's about communicating openly, clearly, and responsibly, ensuring that both individuals can express their thoughts and needs without fear or reservation.

Evaluating Communication Styles: The Outbox Test

One effective exercise we explore in our training programs involves a reflective look at our own communication patterns. I ask participants to review the last 10 emails they've sent and categorize them based on their communication style:

• Adult-Adult Communications: These are the emails where you communicate on an equal footing, expressing needs clearly and respecting the recipient's perspective.
• Child Communications: This includes emails where you might have been overly submissive, failed to express your needs, or chose written communication for a matter that warranted a face-to-face discussion.
• Parent Communications: These are the emails where you might have dictated terms without explaining the rationale, took on more work instead of delegating, or provided solutions rather than fostering a dialogue to encourage problem-solving by the recipient.

This exercise not only provides insights into how often we adopt each communication style but also helps in understanding the impact of our approaches on our relationships and conflict resolutions. Let me know in the comments what your score is for this exercise (you only get points for adult-adult communication)!

Why Does It Matter?

For someone like me, learning about adult-adult communication was a game-changer. It transformed how I handle conflicts and discussions, moving from a passive or, at times, a needlessly authoritative stance, to one of equal footing and mutual respect. This approach has not only helped mend but also strengthen relationships in my life, from my workplace to personal connections.

Adult-adult communication doesn't just help in resolving conflicts; it builds a foundation for healthier, more constructive interactions. It’s about creating a dialogue where both parties feel heard and valued, and solutions are reached collaboratively rather than imposed.

A Continuous Learning Curve

Embracing adult-adult communication is a continuous journey. Each interaction is a chance to practice, learn, and improve. For fellow conflict-avoiders, this might initially feel daunting, but the outcomes are worth the effort. It's about stepping out of our comfort zones and into a space where we can engage more deeply and meaningfully with those around us.

So, whether you're looking to enhance your professional relationships or enrich your personal life, consider how your communication style could be influencing your interactions. Are you an adult talking to another adult, or is there something in your approach that could use a little recalibration? The answers might just transform your approach to conflicts and communication altogether.

Talk to you soon,

Sarah

PS: Also did a LinkedIn Live on this topic, you can watch the recording here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/adult-adultcommunication-makeit7200812347144192000/theater/