The Master and The Wanderer

What is the biggest loss in one's life other than embarking on a journey as a wanderer. Quoted from the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, one of the prominent figures in psychotherapy, he says, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." I highly recommend you read this book as this is one of the books that changed my life.?

One of the things in the past that I considered a "failure" in my life is that I don't truly know who I am. I don't mean that I have amnesia or hit my head on a wall and then lost my memories in the past, but I mean here, I wasn't able to get a full grasp of my characters. I was arrogant, highly entitled, and was a Mr Knows-it-All. Since primary school, I was sugarcoated with so many compliments that I was gifted – this is a bright side of my growing up. The dark side was even worse, though. As I transitioned from a kid to a teenager and then to a young adult, I carried this feeling of being gifted with me, which later led to many tragedies that life simply imposed on me. Throughout those periods, I realized that I could achieve similar academic results to those who are hardworking by putting up just a little effort from my side. During my bachelor's degree, I skipped lectures and never attended any single tutorial class, except if it was evaluated based on attendance. Yet, I still achieved similar results as my friends, who are hardworking. These bad habits crept into my soul, boosted my arrogance, and inflated my ego. It was only a matter of time before life would teach me lessons.

While studying comparative religions back then, two great theologians of the past from two distinct religious traditions gave me the best advice on my condition. St. Thomas Aquinas said, "Pride is the beginning of all sin", and Sheikh Abd al-Qadir al-Jilani said, "Until you still possess arrogance and anger, you cannot classify yourself amongst the learned." Indeed, I had paid a tremendous price for being oblivious to my characters, and if I could be humble in the past, I would learn more, and my life situation might be different. Fortunately, I learnt. I learned while wandering in the ocean of life and knowledge.?

During my Master's studies in Siberia, I was very fortunate to learn from someone I highly respected, and I love him. He is my teacher, and he is the master that shaped this wanderer. Yet, he considered himself a coach for me. I still remember his words after a month I became his student. He told me, "Izzat, you have a very good brain, but you're not using it properly, and you're not working hard enough. Don't waste your brain." I took his words deep inside my heart at that time because they scratched my ego and bit my arrogance. However, he was absolutely correct because I hadn't truly changed my character then. During my Master's program, we started our dissertation research and courses concurrently from day one. So, it was a highly busy period with a very tight schedule.?

I decided to truly change my life and characters at that time. The decision to change and transform my life was not coming with bliss, but I changed. I still remember how painful those days were. I was literally crying about how difficult to solve mathematical problems, especially proving theorems. I started studying the textbooks under my beloved teacher's guidance every day except Sunday. We covered textbooks such as "Difference Scheme" by Godunov and Ryabenskii, "Equations of Mathematical Physics" by Tikhonov and Samarskii, "Methods of Mathematical Physics" by Hilbert and Courant, "Functional Analysis" by Kantorovich and Akilov, "Modern Aspect of Linear Algebra" by Godunov, etc. It was a transformational period of my life. My characters were being polished, and my soul was being cleansed. Similar to the myth of a phoenix, where we need to be burned before we can rise again as a phoenix.?

Today, I am greatly indebted to this man, my teacher, whom I love and who has changed my life, and those who have helped, assisted and inspired me throughout my life journey, whether virtually or physically. I will never reach the point I am now without others who build me. All of you are always in my heart and soul. As Victor Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."