Masks and Superpowers have their place. That's in comic books and films. Here's my opinion why.

What can you tell is wrong just by looking at me?

Whenever I present my Keynote talks or start training sessions, the first question I ask an audience is this.

What can you tell is wrong just by looking at me?

Now, of course the real answer to that is, "nothing". Because there's nothing you can tell from looking at me that tells you what's going on in my head at that moment in time.

By asking I am trying to get people thinking early on that the way we percieve how people 'may', 'should' or even in our eyes 'are supposed to' outwardly present themselves if they are living with conditions like Autism, ADHD or Dyslexia.

The ways in which it would be 'easier' if those people made it more obvious or behaved in the ways that fit the expectations of those particular conditions.

The truth though is, that doesn't happen.

* What I describe here is my version, my reality and my belief. Others will, do and are welcome to disagree.

Ever since I was a child I was, insofar as I can remember, outgoing, talkative, desperate for friends and to be liked. Eager to please authority figures like teachers with my verbosity, language skills, physical abilities and creative mind and the speed at which my mind would work.

I was an early mimic. If I saw something on TV I'd have the lines, the accents and the scenes memorized in one sitting, way before the benefit of VHS or YouTube to help me, and I'd delight in diverting anyone and everyone's attention from the task at hand by regailing them with my mimicry.

This often got me in trouble. Which I never understood because all I saw were people having fun, laughing along with me. (More commonly now, I recognise I was being laughed at, already the unoffical Court Jester waiting to take the punishment whilst the more savvy of my peers escaped)

But, perform though I did, copy though I did, I was never hiding behind anything, behind an imaginary mask. Painfully trying to "be like others" to fit in. Because I knew I wasn't like them. I was smaller, slighter, even at young age I knew I wasn't as physically strong as others. I was more emotional and ready to show my upset, frustration and anger at what I felt was unjust. I was, I am told not naughty, so much as, always exhausting, asking questions, challenging decisions of adults I felt made no sense.

That wasn't the mythical Masking you hear so much about. Far from it. It was a younger me, confused as to why I didn't feel I belonged doing all I could to gain the information I felt I needed to make sense of the world I found myself in. A theme that coninues to this day.

A place in the world that you don't feel you belong.

I'm not sure whether it was the ADHD, Autism or due to my partents divorcing when I was young, all I know is that from my youngest age I had an association with the mindset that:

• Live is to to lived
• Things are to be tried
• Not doing or trying is the worst thing to know you did
• Risk vs Reward = Risk everytime
• If something can be talking my way into or out of, that's my approach first
• I can do anything I want, when I want, if I want

Now. With age, with some horrendous experiences that have happened because of that unchecked level of curiousity and lack of self control, with the hindsight of understanding ADHD, Autism and in particular PDA, my understanding has shifted.

I now see how much harm I've put myself and others at. I've risked my health, my safety, my relationships, careers and more because of the times where Me, being inexcusably, Me, has created situations I've been lucky to walk away from.

What were you thinking?

That's a question I've been asked countless times to date. By people who love me, care for me and who value my being alive.

The sad truth is, the answer is and almost always frustratingly has been. I wasn't. At those times there was not rational thought. No, "STOP, WAIT, should we do this right now?" Because the power of Dophamine seeking behaviour and the rush that creates was far higher than any rational thought process. Coupled with a diminished social maturity and sense of responsibility , it made for a dangerous combinations. Reckless, fearless and thoughtless with no thought of recourse.

I must have looked like I needed help in those times? Right?

Truth be told, no. I was a master of deception, I looked mostly just like anyone else. I was going about my business being the best version of me I could. Yet inwardly all my worst decisions were when I felt most out of control. When I'd have welcomed someone saying "are you okay, do you need help?" Paradoxically, I'd almost certainly have lied and said no because I was too foolish and proud to admit what I saw as weakness.

It's why in 2019 I had a nervous breakdown and for the first time ever opened up to my wife and parents about how hard I'd found life to that point. My wife knew, She is and remains my rock, for my parents the shock was life changing.

But not once did I mask. Never.

Sure I learned tools and devices that helped me cope. Heck from 16 through to now I've never not worked in a career that put me in the spotlight in someway, whether it was in restaurants, hotels, for airlines, huge tourist attractions, through to being a professional, sought after entertainer for 15 years, appearing on TV, hosting events, teaching 60,000 people new skills and more. Right up to the present day where I speak, consult and train others helping them understand the complexties of all of this as best I can.

Tools like:

• Taking mimicry to the next level and teaching myself to assimilate body language, accents, tone and non verbal queues to leverage sitiations or de-escalate them.
• Rapidly being able to learn enough about almost any topic that I could have a full disucssion about it with others withouth needing to resort to "small talk".
• Changing my outward appearance regularly, from short back and sides to long haired performer, skinny, to as muscular as I could get, smart to (as I was once described) looking and sounding like a cult leader. All to suit who I felt I was at the time.
• Deliberately not engaging in the things most people watch or listen to. Taking a warpred pride in "not being like everyone else."
• Throwing myself into new friendships or groups, often at great financial and emotional expense that I could not afford because I felt it would "answer questions about who I really was" *it never did.
• Then cutting myself off from those same people once I realised that I couldn't offer them anything and that I felt I'd never actually belonged, rather been tolerated. (there's a scene towards the end of the orginal Rocky Horror picture show where RiffRaff, played by Richard O'Brian finally breaks his subservient charater and scream "They didn't like me, they've NEVER liked me") That scene plays in my mind whenever a relationship or friendship ends becuase it makes it easier to not feel hurt.

Don't confuse this with masking again.

Remember, those who say they have to Mask to get by often mean that they are presenting different realities of themselves amongst people, often in work or social situations than they do in their own homes. They would tell you it causes them untolled stress, anxiety and emotional burnout. For them, if that's what they feel is true, who am I to judge. But noone can help them unil they stop. Because, if they've never presented the true version of themselves to anyone how can anyone know what help they need. And pretending to be someone you are not is exhasting. I've done it professionally, I get it. It's often why they will talk about "you, causing their meltdowns" Because in their eyes if you could guess when they were or weren't being authentic, life wouldn't be so hard for them. Which assumes every non Neurodivergent person is a mindreader of sorts.

It's an impossible paradox.

I never mask. Not before and not now. The version of me you are met with, online, in person or in print is, at that time 100% the version of me I am comfortable with and that I am happy to share.

I won't claim that you or anyone else didn't help me because you couldn't see through my confidence, how on earth could you. I have to choose to let you.

But, here's the rub.

Being as open as I am, presenting outwardly as confidently as I do means you won't know unless I tell you.

Only now even with approaching 5 decades of life experience and learning behind me am I beginning to feel confident to say to people, "Hey, I made need some help, in the form of X and this is why".

I've lived a life proudly, openly and honestly being me. I just never knew asking for help was even as option. That's why for 15 years as a performer I regularly drove home from events in silence for hours, letting my brain, emotions and body decompress.

What of Superpowers?

If there's one thing less helpful, that causes more confusion and distress to other ND people it's the harmful narrative that "all people with * condition are in some way X-Men or Superhero's"

It's a narrative that's been used in comics and films for decades, the hyper intelligent supervillan, the socially awkward, once bullied meglomaniac exacting revenge on a society that spawned them because of their physical or Neurological differences.

But, just like the comics and films, it's just fantasy, total nonsense and harmful at that.

Let me explain.

Between 2009 and 2021 I was a professional entertainer. I worked almost constantly, entertaining thousands of people, regularly being told how gitfed and entertainer and teacher I was.

All wonderful praise to recieve.

But after each event I was mentally exhausted. And some days there would be 2, 3 even 4 events often for different types of audiences, requiring different performances, miles apart.

I "managed" everything, the props, costumes, acts, bookings, invoices, travel, accounts.. everything.

And I knew I was failing. Badly. I saw others doing the same work as me who were booked more, made more money, and seeemed more capable. I couldn't understand why.

Then, a few years into being a performer I learned I had ADHD. Pre clinical diagnosis but as clear as crystal true,

So, when I wasn't working I was learning about it. And what I saw were countless accounts of people telling me and everyone else that ADHD was their "superpower". Attributing their great successes and incomes to it. Books written about how to harness to power of ADHD.

My ADHD made me feel broken. Like I'd got an old version of an updated programme. Something had to be wrong.

Years went by with me trying to tell myself otherwise until in November 2019 I cracked, fell apart and told my wife and parents I was better dead because I couldn't even "have ADHD properly"

I now know I am not alone in that. But because the Peacocks and Parrotts are louder online than those suffering, everyone believes what is parrotted by the peacocks, leaving people like me to end up suicidal, feeling like double failures.

Can we please stop using a metaphor invented for children and comicbooks to describe skills and abilities that some have and others do not.

Let's go back to the beginning then?

Do I look ADHD, Autistic, Dyslexic, riddled with Anxiety, Depressed. Like I need help?

I'd like to think not. Not for any other reason than because there isn't one thing any of those look like.

Am I playing with a fidget toy to stop me from stimming? No.

Am I obvioulsly shifting my weight to get some sort of physical connection to the ground. I wasn't at the time, no.

Have you seen how many times I've read and reread what I have typed as the words blur, move about and confuse even me? Far too many.

Does my broad, practised, media ready, captured tens of thousands of times smile say anxious or depressed? I hope not, this smile has been practised!

Of course not.

Does it mean any other those things aren't at times my reality and that I blame society for not creating a world for me that I feel comfortable in? Hell no.

Closing thoughts

I have written this piece because this is what I think is missing in the conversations about supporting Neurodivergent people.

The call this a Call to Action!

What I mean is this. There are two sides to this equation. Those who live with ND conditions and those seeking to support them, at workplaces, in friendship groups or families. So what can each group do?

The ND'ers

Those of you who are ND but capable of eloquently and effectivly communicating your needs have a responsibility for every other person less able, less confident than you.

If you keep telling others that you mask, if you continue to blame society for not supporting you and not being able to guess when and what support you need, then no change can happen.

Yes, being brave enough to go out of the door feeling you can be the version of you that you feel confident portaying can be scary. But being honest means asking for support can lead to it being recieved. Being brave enough to accept that, yes, you think, feel, process and engage in daily life differently to some folks takes courage.

But if you are gifted with the ability to chose to do that, no matter how scary, the difference it can and will make to those less able to vocalise their needs is huge.

**TW Non ND affirming terminology here - with context.

I've know a young man , I'll call him Z, since he was about 8. Z is Autistic. Very Autistic. So much so that his parents were told he'd never read, write, communicate, have any education and would need full time care his entire life.

When I met him, he was a ball of energy. By that time, despite some vocal tics caused by the sheer effort of getting his words out, he spoke and was mostly understandable, unless he was very excited or anxious/angry. Due to his inability to understand and regulate his emotions the latter was more common.

But he'd already defied every expectation of him, due to the incredible dedication shown by his Mother.

Z at that point right through to today as a maturing, 16 year old, keen gamer, model maker, reader and learner has never once masked. He's never not been his complete self. Why? Because he doesn't have to ability to chose to do so. So, has society accepted him, has he recieved the support he required? With his Mothers help yes.

So, why isn't he bitter, telling the world how hard it is for him? Because his reference point is the world he knows it, as he experiences it and as it experiences him.

If you are what was once termed as "high functioning" or as my sons were diagnosed and still prefer "Aspie" meaning whilst you may struggle with social anxiety, norms etc, your ability to chose how you outwarldy present is immeasurably greater than Z's.

Therefore, in my opinion and experience, it's just wrong of you to claim how hard life is for you if you can't be as brave as Z and just be you. Because he's had no choice.

And by doing so, as I've already said, you'll be more able to have the conversations with people when you do need the support that is relevant to how your Autism impacts you.

Also please leave conversations about Superpowers for the comic books and films, they don't help anyone. Z doesn't say he has superpowers and last time I asked my son to talk to him about it he was amazed anyone else did. I won't repeat his exact reponse, but let's say he totally disagreed!

Sure, if you feel part of our ND profile is that you have particular abilities or skills that you can harness given specific conditions, share them, but please be grown up about it.

The others, co-workers, friends, family etc

Those of you who want to help but feel it's almost impossible to do so without accusation of not trying.

Here's what you do.

Create envirmonents where being authentic is accepted, appreaciated and quietly applauded.

Let people know it's okay if the next time you see them their behaviour or demeanour is slightly different. Participate in learnings. training on the topics and ensure your organisations are doing the same.

Don't ask unprompted questions if someone do something they've not done before. Use loop ear buds, not socialise at lunch, doesn't go for afterwork drinks etc. Let them offer explanations when they feel ready. Just accept that whatever it is may be incredibly helpful for them.

On the subject of questions. Sadly a lot of what's on social media, across all platforms often falls under the banners of Parrotts and Peacocks I mentioned earlier. Just be sure to look at how long the people sharing content have actually studied things for before, how many people they've actually, personally helped before using their information as a go to reference for your assumptions about any ND condition. In my experience, that's a slippery slope to picking up information that's just plain incorrect, outdated and that anyone living with an ND may find offensive, especially once they've done their own research and combined that with lived experience.

So, who is ready to leave masks and superpowers to the comic books and start having effective, purposeful conversations that enable open dialogue and help for all ND people?

About Matt.

Matt is 48 years old. He had spent 14 years co-parenting to sons with Autism and ADHD before recieving his own diagnosis. He has advocated for 100's of parents and care givers in that time, offering the learnings he's acquired through working with and supporting 1000's of Neurodivergent people of all ages. He's a consultant, keynote speaker and advocate for all Neurodivergent people.

To book Matt to speak on this topic or others head to:

www.mattgupwell.com

For consultancy or Neurodiversity Awareness training head to:

www.thinkneurodiversity.com

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