Masking - The hidden cost of covering up

Here lies Jennifer Fox. She was “fine”.

For years, I was convinced these would be the words engraved on my tombstone. Morbid, I know, but that one word captured most of how I lived my life.

And I was, fine. I had an amazing family, a comfortable home, siblings I loved and friendships I could count on. I excelled at near everything I tried, though I came to realize much later that I really only attempted the things I knew I could succeed at. That’s a story for another time.

I got the gold stars. ALL the stars. Somewhere along the way, I connected the stars to love and thus became a way of life.

Do good - make others happy - pretend all is well - stay comfortable - repeat.

It’s only been in recent years that I discovered there’s a word for this - masking.

“Masking” refers to when an individual hides or suppresses symptoms, behaviors, or difficulties they are experiencing. While it can happen intentionally, it often occurs unconsciously over time as an individual receives negative feedback for their authentic presentation. - Dec 22, 2022, Very Well Mind.

For me , it wasn’t negative feedback for my authentic presentation, it was positive feedback for my inauthentic presentation. I could write a book on how this showed up, from not saying where I really wanted to go for dinner to saying ‘yes’ to long term relationships.

Fast forward decades and an immense amount of personal development. The more I dismantled ‘fine’ for myself, the more I saw it all around me.

Friends holding on for dear life as they battled postpartum depression but wanting to portray as the perfect mother, complete with perfectly prepared snacks.

Colleagues suffering through a miserable job for fear that speaking up would cause them to lose their job.

Teenagers contemplating or following through on the ultimate escape because they just couldn’t see a way out, shocking friends and family because they seemed like the ‘perfect’ student.

It’s become my life’s work to disrupt this pattern, end the stigma of struggle and help people learn the skills to admit when they aren’t fine so they can carve a path to become it.

My ultimate wish is that when we’re not ok, we not only recognize it, we shout it from the rooftops. I’ve found that each time I admit it, a part of my heart opens to receive from others and in doing so, space is created for them to do the same.

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen." – Brené Brown

Here are 5 thought-provoking questions to explore as a way or recognizing masking behaviors.

1. Am I Hiding My True Feelings?Do I often suppress my emotions or put on a brave face even when I'm struggling internally?
2. Do I Alter My Behavior to Fit In?Do I change my personality, opinions, or interests to conform to what I believe others expect from me?
3. Am I Avoiding Authentic Connections?Do I avoid opening up to others about my challenges, fears, or vulnerabilities, opting instead to maintain a surface-level persona?
4. Do I Downplay My Accomplishments or Abilities?Do I minimize my achievements or capabilities to avoid standing out or making others feel uncomfortable?
5. Am I Neglecting My Own Needs for the Sake of Others?Do I prioritize others' needs and expectations over my own well-being, leading to feelings of resentment or burnout?