Masculinity is NOT toxic, but violence against women needs addressing NOW

What Exactly Do I Do?

It was pointed out to me recently that not everyone reading this will be aware of who I am and exactly what I do. I’m a personal transformation coach (a life coach really but I know that conjures up images of 23 year old digital nomads, and is a bit of a board term so I don’t call myself that!) and I work with men.?

Men who want to be better. Men who know they are meant for more. Men who feel stuck, who’ve lost their drive and motivation, men who are stressed, anxious, frustrated and who aren’t prioritising their wellbeing. Men who are going through periods of transition and need some accountability. Men who are stuck on autopilot and have realised life is too short not to be living with clarity, direction and really thriving.

Men who are low in confidence, who’s self esteem and self worth has been gradually chipped away at. Men who are confused, stuck and overwhelmed, who feel burdened and don’t know how to escape it.?

Live by Design Not by Default

I help men to truly live, to live on purpose, to escape the bullshit rules laid down by the culture about what a man ‘should’ be. I help men reconnect with themselves, to peel back the layers of crap, to delve into their psyche and find out who they truly are and what they really want. I help men feel fulfilled, confident and empowered to live the life they’ve always dreamed of. Without reducing their income or social status.

I do that by working with your subconscious mind. To shed the light of awareness on your belief system and your values system. The unconscious systems that drive your mindset, and therefore your actions and your results. I can help you shift your beliefs so that they fit with your values, because often there is an incongruence there. And that conflict causes stress, anxiety and overwhelm.

Your Unconscious Mind Systems

Our belief systems are rarely consciously created. They are mostly formed when we are children and adolescents. Mostly our views, opinions and beliefs are given to us, by authority figures, by our parents, by our education, by what we see, hear and read. It's not your fault, but they need to be challenged.

When you work with me you’ll be able to see yourself like you’ve never seen yourself before. I’ll challenge your thinking and your behaviours in a way that will shift your perspective, alter your point of view and make you see yourself and your life differently.?

I help you delve deep, to confront the shit you’ve avoided all of your life. I do it because I’ve been where you are. I know what it’s like, I understand the pressures, the responsibility, the drive to provide for your family and because I care. I know how to shift your perspective so you can change and I’m right there with you every step of the way.

It's Simple and Rapid but NOT Easy

What I do is simple, but it’s not easy. It takes bravery, courage and a willingness to act to be my client. So my coaching is not for you if you’re looking for a quick fix or if you have no patience. My methods are backed by modern neuroscience and I have a 100% success rate. I’ll help you rapidly develop the tools so you can keep being successful at work and in your business but also be present at home. Tools that enable you to prioritise your wellbeing, my expertise is in mental and emotional health. I’ll help you avoid burnout, fix your relationships, avoid the heart attack or stroke that is looming if you continue to live the way you are by building mental and emotional strength.

I’ll help you have more freedom, and to develop control over your thoughts and feelings, so they no longer control you. I’ll help you find lasting happiness and fulfilment, and find deeper meaning in your life by adding activities that align with your values and passions. I’ll help you to feel confident about your future, and to secure your legacy and status. When you work with me you’ll find ways to make a positive contribution to your community and to make the world a better place.

Masculinity is NOT Toxic

I work with men because I see a particular set of issues in our culture right now that I help address. Because in our drive for equity and equality men are being underappreciated for what they bring to the table. They’re being labelled as toxic and masculine qualities are being diminished in favour of feminine ones. I want men to embrace their feminine side and their feminine energy but also to celebrate what makes them masculine. Because what I absolutely know to be true is that masculinity is NOT toxic. Neither is it a social construct. It is natural and normal and like all other mammals hard wired into us, and it is that way for good reason.

We need balance. We need yin and yang. We need masculine and feminine. Most males behave in risk taking and protective ways, not destructive ways. The role of protector is more naturally adapted to the physically stronger and bigger male. That’s nature, it’s not a social construct. It is a clear physiological difference. And it should not be derided.?

Pathology is NOT the Norm

There are of course extremes. I’m not here to talk about criminal abusive people. I’m here to talk about normal loving caring men which are of course the significant majority. Masculinity cannot be at the same time toxic and also provide a position of privilege. This is a contradiction but yet one we hold when men and masculinity are discussed. Pathology is not the norm, far from it, and we must be really mindful of how we talk about masculinity to young men and boys.

Emotional damage and poor mental health shows up in particular ways for men. Men behave differently from women, men deal with crises and emotional overwhelm differently from women. I say again we are mammals so there are biological differences between the genders, it’s a fact. And those differences do have an impact on male psychology and masculine identity. A person's gender is not entirely the result of learning and cultural preferences. We must accept this and change the current conversation and dialogue around men and masculinity.

F**k Stereotypes

Masculinity is not a set of stereotypical roles exactly the same as femininity isn’t, they are an embodied and evolved part of our species. We celebrate many other identities currently, and rightly so, but we do not celebrate men and masculinity, we do not even value many masculine qualities, the sort of qualities that keep our world moving and ticking over. We are in serious danger of stigmatising masculinity with misguided and frankly dangerous ideas about social engineering. And I’m here today to call that out.

I’m here for men. The men that fight for freedom and justice. The men who are driven to provide and protect and the men that demonstrate self-mastery, stoicism and control of their emotions. I’m here to help men reconnect with those innate drives within them. To celebrate them and not diminish them. I’m here to change the fucking conversation. Because poor mental and emotional health in men is literally killing them. And it needs to stop.

I'm Here for Women Too!

I’m here for women too. And I’ve read some frightening things about violence and attacks on women and girls recently. It’s not enough for those of us who aren’t perpetrators to say it’s not all men. It isn’t all men, that’s a fact, but we have to be careful not to use this as a cop out. We have a serious cultural problem. And because I’m a man I want to do something about it. So today I want some advice and help from men and women. What can we do about this? How can we change our culture and turn this tide?

What Can We Do?

One of things I find most worrying is that perpetrators are getting younger. 16-19 year olds are committing more of these attacks than ever before. It’s frightening. And personally I think a decade of calling masculinity toxic has contributed. Young men and boys are being radicalised by the likes of Andrew Tate. They’re turning to misogyny. What can we do to change this? How can we educate our young men to celebrate their masculinity, to be comfortable with it and to respect and celebrate women too? This is all of our responsibility. I don’t want to live in a world where my young nieces grow up in fear of men, choosing to be in the woods with a bear rather than a man. We cannot let this continue and I want to do something about it. NOW!