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(Disclaimer: I share this story to give others hope of what’s possible)
I was staring at the computer screen...
It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the stomach...
I felt like I was going to puke right there.
Looking back now I don't know if I felt like puking because I had been drinking and using all day, or if it was because my suspicions were true.
My then girlfriend had just moved away to the east coast as I was moving to the west coast, it was nothing more than a long good-bye.
That song Boston by Augustana had just come out and I remember I had the song on repeat...
"You don't know me, you don't even care. You said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains..."
Just typing the lyrics triggers a state still to this day.
I had just moved to San Diego and was going thru another break up again, being cheated on again, feeling totally alone, and broken, and unwanted...again.
(Which I now know was simply a reflection of how I felt about myself on the inside - which is why I was attracting it on the outside)
I had just turned 23 and had no hope or belief left in myself.
Now how can that be?
Thinking back to it...how heartbreaking is it that a 23-year old kid would reach a point where he felt hopeless for his life and future?
And yet that's exactly where I found myself...lost, alone, and frustrated.
I was living in a 2-bedroom apartment that had nothing in it.
And when I say nothing... I mean nothing.
My roommate and I had an air mattress each and some clothes... and that was literally it.
By this time I had fallen so far down the rabbit hole that I was seemingly a lost cause.
I grew up as an outsider... or so it always felt that way.
My step-dad tore me down every single day from the time I was 6 until.... well even still.
(At the time of writing this he just told me I was a druggie, dirtbag, worthless little puke like 10 days ago lol - ?? Phil Schneider everyone)
My parents were divorced because my father was a severe alcoholic
who beat the hell out of my mom which meant I never say him...hardly ever in my life.
My mother is THEE MOST AMAZING WOMAN EVER, but she worked 60 hours a week as bank manager for years (and later as a CEO) and although she made it to every sports game, every school function, and supported me fiercly, she never fully understood my pain because I never disclosed it to her.
I didn't grow up in a place or in a culture where you talk about your feelings and especially not feelings about how someone else was hurting those feelings.
Hell as a matter of fact as men, we’re never taught to express weakness or communicate emotion.
Meaning my time at home was spent out on the farm, working with grown men, havng my step-dad tell me...
"You're so god damn worthless, Marshal"
"You're going to be another loser Gillen like your pothead dad"
"You're so f****** unobservant Marshal"
"You don't think about anyone but yourself"
"you're so f****** ungrateful, I bend over backwards for you and let you live in my house and you don't do a god damn f***** thing around here"
and so on and so forth.... FOR YEARS...
Making feel like I was too stupid, too broken and too worthless to ever be loved or successful.
Meanwhile at school, it wasn't the best either.
You wouldn’t have guessed though.
This is because I was homecoming king, captain of my teams, 3x class president, star student and stand out athlete, one of the most popular kids in the whole school...
I mean on paper life was grand, so my scholastic experience must be good, right?
Wrong.
What you don't see is that I grew up on a farm in the midle of nowhere.
So I wasn't able to play sports and stay at friend's house, or go to the birthday parties because my mom was working and my step father would never dream of letting me miss helping him on the farm so I could go to town and "fuck off", as he would say.
What all of that really means is that I didn't become "friends" with th popular kids until 6th grade...and by then they had all spent YEARS growing up together, which made me "the newest friend", a lable that never quite faded away.
Although things looked all fine and swell on the outside, they weren't.
I was under constant pressure to get straight A's from teacher (you're an A student Marshal, we EXPECT As)...
Under constant pressure to be a leader because of sports (you're a leader on and off the field Marshal, act like it!)...
I was under pressure from the popular kids to fit in and be liked and accepted (as the new kid and even to this day I'm still noboy's best friend; I don't have one)...
I was under constant pressure to dress a certain way and act a certain way so I could maintain the image of "popular kid" to the rest of the school and public.
To say I felt all alone growing up is a MASSIVE understatement.
A little boy who felt alone and afraid since the day he watched his dad throw his mom though a door at the age of 2.
The ONLY thing I've been able to fall back on my whole life is performance.
If I only performed at the highest level, surly everything would get better.
So I strived to be the best at everything...and for awhile I was.
As men were often raised in a fashion that conditions is to believe our human value is only based on how we perform.
How we perform in the class room...
How we perform on the field...
How we perform in the boardroom...
Or how we perform in the bedroom.
For me as a boy growing up, I performed to make sure my two dads knew I was worthy of the love and respect and attention they never gave me.
I was going to “prove” them wrong.
I decided I'd work so hard and achieve so much that my step dad would HAVE to tell me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me...except it never came (still not even to this day).
By my senoir year I began to realize something...no matter how hard I try or how successful I was, it would enver matter because it never made a difference.
I would come home no matter what and be told I'm a worthless piece of shit... and I quickly realized that there was no point to trying anything to my fullest potential because nobody would love me any more or accept me anymore, so whats the point.
It was around then the drinking and drugs became prevelant.
I had dropped out of college, throwing away a full academic scholarship.
I had moved all around the country.
I was broken, sad, and out of the energy to live life much longer.
I finally found myself alone in San Diego 2100 miles from home, and with a llifetime full of loneliness and sadness and rage that would follow me there.
And I'll never forget that day that I made up my mind that enough is enough.
The day that I was finally going to kill myself.
I mean I had been thinking about it since I was 13 years old.
I had wanted to kill myself for over a decade.
An the events that day just sort of led me to finally make it happen.
I was already at the end of my rope when I opened my MacBook that afternoon.
I hopped on MySpace, and there it was...
The new guy my girlfriend was hanging out with, the guy I suspected she was probably hooking up with.
This was the 2nd time this happened to me in 3 years and in that moment I KNEW there was something “wrong” with me...
Just like I had been conditioned to believe my whole life.
I deduced that I had all of the proof I needed to know that I would never be loved and never be accepted, ever...
And I knew that there was no way out and that I had finally had enough.
What I did next, I don't know how I survived.
I laid on the floor of that empty apartment, with my roommate at work, and made up my mind that today is the day it ends.
Staring at the screen of my new macbook, I got started with my plan....
I ate somewhere between 30-40 half bars of Xanax...
Snorted almost an 8 ball of blow...
And drank down a fifth of vodka.
I DID NOT WANT TO EVER WAKE UP AGAIN.
Have any of you ever been this low?
Have you ever felt alone, and sad, and frustrated, and lost?
I called my mom as I was fading out, just to say goodbye.
Glad I did... because she made some calls to get someone over there ASAP!
My roommate ended up rushing home to find me on the floor, and got me an ambulance that took me immediately to the hospital.
I don't remember much what happened, but I'll never forget when my eyes opened and I realized I was laying in the hospital.
And as quick as a light turns on, I had a thought in my head... THANK YOU FOR BEING ALIVE!
I sobbed...alone in that dark corner of the ER.
I was all alone and scared.
Fast forward to now...
And it's taken me almost 10 years to arrive to where I am today.
It was no easy task.
But now I know, deep down inside of me, that I was called to hold space for those who doubt themselves, who feel alone, unloved, and unworthy.
Everything I've endured is for a reason and purpose.
That pain is now my GIFT.
I’ve turned my mess into my message and have set out to love the world and to make sure EVERYONE that comes across me...
Feels acknowledged, heard, an loved.
I stand here today a changed man...a man who is loved and supported, who is happy and not alone.
I can barely get thru this without crying, my heart breaking for everyone in the world who still feels like they lack those things.
Look, the only reason I wrote this whole long thing is for them, for you, for someone who needs to hear it.
I know how it feels to want to give up...I tried too.
And I want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHAT...
There's ALWAYS opportunity to change that feeling.
No matter what you've been thru...YOU MATTER!
If someone like me can overcome the things that held me back, that made me want to give up, then anyone can.
I want this story to be the permission you need to get back up, dust yourself off, and to join me in living a life of leading by example.
If your story is similar to mine then you should know that your story matters.
You're not alone and you have a chance to use your story to save the lives of other people.
If you're reading this... I love you and I believe in you.
Because you have so much in you to give... the time has finally come for you to start giving it AND to start receiving it.
If you need help with structure, or how to get started, or if you're looking for direction, reach out...I'm here for you.
Together we will change the world.
Im on a mission to save a billion lives who will save a billion lives with the power of storytelling.
Will you join me in saving the world?