Marry Me, Not My Money

Why prenuptial agreements are a good idea, even if they aren’t very romantic

Bae and Beau are wildly in love. They are 24 and 26 years old, respectively, and have been dating for a little over a year. Both are professionals making good money — Bae in a law firm and Beau is a realtor. Beau considers going into a real estate investment business with his college buddies.

Bae has significant student loans and makes payments on the 10-year plan. She doesn’t use credit cards and is very cautious about how she spends her money. She saves and only buys what she can afford.

Beau’s parents paid for his full education, so the only debt he has are the balances on his three credit cards. He doesn’t budget because he is confident he makes enough money to live and enjoy his life. Beau knows he is smart and clever. Like his father, he has no doubt he will make more money every year as he gains experience.

I’ll Love You Forever

On Valentine’s Day, marvelous Beau planned the most romantic night. He took Bae out to the Seafood House, and over enormous shrimp and butter soaked lobsters, the two spoke of their hopes for the future.

With bright eyes and huge grins the two agreed they wanted to get out of the city before they had kids. Over decedent, chocolate-oozing molten lava cake, they mused about the house in Vermont they would buy, where they would all spend weekends skiing and snowboarding.

Bae could not have hoped for a more heavenly date night.

When they got back to his place, she saw Beau had set up twinkling lights in the bedroom. As Bae oohed and ahhed over the roses on the side table, Beau twirled her around, dropped to one knee and planted a shiny diamond on her left ring finger.

“Will you marry me and be the sole love of my life forever and ever? Because, my love, I cannot imagine my life without you in it.”

Bae’s body vibrated with excitement. Was this really happening to her? Was this fabulous, handsome, kind and loving man asking her to be his partner in life forever? To make little Bae and Beau babies?

“Yes, Yes, Yes” she enthused, followed by, “I have to call my parents!”

Romance Is Not Everything

So exciting, so romantic, so full of promise.

The next day, when she called her dad, he asked a challenging question. Bae did not like nor appreciate it.

“Are you going to enter into a prenuptial agreement, dear?”

While Bae had actually thought about the whole prenuptial idea a few months back, she swept it under the rug. Defensive, Bae told her dad that she and Beau were in love, neither had any assets anyway. C’mon, she was never going to get divorced — just like him and mom. Beau told Bae he waited his whole life to find her. That he was the child of an ugly divorce. He would never, ever do that to her or their future children.

When they took their vows, she continued, it would be a permanent promise, Beau was sure and Bae could be, too.

(Bae’s dad made faces that Bae couldn’t see on her end of the phone.)

Young Love Is Great. Na?ve Love Is Not.

I made faces, too, when I heard this story. Being young and in love is so great. I love to see budding love and am always elated to receive wedding invitations. It’s wonderful to watch my friends and family members speak to each other of a lifetime of sunshine and roses — I especially enjoy listening to the speeches and stories made in wedded bliss.

But (screeching halt image), do you ever really know what life has in store for you?

No one knows which couples survive and which break from the strain. Maybe there are “signs” that indicate that the twosome are not really compatible, or maybe there are “signs” that they were destined to be soul mates from the very first glance.

The bottom line is, we never know. Life has a funny way of changing our best-intended plans. Marriage is a very tricky act to manage and maintain. Staying with one person day-in and day-out from your early twenties or thirties, through to your eighties, nineties or beyond, is an enormous commitment.

What other promise has that kind of longevity?

Think of the Prenuptial Agreement as Disability Insurance

So, why wouldn’t you, while you are so dearly in love, decide how you would split up your joint assets if the union fails? I really don’t think making an agreement in advance of your marriage is a negative thing, I think it is the responsible thing to do.

Otherwise, no matter what it is you are fighting over, you can assume you should slice off a hefty amount of your assets to pay two sets of lawyers (not to mention the time and energy it is going to take) to let the government courts decide those issues.

The reality is, divorce law (and the hope that one of the parties will cave) is the only remedy you have without a prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement is simply an agreement that you and your partner enter into to address the financial consequences should you decide to dissolve the marriage.

Like with disability insurance, we hope never to have to use it.

Likewise, you wouldn’t want to die without a will, letting decisions of how your assets are going to be distributed be decided by the state. Why is it any different when you get married? Don’t you want to have the control to say how things should be handled if the train of your marriage goes off the tracks?

I am not saying that all prenuptial agreements are fail-proof, Or that there won’t be grounds for other disagreements. But, having a prenup in place is a really great starting place.

Here are the Financial Facts

In the case of Bae and Beau, with Bae’s student debt and Beau’s loose spending, maybe it really doesn’t make sense for each to be responsible for the other’s debts if the marriage ends. A prenuptial agreement can ensure that doesn’t happen.

What will happen if Beau’s business is tremendously successful — but the marriage isn’t? Will Bae become a part owner in the business? Will Beau’s partners want Bae literally in their business?

Again, a prenuptial agreement can address how the business will be treated, valued and divided. Do you really want to pay for someone else to make these decisions?

Bae may want to make sure that her great, great grandmother’s jewelry and china stay in her family to be passed down to her children. Without a prenuptial agreement, there could be a court battle about those assets, especially if the couple commingles those assets. If, for example, Bae agrees to sell off a portion of her grandmother’s jewelry to use as a down payment for their first home, they will have invaded the asset and, thereby, recharacterized it into a marital asset.

And, what if you come to the union with much more than your future spouse. Doesn’t it make sense to ensure that everyone marries for the right reasons (i.e., not a meal ticket)?

Or if you come to the union with much less than your future spouse. What about if one spouse decides to spend more time not working outside the home to raise their children, while the other is the income earner? Don’t you want to together decide the impact of your sacred words, rather than leave it to the whim of the courts and the talents of paid guns (meaning your lawyers, not your hit men)?

Prenups and a Second Marriage...

Finally, if you are marrying for the second time it is likely that either or both of you come with prior and ongoing financial obligations.

Here, again, laying out your intentions will be a proactive measure to make sure your wishes, reflected when your promises are made, are honored if life leads you, however unfortunately, to going your separate ways.

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it” – Henny Youngman

This article also appears in Get Financially Fit, a Financial Poise column. To see more of Michelle’s writing on Financial Poise, click here.

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Author Biography

Michelle Gershfeld is a debt settlement and bankruptcy attorney who negotiates settlements between clients and their creditors. Michelle turns debt relief into an additional revenue stream for Personal Injury and Medical Malpractice lawyers. Through analyzing the debt and then bargaining and negotiating with the creditors, Michelle helps your client significantly reduce their debt, often while improving their credit reports and scores. Michelle’s 25+ years of bankruptcy and consumer debt experience provides her clients with strong analytical and negotiating skills. 

Michelle is also a personal finance counselor and coach who advises people who are in debt, or building wealth, by identifying and overcoming obstacles that lie in their path to securing worry-free, financial wellness.

Working with Michelle through her law firm, the Law Offices of Michelle Gershfeld, and Get Financially Fit will bring you a strategic, customized plan for your unique financial situation; tackling challenges while defining actionable steps that will increase awareness, change behaviors and lead to the fulfillment of long-term financial goals.