Marriage Timing: Earlier or Later

"Getting Married Late Is Better Than Marrying The Wrong Person Early."-Rania Naim

One major factor in my decision to marry when I did was a discussion I had as I began my preparations for the National Youth Service (NYSC), a mandatory one-year service to the nation for every Nigerian graduate. She posed a question that hit me like a rocket. She asked, "Sola, now that you're heading for service, are you leaving a lady at home to wait for you, or are you bringing one home after service?" It was a question I didn't have an answer to at the time. Yes, I had asked someone out, but the vibe I was getting was awkward, and I felt there was more to pursue and achieve in life than trying to make a lady like me. She went further to cite examples of older men who were trying to find life partners, including a pastor of mine at the time. My attention was rapt with my signature agama lizard vibe ??. Our conversation that night got me thinking and consequently influenced the timing of my marital journey.

As a mentor/discipler, I've had conversations with quite a number of young brothers fresh from school on the subject of marriage and have arrived, through experience, that early marriage or late marriage is quite a relative term when it comes to individuals. To some, early is before thirty (30); to others, early is when their desired standard of income isn't in place. To them, marrying early is to marry when you don't have an income that can be described as having "arrived." On the other hand, late marriage is to delay gratification until the time when all is settled and available to give one's wife and children the kind of life you have always dreamt of.

Marrying early ensures that you grow up together with your children. The hard work of parenting is best done when one is physically and mentally very active. Memories of very eventful moments are better built when you raise your child as a young man. Running around, climbing hills, engaging in throw pillow games, and taking pictures are only pleasurable when a man is young and agile. Even when the nest becomes empty and all you have is your wife, you've got some energy left to enjoy the life you have. You can take up an adventure and even challenge your children by scaling new heights and achieving bigger things which parenting might have hitherto stalled. So, your children can still find you useful rather than being a burden to them as they move into their own adult phase of responsibilities.

Early marriages are also replete with challenges. There is the issue of emotional maturity. Where the man hasn't swum enough in the murky waters of life to understand the many dimensions of its twists and turns, the ever-changing and many colors and demeanors of the wife may mar the man. This is even with the availability of financial resources. We have seen over time that with the many stories of divorces amongst the wealthy, that it takes more than money to keep a home. Maturity is also essential in building a home. Maturity, not essentially in age but in capacity to manage resources and grow wealth. Men who have endured terrible years of poverty aren't always in a hurry to settle down. The obsession to never repeat the errors of their father keeps urging them to acquire enough resources before giving any consideration to the matter of marriage. So they continue to grind until they arrive at the permanent site. There is also the matter of unfulfilled potentials. Many married men look back with regret as to missed opportunities occasioned by the demands of their marriage. One of the worst feelings in marriage is to see your spouse and children as the reason you never fulfilled your dreams. It will take a lot to compensate for such a feeling.

But what's wrong with marrying later? The decision to marry later has quite a few unpalatable consequences too. Marrying later often denies the couple the opportunities of possessing shared experiences of life as it concerns their growing-up years. Because most of the people with whom they share such experiences are no longer available in their circle, as they are long gone married. The struggle to find someone with whom they can connect at a deeper level is higher now. Often times they settle for what's available bowing to the pressures of family and society. This may not happen if they are able to find a lady who may be willing to wait with them for such a time they are ready. The other downside of marrying later is the inability of men to cope with the rigors of intentional parenting. Providing continued emotional support to children till their adult life may be asking for too much.

In conclusion, the wedding day is the day the journey of marriage started and it actually defines a couple's marriage as early or late. Early (sooner) or later is, of course, relative depending on the individual's age and peculiarities. The day to begin any journey is obviously a prerogative of the individual about to set out on the journey; hence only that individual can decide what's early or late. The destination is the judge. If a man on a long-distance journey sets out at the same time as a man on a short-distance journey, they may both be adjudged to have been early, but the man on a long-distance journey is late. It is therefore imperative for everyone to understand the details of their life's journey. What do you aim at achieving in your marriage, which species of a woman can take you there, etc., are the questions that will help to define your journey and consequently the decision to go early or later.

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