No Marks

“I know how to hurt you without leaving marks” is what I hear my husband say while pressing even more of his weight onto the barbell plate that is crushing my chest. As I lay pinned on the bedroom floor, I’m trying not to make any alarming sounds while pleading with him with my eyes to stop. I don’t want my daughter to have any reason to come in the bedroom and see this, especially on the night of her birthday party. I turn my head away from looking at his face so I can keep my eye on the door, and he starts pushing the weight as if he’s trying to resuscitate me with it… except he’s not! He’s actually doing quite the opposite. If she opens that door she will have a clear view of what he is doing. “Please stop…I’m sorry I got you upset. Just stop before she comes in,” I whisper in between the pulses of the plate and being able to catch a quick breath. I keep praying he comes to his senses while she is still occupied with her cousin in the other room – but he doesn’t. I hear her call for me, but I can’t answer. If I could I would tell her to hold on and I’ll be out in a minute, but I can’t get my voice to sound normal or to a volume for her to hear. The door opens and my daughter and her cousin are standing there in the doorway, not sure if they should step in further. He sits up releasing the weight and I’m able to roll over and put on a big smile for these two innocent girls who are frozen and just staring. I can see the worry start to creep into my daughter’s face. I try to reassure her with something like, “Silly mommy fell off the bed and that [the weight] fell on me. Daddy was just helping me get up.” The bed and mattress were in a disarray from when I was at first trying to get away from him, and then trying not to let him pull me off of it. Thinking my attempt at an explanation was good enough I get up and take my daughter’s hand to see what she had needed me for. I can tell she isn’t really believing me, and she quietly explains what she needed / wanted me for. Her whole demeanor has changed and I immediately hate myself for ever trying to have the discussion with him that started the fight, which of course has now inadvertently hurt my daughter. Why couldn’t I have just been quiet…

A shudder brings me back to the present. That was so many years ago and one of many incidents. Back then I didn’t truly realize the type of relationship I was in, nor how I had even gotten there. And I blamed myself for when incidents like this occurred. Some of you reading this may not be able to understand that. If you’ve never been in a relationship like this and are looking in from the outside it’s bizarre, I know. When you hear about a situation like the one just described you probably say to yourself, “How could someone stay with a person that does that to them? What’s wrong with them? If that were me, I would’ve left the first time he/she ever ….” Sound about right? I know because at one time I was one of those people. I said those very same types of things too, before I was in that situation. It’s people like you and my former, younger self that I write this for, to give a different perspective and maybe a bit of understanding.

The Spark

This year, approximately 20 years after I had finally left him for good was the first time I ever said the words (or even thought them) “I am a domestic abuse survivor.” Even now as I type them on this paper I get an uncomfortable feeling because I don’t want to sound “dramatic”, and memories of how I downplayed it all back then creeps into my head. But I know those words are the truth and only recently have I realized what I need to do with them thanks to an extraordinary group of people whom I met through academia and who quickly became good friends. During a zoom class (the new norm since COVID-19) I said, “I used to be married to someone who hit me.” It may sound odd but that comment was appropriate at the time and added to the meaning of the discussion. A little shocked at myself for saying it, I quickly moved on not wanting to expand on it and went onto what my point was. After class I received some very supportive calls and messages from my professor and fellow classmates. That night as I lay in bed I really started to think about it. Why did I bring it up in that moment, at that time, with that group of people? Although I had the left the abusive relationship years ago, I never really spoke out about it. I didn’t even put it in my divorce papers! Why have I not been able to speak about any of those things until now?? After all it wasn’t a big deal, I’m over it, who wants to hear about that anyway, and it was just a part of my past – wasn’t it? Well, there’s two parts to that answer.

• NO! No matter who you are, the past is never “just part of your past”. It shapes you, changes you and your thinking, sets the bricks for potential paths into your future, and you carry a bit of it with you. What you decide to do with it and how to handle it, whether it will help you grow and become stronger, pull you down and stay stagnant, ignore it, bury it, or go in reverse is up to you. But that subject is for another time and perhaps a different reader.
• More relevant to this discussion is that my fellow classmates created a safe place that allowed me to be vulnerable and real with no judgment. I didn’t have to think about anything before I said it – it just came out. Quietly and quickly mind you but still, it came out without fear or worry about what they would think. And that is key to start being able to be open and transparent, and honest (even with yourself).

That one moment of allowing myself to be vulnerable and open and take a chance with this group is what sparked something inside me. It led to me the beginning of not only feeling lighter and free, but also the first step to realizing what I needed to do: Help others on the “outside” understand (which is what this particular "article" is the beginning of), help others in key positions to recognize and identify intimate partner or domestic violence / abuse, and helping individuals in similar situations realize their worth and understand that there is a way out, and assist them with taking that path.

Outside Looking In

The “advice” that others give, although with all the best intentions can be harsh and sound judgmental, cause even more of a retreat, and add to what the abuser is already doing. You may be asking, “How? I am not hurting her/him. I’m not agreeing with the situation and what’s going on.” It’s the little things in what you say and how you say it that is the issue, especially phrases such as “Can’t you see what he/she is doing?” or “Why haven’t you left him/her already?”? It plays on the victim’s already damaged psyche which in turn verifies the feelings they have of worthlessness, being “stupid”, deserving of the treatment they have received / are receiving from their significant other.?

There are many forms of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) and Domestic Abuse. Verbal, physiological, physical and sexual. It usually (but not in all cases) advances in that order. And that is what you as the reader really needs to understand. The first punch never happens without some period of time beforehand where the foundation of manipulation and small negative changes is set. It is a build of up of hurtful, destructive words, behaviors, and actions to break someone else down. For some who are dealing with IPV there is a family history of abuse, or a history of negative experiences with others before they got involved with this particular partner (so the “break down” had already begun prior). We could get into the depths of the psychology of it, but I will leave that for you to research and hear it from the professionals (psychologists, psychiatrists, sociologists, or social workers) if you are interested. On the other hand, there are others in domestic violence situations who may never have experienced these types of interactions before. Such as was in my case. I can’t speak for everyone in this situation, but perhaps a glimpse into my experience can help others to understand.

Beyond the Surface

After the dismantling of my confidence, self-worth, value, and pride with verbal and mental abuse; gas lighting to where I started to believe I was actually what he said and “crazy”; and the lies and twists of reality starting to cloud my vision, is when the hard pushes and slaps began to happen. At times I have said to myself, “Well it was just a slap, it’s not like he punched me.” Then it escalates to, “Well it was just a punch to the arm, he said he was sorry and it’s not like I am getting punched multiple times”... “So many people are dealing with worse”...“We can replace the glass door, that’s a material thing. Thankfully no one got hurt”... and another excuse is made and believed, then another, and another, and on it goes.

In addition, having a child with your abuser adds an element of control for them. In my situation he was able to use our child to his advantage as leverage the way he saw fit. He knew she was my world, and I wanted to protect her from seeing or hearing any of this type of stuff. But he always figured out a way to involve her to where I had to go along with whatever was happening, accept the way he was talking and treating me, stay quiet about things even while I was being hurt, take the blame, etc. I thought if I did these things then she would be “protected”. I know now that was the wrong way to think, but hindsight is 20/20. Especially being that it only sometimes worked, other times he reveled in the power and would keep pushing the limits.

What everyone saw on the outside was different than what was personally going on internally and what was going on behind closed doors. You feel like you have to keep up a fa?ade. You can’t let people think that you are messing up and failing at your marriage (especially if people weren’t supportive of it to begin with). Your partner has already made you feel that you aren’t worth much and you do not want to let your family or friends think the same. Besides, it’s been ingrained in you that either no one would believe you, they would shame you, or there were other consequences you may have to face. What would people at work think? How can you be respected? What would he tell others about you in retaliation or to cover up? There is much manipulation that continually occurs.

Isolation from others plays a role in this as well. If they can keep you away from others, then all you know is them and what they are doing. You are not able to be around others to see what is actually normal. You do not have the opportunity to discuss these incidents with others. You lose sense of yourself and who you are and are made to feel like you are constantly failing your partner and / or family.? You are made to feel very dependent on them, it’s another way they take and hold onto control.

What Can You Do?

1)????? Listen as best you can without judgment. Remember no one ever wants, expects, or asks to be in an abusive relationship

2)????? Do not make it about you and how it makes you feel knowing they are going through this. This can create a feeling of guilt and not wanting to cause anyone else distress

3)????? Create a safe place for them to speak and/or to physically come to

4)????? Look into resources and suggest them as helpful options

5)????? Leave the resource information in a place only they will see (if you do not feel comfortable discussing it with them)

6)????? If in a public place and you see signs of domestic abuse or confrontation, get help from security or someone in charge

7)????? Know the hand gesture that signals “I need help” in a domestic case. This is particularly good to know for those who work remotely or are in school remotely and often use web-based interaction/cameras.

A Message to Survivors

If you are reading this and currently experiencing domestic violence, know that you are not alone. I understand how difficult it can be to see a way out, and I want you to know that there is hope, and you deserve so much more than what you’re enduring.

In some of my future pieces, I will focus specifically on you—on the challenges you face, the strength you have, and the steps that can help you find freedom. Please remember, you are worthy of love, respect, and safety. You are stronger than you know, and there is a community ready to help you through this.

Conclusion

For those on the outside looking in, it can be challenging to understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship or how they ended up there in the first place. My hope in sharing my story is to provide a window into the complex and layered dynamics of domestic abuse. It’s not as simple as leaving at the first sign of trouble. It’s about surviving one day at a time, often with a mix of fear, love, and a sense of responsibility. It’s about protecting not only yourself but also those you love, even if that means staying silent in moments when you should be heard.

To those who have never experienced abuse firsthand, I ask that you take this perspective to heart. When supporting someone in an abusive situation, it’s vital to avoid judgment and instead extend empathy and patience. Survivors need to know they are not alone, that they are believed, and that there is hope beyond what they’re experiencing now.

Domestic violence thrives on silence and misunderstanding. Let’s break that silence together. Awareness is the first step toward change, and compassion is the bridge that helps survivors find their way to safety and healing. Your role, as someone on the outside, is more powerful than you may realize—by fostering understanding, you can be part of the solution and a source of strength for those who need it most.