Marking Time By Michael McWhinnie, NTG (Naval Training Group)

Matthew Coates met his first child on a jetty in Halifax. His wife Meghan had given birth to Nathaniel while Matthew was deployed as Executive Officer of HMCS Charlottetown during the ship’s NATO mission to Libya. Twelve years later it is now dad’s turn to assume parenting duties for Nathaniel and younger brother Jackson as Meghan, now Commanding Officer of HMCS Vancouver, leads a crew of 240 on operations in the Indo-Pacific Region.

The couple have traded these duties back and forth for years, during deployments, business trips and training stints. Their story is unique and, at the same time, common: just as the experiences of all military children are unique but share similarities.

The Coates’ have relocated several times with postings from Halifax to Newport Rhode Island to Ottawa and now Esquimalt. Both boys are active in hockey. In addition to the obvious benefits of participating in team sport, hockey has been a constant for Jackson and Nathaniel when dealing with change. It has allowed them to make immediate social connections in new environments. They both play for the Victoria Admirals (U11 and U13 respectively) which, along with school provides them a constructive focus while either parent is away. Nathaniel wears the captain’s “C” proudly and when prompted to list his on-ice strengths replied, “I am good at defence and can score but the one thing I am known for is never giving up.” It’s an especially beneficial quality for a military child.

When asked what they thought was different for military families Nathaniel mentions Remembrance Day. He has memories of his mother and father taking turns supporting school ceremonies in uniform. “Its important for us,” he says. “More I think than for some people,” he reflects. With both parents currently serving its easy to understand why. When a hockey tournament precluded attending a public ceremony this year, Nathaniel created his own gesture of remembrance with tape and a Sharpie to compliment the poppy stickers both boys wear permanently affixed to their helmets.

Jackson says he likes Esquimalt but finds inviting school friends to visit his home inside HMC Dockyard awkward. “We mostly hang out with kids here,” he said gesturing to a small collection of residential housing units. He begins recounting a tale about Christopher, his best friend from Ottawa. “I remember one time he biked to my home to give me a Lego Ninjago,” he starts happily. As the story unfolds, he reveals it was a going away gift, his smile fades and tears swell. His father is quick to comfort him. “As a parent, you know and accept that your children will encounter adversity at various points in their lives,” reflected Matthew. “Its tougher when your child’s pain is a consequence of their parents’ career choice.”

Every military parent recognizes that leaving friends and sometimes relatives behind to restart in a new location is one of the most difficult aspects of being a military family: for the children who do it as well as the parents who ask it of them.

The other hardship, which effects everyone, is absence. Every frigate is crewed by 240 human beings, each with their own connections to family, friends and loved ones. When a ship deploys those relationships are disrupted, impacting children, spouses, even pets (though dogs more so than cats).

In addition to keeping constructively involved with school and hockey, Jackson and Nathaniel have an established ritual to mark their mother’s absence. “Every day we cut a strip of paper to make a chain,” explains Jackson. “We keep them after and have a bunch saved.” His brother chimes in “We number each one starting with #001 and count up, not down,” he clarifies. The distinction is subtle. Counting up tallies the positive achievement of making it through successive days whereas counting down emphasises the number of days separation left to endure.

Every household has their own set of rituals and routines during deployments and homecomings, service couples are no exception. The boys were asked if they had a preference between which parent deploys and which stays home. They glanced at their father standing within earshot then looked at each other. “We don’t have a preference,” declared Nathaniel. “The best is whichever is shortest,” he concluded with Jackson nodding his agreement. They say the thing they are looking forward to most is simply the restoration of what they enjoyed previously: their mother’s presence and the opportunity to spend time with her.

HMC Ships Vancouver, Ottawa, and M/V Asterix are due to return to Esquimalt in mid-December 2023. The homecoming will entail 630 sailors, aviators and civilian mariners reuniting with spouses, sweethearts, children, extended family and friends. The Coates’ will be there, one story amongst many.