Marketing for Dummies

I know, I know, there’s already a book called ‘Marketing for Dummies’; this is hardly an original concept. However, rest assured the title ‘Marketing for Dummies’ will be the only similarity between that and this. I’ve never read the book myself, but by all accounts it is actually quite useful, with lots of practical advice about how to market a business...

Whereas this newsletter will, as usual, be nothing but a colossal waste of your time.

And yet here we are, flying enthusiastically into the third paragraph. Before we properly get started, how about I quickly tell you the story of why I decided to do this whole ‘Marketing for Dummies’ thing? I think it’s a story worth telling, because originally I had planned to do a Platinum Jubilee-themed piece, which undoubtedly would have elevated ‘Another Bloody Newsletter!!’ to royal status - so what turn of events could have compelled me to stray from that righteous path?

It all happened about 15 minutes ago. I was reading an article about marketing (because I take my job VERY seriously), when suddenly, I came across the phrase ‘Guerrilla Marketing’. It’s a phrase I’ve come across many times before, and I know full well what it means: it is the very legitimate practice of using unconventional interactions to promote a product or service. But there I was, staring dumbfoundedly at those two words for at least 23 seconds. Guerilla Marketing. Do you know where I’m going with this? Probably, because it’s staring us all right in the face. Guerilla Marketing. Gorilla Marketing. Gorillas.

Inspired by this revelation, and all hopped-up from a four day weekend, my brain goes into overdrive. I start imagining a world in which big beastly primates go door to door on behalf of the puny humans, using their special gorilla tactics to sell stuff - and who could say no to those adorably intimidating faces? Gorilla Marketing: the very legitimate practice of using gorillas to promote a product or service.

But then I reality checked myself. Guerilla/Gorilla are just two words that sound alike, so it’s a really eye-roll-inducing attempt at humour, and it certainly doesn’t warrant 207 words spent talking about it. Nevertheless, from the ashes of that terrible joke arose an actual idea for this week’s newsletter: ‘Marketing for Dummies’, in which we have some fun with definitions for common marketing phrases.

Yes, it will most likely be a flop, but oh well, it’s too late to turn back now. Here are some marketing definitions for dummies, by dummies.

Marketing: Technically, even this newsletter is classed as marketing, so I’m actually really stumped on this one.

Content: Can often be found talking about how important content is.

Return on Investment (ROI): Lol, who cares?

Sales Funnel: I always picture those plastic funnels we used to use in science class. They were clearly a waste of time because I ended up with an E in Chemistry. Bloody photosynthesis.

Analytics: For nerds who were probably good at science.

Testimonials: A Gorilla may struggle with this since they can’t speak like us, even though we share 98% of our DNA with them.

Keyword Research: This can lead to some very extraordinary findings. For example, when conducting keyword research for this piece, I discovered that we share 98% of our DNA with Gorillas!

Unique Selling Proposition (USP): Everyone’s special! ?? Which is another way of saying no-one is special. ??

Search Engine Optimisation (SEO): I once wrote a blog for golfspan.com called ‘Gag Gifts for Golfers’ which contains at least two toilet puns and the phrase ‘Go for Gopher’. It’s literally the top result on Google. Make of that what you will.

Blowing One’s Own Trumpet: Yeah… my bad.

Customer Journey: Ideally, this would be short and sweet. Unlike this newsletter, which is going on a bit. One more?

Call to Action (CTA): Sadly, this is rarely as cool as it sounds. A REAL Call to Action would say stuff like ‘Jump out of a Helicopter!’ or ‘Do a Back-flip!’ or ‘Go on a Cosmic Quest to Find the Five Infinity Stones to Restore the Infinity Gauntlet So You Can Bring Stability to the Universe by Wiping Out Half of All Life and Therefore Appease Death Who Also Happens to be Your Mother!’ or ‘Hang Out With Gorillas!’

I should end it right there, with those amazing CTAs. But I also really wanted to leave you with this exquisite piece of GORILLA MARKETING. ??????