Mark Twain Has the Trump-Putin Call Transcript

Trump: Vlad! My favorite world leader. You know, people always tell me, “Sir, you and Putin, it’s like Churchill and Stalin, but better looking.” And I say, “That’s true, that’s very true.”

Putin: (smoothly) Donald, congratulations. A return to power—unprecedented. No one could have foreseen it.

Trump: They said it was impossible! The fake news, the deep state—they all fought me. But the people love me, Vlad. Just like your people love you. I mean, I don’t see any protesters in Moscow. Not one. Tremendous leadership.

Putin: (softly) The love of the people is... cultivated. And those who do not love? Well, they often find other things to do.

Trump: That’s what I’m saying! They don’t let me do that here, yet, but we're working on it. But let’s talk Ukraine. It’s like a slick-handed croupier betting against the house—you don’t just replace them, you make sure they never deal cards in your casino again. Big, beautiful peace. And I think we can make a deal, right? You pull back a little, we lift sanctions. Simple.

Putin: (sighs) Donald, you have always understood the complexities of global politics so well. A lesser man would not grasp the nuances. Ukraine is delicate. Russia only seeks security. Perhaps... a guarantee that NATO will never again have a bake sale near our borders? These things are provocations.

Trump: NATO bake sales—disgraceful. Overpriced cookies. And they don’t even thank us! Look, I’ve always said NATO is a scam. Maybe we rethink the whole thing. Maybe Europe needs a little reminder that heating their homes in winter is still a privilege, not a right, right?

Putin: (softly) A true leader prioritizes his nation’s interests. Your instincts are unmatched.

Trump: The best instincts. Some people say I have a sixth sense. I called 9/11 before it happened, you know. Not many people know that.

Putin: (chuckles) Remarkable foresight. Speaking of vision, there is the matter of economic cooperation. Perhaps we revisit the Trump Tower Moscow project?

Trump: Now you’re talking! The tallest, most luxurious building in Russia. Gold toilets, just like the Kremlin.

Putin: (pleasantly) Ah, but the Kremlin does not have gold toilets. That is an... exaggeration.

Trump: Oh, come on. I’ve seen the pictures. Magnificent plumbing. But yes, let’s make that deal. We solve Ukraine, we remind Europe that freedom isn’t free—especially when we’re selling it, we fix NATO, and we build the most beautiful tower Russia has ever seen. I’ll even throw in free golf lessons for you.

Putin: (chuckles) I have always preferred judo. But I look forward to our partnership.

Trump: The world will thank us. Maybe even a joint Nobel Peace Prize. They give those out like candy these days.

Putin: (dryly) Indeed. Let us proceed with caution. And vision.

Trump: Vision? If I had any more of it, they’d be calling me Nostradamus. Let’s make history, Vlad.

Putin: Until next time, Mr. President.