A Map & Key to Building Relationships: Part 3

Preferences: Borders and Boundaries

In Part 1, we related maps to setting goals for relationships, and using the map legend, aka the key as a way to recognize and even appreciate our differences. Part 2 highlighted generational differences as just one of many external keys to distinguishing needs and expectations for communication and motivation.

In Part 3, we’ll look at preferences and how identifying these sometimes-hidden internal keys can help us relate to each other on a deeper level, as well as how we might avoid getting irritated by other’s differences. We may even gain some understanding and appreciation in the process, which may be the best way to build trust and establish credibility.

Borders and boundaries are usually obvious on a map as a dotted or thin solid line surrounding a specific area such as a city, county, or state. If you're driving, a sign will let you know when you're crossing the border, but without that sign, you wouldn't likely know...there's not usually a big change in scenery on that stretch of highway!

Because of their almost invisible nature, internal differentiators like borders require a map key for you to distinguish one area from the other.

An internal key to our map is how and why people are oriented to and interact with the world around them. Why internal? Because we cannot readily see them, though if we’re observant, they may become clear. This isn’t about “personality” differences as some would call them, but preferences, which often show up in our behaviors.

Just as some people prefer to write with their right hand while others use their left, we also have preferences for doing most everything else in life. For example, some have a preference for using a glass when drinking juice or milk from the ‘fridge…others drink straight from the container (you know who you are). Some people squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom up; others squeeze from the middle. Some people like trucks, and others prefer SUVs. A few of us like sports cars, while some need a minivan or sedan for their daily commute.

We may not know the “why” behind these preferences, but each person has one. None of these preferences is right or more correct…they’re just right for the individual. And occasionally, these differences can cause trouble in our relationships.

How many different ways are there to fold socks? Some roll them in a ball; some lay them together in pairs and fold them in the middle; still others take one extra step and roll one side down to form a full or partial tube. And some of you know there are clean socks still in the dryer that never made it to the drawer!

If you live or work with someone, you've likely been frustrated or at least mildly irritated by something they've done, probably because they did it in a way that was different than the way you would've done it. If you're still unsure, just think about all the other drivers you come across on a daily basis!

It comes down to this…your way is the right way…for you. Most people get by in life just fine doing it differently than you, as hard as that is to accept. Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, once said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.”

Jung wrote “Psychological Types” in 1921, after he and Sigmund Freud had a disagreement that ended their previously friendly but professional collaboration. In the mid-1940’s, Katherine Briggs and her daughter, Isabel Myers took Jung’s work and developed a tool or “road map” to help returning GIs find meaningful work according to their preferences.

Their instrument – the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator ?, or MBTI – became the most widely used self-assessment in the world, used by psychologists, sociologists, career coaches, marriage counselors, and organizational leaders, teams, and individuals who want to gain an understanding about differences, improving teamwork and communication in the process (Southwest Airlines has used the MBTI companywide for over 25 years – their success speaks for itself).

The Four Scales – Energy, Information, Decisions, Lifestyle

Jung described various ways we are different in how we interact with the world and with others, including how we prefer to restore our energy, gather information, make decisions, and live our lives. These dichotomies, or scales, describe preferences on two opposite ends of a continuum – just like right-handed people prefer signing their name or throwing a ball with their right hand, and left-handed people do better when using their preferred hand.

Righties can learn to use their left hand, but will not usually show the same skill or mastery as a lefty using their dominant hand in their preferred way. And some folks are ambidextrous, batting just as well from both sides of the plate. So are the preferences on each continuum. Like our discussion of generations, these are guidelines and some introspection is required to determine how understanding it can help us get along.

Restoring Energy

When you hear “extravert” you may think of someone loud, gregarious, or boisterous, like a candy-apple-red hot rod with loud exhaust. When you hear “introvert” you may think of someone quiet, shy, or unassuming, like a beige or appliance-white four-door sedan.

While these stereotypes may accurately describe the behaviors of some people, the terms Extraversion and Introversion are used here to describe two distinct ways of "charging our batteries."

How do you get energized? Some people like to get their batteries charged by being actively involved and prefer working on projects with other people. Others like to get their batteries charged by being quietly observant and prefer working on projects on their own or in a small group.

People who prefer Extraversion get their energy from the outer world of people, things, and activities, and are often easy to get to know, because they think with their mouths open! In meetings, they're often are the first to speak up, and they tend to work through an issue by talking it out. When they speak, they may have to retract their thought, with “That was not my final answer.”

Those who prefer Introversion get their energy from their inner world of thoughts, ideas, and feelings, and are harder to get to know until you’ve spent some one-on-one time with them. In meetings, they often hold back and listen to others while forming their thoughts and opinions, and tend to work through issues by thinking them through. Once they speak up, they’ll usually share well-formed thoughts and ideas.

Living and working together can be challenge, as some can dominate meetings, leaving little room for others to share their thoughts and ideas, which could leave the impression that they are holding back. But both preferences are useful and needed if you're going to be successful.

Gathering Information

When you hear “sensing” you may think of your five senses – seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and tasting. When you hear “intuition” you could think of a sixth-sense – having a hunch or gut-feeling about something.

These terms – Sensing and Intuition – are used here to describe two distinct ways of gathering information and understanding the world.

How do you gather information? Some people prefer to see the world through their five senses – they tend to focus on the details of “what is” and trust concrete evidence. Others prefer to see the world through their sixth sense – they tend to focus on patterns and possibilities of “what if” and trust their gut. When using Google Maps for directions, those who prefer the former like using the turn-by-turn directions (the details), and the latter may prefer seeing the whole map with the colored line connecting the starting and ending points (the big picture) before beginning their trip.

People who prefer Sensing are usually good at describing the details in most situations, like step-by-step instructions, and often share their experiences in terms of the specific things with which they interacted. They are more past and present-oriented, and may like bullet-pointed lists. If asked to talk about a situation, they will typically share specific details. “(1) It was a large, square room with four round tables and six chairs at each; (2) had red carpet, beige walls, and four windows; (3) Chris, the speaker, had a lectern and projector at the front; and (4) talked about leadership using maps as a metaphor.” If asked about their family, they might list the member’s names and ages, and where they fall in the birth order.

People who prefer Intuition are usually good at describing the larger meaning of most situations, and may need to see the picture of the complete project on the front page of the instruction manual before they begin assembly. They'll often share their experiences in terms of the relevant patterns and possibilities, using more descriptive terms than details. They are more future-oriented, and if asked to talk about a situation, they will typically infer meaning from what they witnessed, along with future events yet to come. “The classroom was warm and inviting, and set-up for group participation. The facilitator shared ways we can improve our leadership skills, and we discussed ways we will use the information. I can use this immediately, which should improve member engagement and help grow our region.” When asked about their family, they may describe the group as “noisy,” “huge,” or “fun-loving.”

Living and working together can be a challenge, as some can get stuck in the past, remain focused on the details of a situation, and miss the big picture, while others may want to move on too quickly, talking about possible solutions without taking the details and relevant data into account. But both preferences are useful and needed if you're going to be successful.

Making Decisions

When you hear “thinking” you may understand that to mean processing information and using logic. When you hear “feeling” you could understand that to mean an expression of emotions.

These terms – Thinking and Feeling – are used here to describe two distinct ways of making decisions, and while both are processing activities that occur in the brain, the reasoning begins at a different place. 

How do you make decisions? Some people prefer using objectivity – remaining outside a situation – and use their “head” to render their decision using impartial cause and effect logic. Others prefer using subjectivity – stepping into a situation – and use their “heart” to render their decision based on how the decision will impact people. When choosing an automobile, people preferring the former may purchase one based primarily on need and how they’ll use it, while the latter may first tap into their emotional reasoning based on perceived enjoyment, and how they’ll feel when driving it.

People who prefer Thinking usually start with logic and reason. They can see both sides because they are good at stepping back to observe, and prefer to see a decision from an impartial viewpoint. To a person who prefers this decision-making style, “fair” means that everyone is treated equally and has the same chance. Business decisions are often based on impersonal data about profit, market share, process changes, and cost-saving initiatives, and people-decisions are typically based upon black-and-white rules.

People who prefer Feeling usually start with values and a need for harmony. They can see both sides because they’re good at stepping into a situation, and prefer to see a decision from the eyes of the recipients. To a person who prefers this decision-making style, “fair” means that everyone is treated as an individual, as every situation is unique. Business and people-decisions alike are often about the impact on people, a focus on change-management and communication, and the importance of using employee or customer surveys to help make the decision.

Living and working together can be a challenge, as some tend to focus first on black-and-white reasoning around performance, while others can jump right to the gray areas and try to personalize the situation. But both preferences are useful and needed if you're going to be successful.

Living Life

When you hear “judge” you may think about someone sitting in front of a court, rendering decisions. When you hear “perceive” you could think about the act of seeing or sensing something.

These two terms – Judging and Perceiving – are used here to describe a preferred way of living and working.

How do you like to go through life? Some people like to live their lives in a methodical, planful, organized way, and love the process of making decisions. Others like to live their lives in a casual, relaxed, spontaneous way, and love the process of gathering information. The former prefer to plan and organize their vacation, while the latter are perfectly fine "going with the flow" and being spontaneous when traveling.

People who prefer Judging love to plan and organize. When given a task or a new opportunity, they’ll spend time documenting the steps required to get to the end result. They love making lists, and like starting early. When asked about their progress, they’ll use words ending in “ed” like planned, organized, researched, and documented, as they like to “check the box” as they complete steps. They find comfort in using a calendar or planner or organizer, and can get stressed when things like deliverables or deadlines change. They also like finishing one task before moving on to the next, and prefer completing their work before they can relax and play.

People who prefer Perceiving love to take things as they come. When given a task or new opportunity, they’ll think about all the ways things could be done to get to the end result. They’re not as likely to make a list or begin early and enjoy being pressure-prompted – they actually gain energy as deadlines approach. When asked about their progress, they’ll use words ending in “ing” like researching, asking, thinking, and discussing, as they like to be in the process. They may use a planner or calendar to keep them from missing deadlines, but change doesn’t usually throw them off…they didn’t have anything in stone anyway! They are OK with having several plates spinning at once, and can figure out ways to have fun even while working.

Living and working together can be a challenge, as some are methodical and early-starting, and may look at those who aren't as "procrastinating," while those who are more relaxed and pressure-prompted may look at the others as "judgmental." But both preferences are useful and needed if you're going to be successful.

Suggestions for Leaders

Some of our external and internal differences have been identified, and we're ready to head out and begin our journey. You have a map and a (mostly) complete key. The goal is to arrive at our desired place, with our team intact, having accomplished everything we'd planned. In Part 4, the final installment in the series, we'll put the map and key together with some suggestions for leaders.