Many Men are Lonely!

I was lonely - but I wasn't alone! I was lonely, even in a large group! I was lonely, even with a loving family.

It's #mentalhealthawarenessweek and the theme is "loneliness". So what do you think when you think about lonely people? Is it the elderly person who's lost their partner and have no family? Is it the homeless person who's found themselves destitute with nowhere to turn or is it the introverted child who struggles to make friends at school?

All of those plus the myriad other examples of loneliness that exist are all very true, real and heart wrenching in their own way!

But - for this article I want you to consider the men around you! (Now I know that'll immediately make this article less than inclusive, but ladies please bear with me and read on as this really is for everyone - I'm aiming it at men, because as one myself, it's the only reference point I have and it's the best way for me to be laser focussed on this issue).

The more conversations I have with other men (and through our wellbeing check-ins and workshops, there are many), a recurring theme for them is "I feel so alone - I feel lonely!" And, of course, with most men trying to fit the tough, competitive, keep a lid on it and "man-up" persona that they think society and culture expects - I for one, can vouch for that feeling. It's like you're locked inside your own thoughts, like some kind of inner being in a rented shell, observing the world happening at speed while you're struggling to keep up! Bloody hell, that's profound - I've no idea where that came from, other than the article picture did resonate!

Let's throw in the mix the five key headings of wellbeing - Mental, Physical, Financial, Social, Spiritual (insert whatever makes you most comfortable on the last one) and the stresses and strains that come with one or a mix of them all, coupled with the tendency men have to bottle stuff up and just get on with it and you can start to see a picture emerge of how you can feel lonely - here's what CIGNA describe as the signs of loneliness;

1. Inability to connect with others on a deep or more intimate level.
2. No close or 'best' friends
3. Overwhelming feeling of isolation regardless of where you are or who's around.
4. Negative feelings of self-doubt and self-worth.
5. When you try to reach out, it's not reciprocated or you don't feel heard or valued
6. You find engaging socially exhausting

I can honestly say there have been many times where I've felt at least one if not all of those - but 3 and 4 are the ones that really resonate for me! Now, I don't need tablets to resolve that, I don't need CBT or Talking Therapy, because ironically it just makes it worse (qualified counsellors take note!!). What I needed was to find my purpose, learn to love myself (again, something us guys are not encouraged to do as we grow up) and realise that there are millions of people who feel the same, so do what you can to support, help (but not fix) and be there, shoulder to shoulder! Next time you notice that male colleague or friend that looks like they've got it all together, just ask yourself "have they, really?" - then ask them where they're revving out of 10?

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