Many have Questions, But don’t Ask.

I was reflecting on two experiences of mine 20 years’ apart in different contexts, both alluding to Asking. One, my coaching conversations and the use of Asking as a tool. And the other, my student days at Bristol where I learnt the act of Asking. I remember my supervisor encouraging me to Ask - if I wanted something, wanted to change an appointment, needed clarification or if I disagreed with something.

Asking is both an act of compassion and collaboration that creates an even focus on others, the situation and yourself and a skill, when done well brings clarity, learning, agility and bonding.

We are more conditioned to tell and follow; not ask or encourage asking. Most of us resign even before we make an attempt to ask. So why don’t we Ask?

·      Asking is an act of vulnerability and has fear associated with it of looking weak, ignorant or unsure

·      Not asking could also stem from a lack of desire - to excel, grow, learn, gain different perspectives, poor self-image, ignorance or just lack of exposure

·      Ego; Apathy; Over confidence @ play

·      Other times, we don’t want to hear the response to the ask and thus the associated decision

·      Possibility of a past hurt deters the ask

·      The relationship/ situation not being important enough for an intervention

·      An expectation or assumption on and of the kind of response - ‘What if they said no or disagreed?’ 

·      And perhaps, it carries a connotation of being challenged or challenging others

While, what we ask is central, the other elements of an effective Ask could be: 

·      Maintaining the source of the ask as wonder, curiosity and wanting to know more

·      Setting the intention upfront of the ask, the benefits

·      Keeping it simple

·      Framing of the ask – engaging with logic, data, clarity and feelings

·      How you ask – a request, an accusation, an affirmation or an entitlement

·      Language and words used to convey the ask

·      Tone and decibel of voice and body language exercised

·      Place and time of the ask

·      Openness to negotiation in the ask – being transparent, aiming for a win win 

·      Keeping the momentum on the conversation

·      How you receive the response of the others

When we don’t ask, we assume and assumptions are derailing. Just as asking facilitates trust and clarity, so does the way we respond. It is said, questions and answers emerge from the same place and that most questions have the answers embedded in them.

‘It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question,’ Eugene Lonesco.

Asking can become a conversation, about what is essential and meaningful for the relationship, the individual, team and the company. Conversations when translated into action, can lead to simply getting the job done; strengthening the relationship; a success; an innovation or the next game changer. All you need to do is Ask!