Many Faces of Shame in the Workplace

This week I’ve been reading about “shame” (specifically Brené Brown’s “I Thought It Was Just Me”)? - and I have a lot of thoughts.?

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Let’s start by borrowing Brene Brown’s definition of shame, “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”?

Shame, according to Brown, is perhaps the most destructive of human emotions because it engenders a sense of fear, blame, and disconnection. Specifically, shame isolates - leaving us feeling alone in our challenges and cutting us off from the advice of others who have similar experiences. We cannot seek help because we believe ourselves unworthy and undeserving.?

There is certainly a part of this that is internal. But much of shame originates externally. The use of shaming is pernicious and pervasive in educational, social, and cultural institutions.?

And yes, it is unfortunately everywhere in the workplace. Here are some of the places I’ve seen it crop up over the course of my career:?

False Perfectionism/Gaslighting -? Senior leaders often act like their careers were a perfect trajectory of brilliance. Their need to hide their own imperfections and mistakes creates a sense of shame and self-loathing that they then take out on anyone around them who shows weakness or dares to make mistakes. Every employee now has to feign perfection, leaving each of them feeling like they’re the only one who isn’t perfect.?

Scapegoating? - The shame of making a mistake and admitting it is so strong that organizations often descend into finger pointing mode. Because it is unwise to finger-point upward at the strong and popular, the weak, vulnerable, or powerless often bear the brunt. When they defend themselves, they get labeled difficult, angry, or unhinged - shamed into silence, submission, or quitting.?

Favoritism/Othering - The “in” crowd/ “out” crowd dynamic does not really end in high school, it just gets more complex because there’s now a layer of organizational hierarchy layered on top. “The Cool Kids” get the promotions, the mentoring, the sponsorship, the support. The “Others” get ridiculed, disparaged, pigeon-holed, or stereo-typed. Those who benefit from the magnanimity of the popular crowd feel special and better than … until something changes and they are pushed out – this fear of being pushed out creates constant anxiety, stress, and pressure to conform.

Hazing - A twist on the previous point is the “hazing ritual” that seems to occur with new people. They are held at arm's length and attacked for any opinions, ideas, criticism, or accidental “faux pas” they might make. New people, often brought in to change things, are often “hazed” into conformity or rejected and pushed out. In many cases, the leaders that hired these change agents are the very ones who condone or even encourage the “hazing.”?

Quiet-Firing/Social Isolation - All too often, when someone isn’t performing well, rather than address the issue with feedback and training, the employee is shunned, isolated, and cut out. The idea is to shame them into quitting rather than dealing with the issue head on.?

Self-centered Indifference - It is quite common to find leaders who only care about their own image and advancement. The team that reports to them are left constantly seeking approval or feedback that will never come. Their boss doesn’t actually have any views of them - negative or positive - but without communication, they are left making up stories in their head. These stories easily become dark and negative as efforts to gain favor are met with indifference.?

There are certainly more ways that organizations use shame to control their employees. I share these, though, to 1) put a name to these behaviors, 2) make them more recognizable, and 3) let people know that they are not alone in experiencing this sort of toxicity.?

A few thoughts on combating these sorts of scenarios:?

• If you are experiencing these sorts of shaming behaviors, find mentors that can help you navigate these challenging waters.?
• If you see peers experiencing isolation, reach out to help them …? they may not come to you for help because of their sense of shame.?
• If your direct reports seem like they are struggling, stop being angry with them. Ask what’s going on and how you can help.
• If you are a manager of managers, constantly talk to your leaders about their team … help guide them so they don’t inadvertently recreate “shame” cultures.?
• If you are a senior leader, actively role model and reward behaviors that include and support people … and do not tolerate negative, shaming, and isolating behaviors
• If you are at the top of the organization, constantly ask the questions, “what did you learn,” “how did you grow your team,” and “who did you help” to signal that you are trying to create a culture of learning and growth rather than blame and fear.?

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