A Mantra to Live By: You are Your Own Boss

On an episode of the iconic television show This Is Us, a father on his deathbed spoke his last words to his son. Decades earlier, believing that the child’s mother had died, he had reluctantly given his newborn son up for adoption. After being diagnosed with stage IV cancer late in his life, he reconnected with his now-grown and somewhat embittered son. William held his son’s hand and said, “You deserve the beautiful life you’ve made. You deserve everything, Randall. My beautiful boy. My son.”

William left Randall a priceless gift—words of validation to live and heal by. I watched the scene in tears, thinking, “If only my father would say something like that to me.”

I had a very difficult relationship with my father. I never felt understood, appreciated or validated by him. To him, I was a bundle of defects: too idealistic, too trusting, too peace-loving. He mocked me for being who I was and pushed me to be the opposite of my true self. As a result, I came to despise and reject myself. I left home before I turned 16 and had as little to do with him as possible. This didn’t stop him from trying to control my life, including who I should marry. He stopped at nothing to get his way, including threatening to kill himself and even pointing a gun at me.

It took me decades to heal my relationship with him, going from anger and bitterness to forgiveness, then acceptance, understanding, empathy and eventually compassion.

My last conversation with him was in 2019, a week after he had fallen and badly fractured his leg and wrist. He had come home from the hospital a few days before I was to return to the United States. Two weeks later he was readmitted to the hospital and never came back home, dying there of an infection.

Seeing how frail he looked (he was 82 years old), I realized this might be the last time I would see him alive. I sat down next to his bed, held his hand, and said, “Papa, I want you to know that I love you. Thank you for everything. You worked very hard to provide for us. I know it wasn’t easy. You were never afraid to take risks. You took us all over the world and gave me a very interesting childhood.”

I said those words to him to release him from any heaviness that he might have been carrying as he neared the end. I didn’t know if he had any regrets or guilt about belittling me, cursing my marriage, and disowning me for five years. He listened to me quietly, looking into my eyes with a half-smile. Then he said, “Raj, you are your own boss.”

What did he mean by that? It could have been “I am proud of you. You are your own man. I gave in to my father on all the major decisions of my life; you didn’t. Unlike me, you followed your heart and made your own path, even when it was difficult.”

Or he could have meant “You never listened to me. You just did whatever the hell you wanted. You are selfish and care only about yourself.”

“I am not sure what you mean by that,” I replied. “I think everyone should be their own boss. Nobody should be bossed around by someone else.”

He didn’t say a word, just kept looking at me with that half-smile. I stood up and leaned down for a last awkward hug, feeling his heart beating faintly through his thin kurta. I walked through the front door and left for the airport. We never spoke again.

Banish the Word “Boss”

This experience got me thinking about the word "boss," which I have always hated. The word has a complex history dating back to the era of slavery, where language was a tool for both domination and subjugation. The term originates from the Dutch word "baas," which simply means "master." During the 17th century, this word entered American English, primarily in the context of slavery and indentured servitude, where it was used as a term of authority and control over others. Subsequently, it entered the world of business, where it is commonplace to refer to the person you report to as your “boss.”

Language, as a vessel of power dynamics, shapes how we view ourselves and others. Referring to someone as your "boss" reinforces a hierarchy that places one individual in a position of authority over another, perpetuating a master-servant relationship that is fundamentally counter to the values of human dignity and agency. This terminology reduces individuals to roles where their autonomy is overshadowed by the power of another, subtly reinforcing the notion that they are there to be controlled or managed rather than respected and empowered.

In a more humane and conscious society, every individual should be recognized as having inherent dignity and agency. The idea that someone should "boss" another, or even "boss" themselves, is toxic because it implies a need for control and domination, rather than collaboration, mutual respect, and self-compassion. Every person deserves to be treated with care and respect, not only by others but also by themselves.

When we "boss" ourselves, we internalize the harsh and commanding voice of authority, which can lead to self-criticism, unrealistic expectations, and ultimately, burnout. This internalized boss undermines our own dignity by treating ourselves as if we are someone to be managed (even manipulated) rather than nurtured. Instead, we should consider reframing our relationship with ourselves and others in more compassionate and empowering terms.

Imagine if instead of being our own "boss," we became our own coach—a supportive figure who guides and encourages us, helping us navigate challenges with empathy and wisdom. Or perhaps we could be our own best friend, someone who offers unconditional support, understanding, and kindness. Alternatively, we could view ourselves as our own wise advisor, drawing on our experiences and insights to make thoughtful and caring decisions.

These alternatives shift the narrative from one of control and subjugation to one of empowerment and mutual respect. By using language that reflects these values, we can begin to foster a culture where every person is seen as deserving of dignity, care, and respect, both from others and from themselves. Language matters because it not only reflects but also shapes our reality. By choosing words that honor the inherent worth of every individual, we take a step toward creating a more just and compassionate world.