Manipulation Has a Bad Reputation

The word manipulate comes from the Latin word “manus” for hand. Originally, the English words that sprang from the Latin root, like manipulate and manipulation referred to skill in physically handling objects by hand.

But today, the word manipulation has a bad reputation. It gained a connotation over years beyond its original derivation from Latin.

The definition includes words like control or influence in a way that is devious, shrewd or unscrupulous. The perception of a manipulator is someone who tampers with something for the purpose of deception, fraud, falsification or misrepresentation.

For instance: The candidate manipulated the results of the election. The demagogue manipulated the people. The cult leader manipulated his followers to give up all their possessions and money, move into a secret compound and then drink Kool-Aid.

So, I get it. People throughout time have been manipulated in bad ways. I know I’ve been manipulated. But the part of the definition of the word manipulation that I’m focused on is to control or influence in a skillful manner. In the late 1960s, John Lennon wrote and sang, “All we are saying is give peace a chance.” In the early 2020s, all I am saying is give manipulation a chance.

Skillful control or influence is something we all want to be able to achieve. 

• If you’re in sales, you want to skillfully control and influence your conversations in order to make the most money you can.
• If you’re a manager, you want to skillfully control and influence your employees to do more of what the company wants from them.
• If you’re an employee, you want to skillfully control and influence your managers to promote you or pay you more money.

I challenge you to name a business relationship that you don’t want to control or influence.

Some might say, I want people to do what I want but I don’t want to manipulate them. But how is that possible? Don’t you need to control or influence in order to get the outcomes you want? Will the outcomes you want just happen because you pretend to be a nice person who doesn’t want anything from others? Is it possible that you can both be a nice person and also be manipulative (in the sense of being skilled at controlling or influencing)? In my world, the answer is yes. The fulcrum is on the part of the definition that includes being skillful.

Most of the time, efforts in manipulation are not skillful. They are approached ineffectively and clumsily. And it’s frustrating when someone tries to control or influence you and they’re not very skilled at doing so. If someone is skilled at conversation management, it doesn’t feel like you are being manipulated. It feels like you are being guided. But when someone lacks skill in managing conversations, the manipulation is blatant and it feels uncomfortable for both parties involved. This is why I believe the ability to effectively manage your conversations is the most important skill you can develop in your career.

And it’s why I write, train, speak and coach on how to manage your business relationships one conversation at a time. Over time, I’ve developed a methodology that is structured to reliably gain agreement for action. It works. It’s manipulative, but it’s not manipulative in a bad sense. It’s simply that I want to skillfully control and influence people and teach you how to do the same.

Manipulation has a bad reputation. I maintain that we all want to skillfully influence our clients, our prospects, our colleagues or managers to do what we want. More business? Yes. Promotions? Yes. More money? Yes. More respect? Yes.

If you use your power for good—not just for your own benefit—but for the benefit of the other people you converse with, than why not honestly take on learning and developing your ability to manipulate others? Skillful control and influence (read manipulation) is at the core of you getting what you want for yourself and your life. Why you have conversations is to get those results and to be effective, you need to be able to consistently and reliably gain agreement for action. If you’re effective, you can create the life you want and help others do the same. If you’re ineffective, you diminish opportunity for all.

I acknowledge that if you use your power to manipulate with bad intentions, it’s abuse of power. It’s “bad” manipulation. But I’m assuming, like the enlightenment philosopher John Locke, that all people are naturally good, but some have just been led in the wrong direction. They started as Jedi’s, became schooled at Jedi mind tricks, but then were mentored by Darth Vader and decided to turn to the dark side.

The seminal work by Dale Carnegie was not called, “How to Win Friends and Manipulate People,” because manipulation has a bad reputation.

But nothing is inherently evil. Manipulation of a conversation, as in the skillful control of a conversation, can be mutually beneficial for both you and the person you’re talking with. With skill, you can consistently create win-win outcomes. If you become an expert in conversations, you can manipulate people for their own good. You can reliably create a series of win-win solutions.

All I’m saying is give manipulation a chance.

You can learn more from my 2018 book called Conversations: How to Manage Your Business Relationships One Conversation at a Time. It’s available on Amazon. Another resource is my podcast Conversations About Conversations.